Other Depression & Anxiety Related Illneses > Bereavement

My mum

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melaniejm:
Hi everyone. I lost my mum seven months back. I seem to be deteriorating since about three months ago.  Unfortunately I have suffered from panic attacks from 19 so these have now blown out of proportion. It hits me she's not here and I get utterly hopeless and panicky. The tragedy is I stay with my father and am a single mother so it so unfair on them. Any advice? I'm dreading mum's birthday coming up and on my birthday she was admitted for the last time. Thanks so much.

craig84:
Hey Melaniejm,
 So sorry about your mum and what your going through! it must be hard, where are you in relation to getting support professional or otherwise? you definitely deserve kudo's for having the courage to join! as well as being a single mum and no doubt being there for your father too already speaks volumes of your strength and courage.

we are only human though and get weak from time to time. just don't feel guilty for how you feel, with everything your going through your entitled to those feelings and should embrace them when you can to fully release the emotion you feel, I think everyone feels better after a good cry!

I lost a couple of parental figures over the years. one of which his funeral was on my birthday 4 years ago which always brings up memories of him obviously! he was like a father figure when working from a young age and the other was an aunt who was like a mother to me when I saw her, I lost her to breast cancer and couldn't attend the funeral as it was abroad. I also lost a little stepbrother when I was around 7 which was pretty traumatic too!

the thing I find helps even just a little is being gratefull that I had experienced that person in my life. that we were able to share memories and learn from eachother. I didn't have much to relate that to my brother as he was still born but I cherish the 10 minutes I spent with him in the chapel of rest.

other advice is to read through the topics in the relevant sections and relate to other peoples experiences and advice.

you may see what your going though as being unfair on the people around you as your meant to appear strong which is completely understandable in your situation! you are only human though and given time hopefully people will understand... lean on friends if you can for support, failing that there are people here who are so helpful and kind, theres always a warm welcome here!

hope your doing okay and staying strong!

melaniejm:
Thank you so much for your beautiful reply. Its amazing that so many people go through this and I can't seem to come right. My poor daughter is only 7 and sees me tearful a lot which is just terrible. My father struggles to show emotion. I've calmed down on all my bad habits and it still seems hopeless. I think I'm on the wrong medication. Psychologists charge the earth and it's like being a guinea pig. Is my local GP worth a try?

craig84:
your welcome Mel everybody's different and have their own ways and means of coping...

some people throw themselves into work and try to stay so busy that they don't allow themselves time to grieve but eventually it catches up with them until they explode/implode. Clearly not the best way to deal with things as its just procrastinates feeling the emotions that go with grieving.

with that said, there's no doubt that anybody wants to be seen tearful or upset all the time so finding balance and support as well as recognising triggers that "set you off" would benefit you in dealing and managing your emotions. (so easier said than done unfortunately)

There are free therapies available through some charities. most popular is MIND but im sure there are more (google mental health charities in your area). I have used MIND before and they really helped me understand some of my issues and gave me tools to help myself recover.
I know they offer bereavement counselling.

the NHS is a Lengthy process to take to say the least. peoples experiences differ no doubt but in my case for example I went to my docs about a month ago as I was suicidal and he set me a course of anti depressents (fluoxetine) and referred me for therapy,  I received a letter from the NHS last week stating I should receive a letter with an appointment soon. however long soon is but I suspect I will be on a waiting list for a month at least.

Ive spent so long and continue to pursue the right help for myself that ive become my own shrink in a sense... ive read a lot about psychology and have read self help books because I am sick of  waiting and want to be better.

yes I would say approach your GP with your concerns of your medication and see what they advise. Ask for a referral for therapy if you would like to speak to someone. While your waiting i'd try and get therapy with a charity in the meantime (if your really struggling) as you never know how long you will be waiting for nhs..

excuse the length of my reply lol

I remember being your daughters age when I lost my little brother and remember seeing my mum upset at the funeral and I wanted to comfort her. my nan beat me to cuddling her but your daughter may just want to do the same for you :) let her :) sometimes kids can be more adult than we are!

Pip:
My mum died two years ago and it was actually my sister who struggled the most.  My dad was devastated at the time and it did take time for him which is natural as they had been married for 53 years.  He found a new lease of life which helped plus great grandchildren being born after she had died.

My sister sent me a message around the first anniversary ~ we live about 260 miles apart ~ through Facebook.  I sent her a message back letting her know I was thinking about our mum as well.  I then went on to tell her that even though our mum isn't with us in person she still lives on in our children and grandchildren.  That all she has to do is look at them to remember the good memories.  There was a bit more to it but that part really seemed to help my sister.

I didn't have a great relationship with my mum but it was still upsetting.  In a way I was able to start my own grieving before my mum died as I knew she was quite poorly.  My mum was asthmatic and diabetic so had already been in hospital quite a bit.  The last time was for 10 weeks and my mum had been bed ridden before that so there was talk of getting her into a nursing home.  My dad was 82 so it wasn't easy for him to do so much for her but my mum wanted to go home.  My sister and dad were despairing what to do but before they made a final decision she died.  I took comfort in the fact that she was out of pain. 

Sorry for being long winded and my point is we all cope in different ways and there is no time scale for grieving.  When my nan died I stayed overnight with my great aunt as the funeral was in Wales.  When my aunt and I were chatting in the evening she suddenly burst into tears as it had been the first time she had seen me since my great uncle had died.  We both ended up in tears and were able to smile at the same time remembering the good times.  Be kind to yourself and remember that your time of grieving is normal.

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