Oh dear, knowing someone has said "S'ok, you can talk" has completely thrown me! I am a very quiet, reserved 39 year old woman that has learned to keep everything in! I have no close friends or family that I can confide in, everything is always kept inside. I do have a lovely man in my life that I am due to marry in September, but he has no idea on the depth of my depression or eating disorder. (I am very clever/or stupid)
I have always felt unloved, unworthy for as far back as I can remember. My father committed suicide at the age of 22 years when I was 8 months old (19th July 1974) and my mother made it clear I was very much like my father and disliked me. I have an older sister and a younger brother (half brother) An awful lot of disruptive stuff happened growing up, for example, moving constantly, new men in my mum's life, not getting on with stepfathers new schools etc etc, which I'm sure has a lot to do with how I feel today!
I was put into care at the age of 14 due to constantly running away from home and 2 suicide attempt. Got pregnant at 15 had my daughter at 16, but her father decided he loved me as a sister and not has a lover/partner and left. Got involved with a married man 12 years older than me who mentally and physically abused me. Fell pregnant at the age of 20, which actually gave me the courage to leave him when our son was 2. (Long lengthy battle through the courts which resulted in him not being able to come within 10 mile radius of me)
Sorry, do realise I'm going on and on, but am also missing out so much which I feel makes me who I am today! Anyway, I had another son which was planned, but split with his father which I suppose is another story. Really lovely man, but very jealous etc which I couldn't handle.
I then met a man on-line which I married. (Never thought I would find someone I could marry. My mum is on her fifth marriage, which obviously put me off) We were together 3 years before we married. Two months after we married I realised he was up to all sorts (he worked away during the week) This completely destroyed me. I had finally given in to my fears of men and completely trusted 100% and he was not who I thought he was. I stayed with him for a further 3 years due to not wanting a failed marriage to the point I lost 3 stone in 6 months, had 2 breakdowns, lost my job, and another 2 suicide attempts!
In between all this, my oldest son (middle child which I always had problems with) started to get involved with older boys. (At the age of 12, he was 5ft 9in and was going through puberty even needing to shave etc. Such a young age!) Started taking drugs, running away from home, got kicked out of school for intimidating woman teachers. I tried desperately to get social services involved, but to no avail. (Apparently he had a decent loving home, so there was nothing they could do) I just had to ride the storm??
Through all this, my mum decided to move away and have nothing to do with me. It's been 10 years now. I have tried getting in contact, but she doesn't want to know. I really, really don't know why! And, yet again, I will try and explain myself, I sincerely have done nothing wrong to make her not want to talk to me. I know everyone is thinking "You have obviously done something for a mother to ignore you" Which is true I know, but I tried so many times to find out why, but she's just not interested??
I have been on antidepressant's for the last 10 years, Venlafaxine. Sometimes I think they help, sometimes not. I have been controlling my food intake for the past 4 years to try and control my feelings which actually does help?! Although, I do know is detrimental to my health. I am careful not to have more than 500 kcals a day, but also take anywhere between 12 and 52 laxatives, 12 Alli, and 6 other diet pills a day. So much of my focus is on food, calories, feeling fat, feeling thin etc. I have been sat here typing for so long and there's so much more to say. At the end of the day, I am so fed up with the struggle of living. It's too hard to figure out what's right, wrong? I feel stupid and pathetic to feel the way I do and to control my diet just to stay in control of life?