Need someone to talk to!

[misscharlie]

There is so much I could write, but it really would take forever. To cut a long story short am really needing someone to talk to about my feelings, thoughts, depression, eating disorder. I don't know where to start?! I feel so confused about so much. Feel like I'm gonna explode!

[Pip]

 :welcome: Take your time and the members are friendly and welcoming 

[craig84]

start wherever you feel most comfortable, you wont have people judging you here :)

welcome to the forums

[SteveW]

I hope you write some more. I wouldn't worry about length and where you start. If you feel you are about to explode letting some of it out might help

[misscharlie]

Oh dear, knowing someone has said "S'ok, you can talk" has completely thrown me! I am a very quiet, reserved 39 year old woman that has learned to keep everything in! I have no close friends or family that I can confide in, everything is always kept inside. I do have a lovely man in my life that I am due to marry in September, but he has no idea on the depth of my depression or eating disorder. (I am very clever/or stupid)

I have always felt unloved, unworthy for as far back as I can remember. My father committed suicide at the age of 22 years when I was 8 months old (19th July 1974) and my mother made it clear I was very much like my father and disliked me. I have an older sister and a younger brother (half brother) An awful lot of disruptive stuff happened growing up, for example, moving constantly, new men in my mum's life, not getting on with stepfathers new schools etc etc, which I'm sure has a lot to do with how I feel today!

I was put into care at the age of 14 due to constantly running away from home and 2 suicide attempt. Got pregnant at 15 had my daughter at 16, but her father decided he loved me as a sister and not has a lover/partner and left. Got involved with a married man 12 years older than me who mentally and physically abused me. Fell pregnant at the age of 20, which actually gave me the courage to leave him when our son was 2. (Long lengthy battle through the courts which resulted in him not being able to come within 10 mile radius of me)

Sorry, do realise I'm going on and on, but am also missing out so much which I feel makes me who I am today! Anyway, I had another son which was planned, but split with his father which I suppose is another story. Really lovely man, but very jealous etc which I couldn't handle.

I then met a man on-line which I married. (Never thought I would find someone I could marry. My mum is on her fifth marriage, which obviously put me off) We were together 3 years before we married. Two months after we married I realised he was up to all sorts (he worked away during the week) This completely destroyed me. I had finally given in to my fears of men and completely trusted 100% and he was not who I thought he was. I stayed with him for a further 3 years due to not wanting a failed marriage to the point I lost 3 stone in 6 months, had  2 breakdowns, lost my job, and another 2 suicide attempts!

In between all this, my oldest son (middle child which I always had problems with) started to get involved with older boys. (At the age of 12, he was 5ft 9in and was going through puberty even needing to shave etc. Such a young age!) Started taking drugs, running away from home, got kicked out of school for intimidating woman teachers. I tried desperately  to get social services involved, but to no avail. (Apparently he had a decent loving home, so there was nothing they could do) I just had to ride the storm??

Through all this, my mum decided to move away and have nothing to do with me. It's been 10 years now. I have tried getting in contact, but she doesn't want to know. I really, really don't know why! And, yet again, I will try and explain myself, I sincerely have done nothing wrong to make her not want to talk to me. I know everyone is thinking "You have obviously done something for a mother to ignore you" Which is true I know, but I tried so many times to find out why, but she's just not interested??

I have been on antidepressant's for the last 10 years, Venlafaxine. Sometimes I think they help, sometimes not. I have been controlling my food intake for the past 4 years to try and control my feelings which actually does help?! Although, I do know is detrimental to my health. I am careful not to have more than 500 kcals a day, but also take anywhere between 12 and 52 laxatives, 12 Alli, and 6 other diet pills a day. So much of my focus is on food, calories, feeling fat, feeling thin etc. I have been sat here typing for so long and there's so much more to say. At the end of the day, I am so fed up with the struggle of living. It's too hard to figure out what's right, wrong? I feel stupid and pathetic to feel the way I do and to control my diet just to stay in control of life?

[SteveW]

I have a tendency to start worrying about people who I have never met and I am afraid that you have triggered that. Your daily calorie consumption is terryfying low. What you are doing to your body biochemistry doesnt bear thinking about, it wasn't designed to take 52 laxatives a day. There is no question that you need to be in treatment of some kind.

When it comes to treatment, for once, there isn't any real argument. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy out performs everything else by a mile. You have a choice. You could begin one of the self help programs. Alternatively you could get a GP referral to an Eating Disorders Clinic.

First self help. There are a few programs around. As good as any is this link.

     http://www.ednses.com/downloads/BulimiaSelfHelpManual.pdf

If you followed it I dont doubt you would make progress.

It might be an idea to look at an outline of what professional therapy might involve. Again we are fairly well served. This link describes CBT in some detail.

     http://www.nj-act.org/eating.html

It is pretty much ripped off from Christopher Fairburn who is usually credited with the first formulation of CBT in Eating Disorders. But it is comprehnsive. An alternative discussion is:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2928448/.

I tend to think that pro CBT can often be adapted to be done by people themselves. These two articles would give you a pretty fair idea of how to go about it.

I wouldnt want to assume that an Eating Disorder is all that is troubling you. Maybe 7 years of Venlafaxine has got your depression under control. But you have had such a lousy history that you might benefit from counselling for that.

I hope you can make use of this site. Writing a journal to try and untangle the knots in your thinking might help. I should say that the sort of general support and encouragment that you get here would help you, given that you are isolated somewhat. Even doing a daily diary might help. And lots of the users of this site are women. To me Eating Disorders are a feminist issue but I musn't digress.

I hope you will keep writing.

Love

Steve

[SteveW]

I'd like to apologise for the quality of my reply to you. I am an ex therapist but I am on this site with depression like everyone else. I am having a very bad time at the minute. If I can get my head a little straighter I may be able to do a bit better.

[craig84]

im not a religious man but thank god for people like you steve! I think its amazing how humans can put their own "stuff" aside and help other people regardless of what there going through. the information you give is invaluable it really is!!

i know being on this site is helping me!

reading your post Charlie and with everything you've been through (that you've said) you've done amazingly well to get this far and although your fed up of the struggle of living right now you do have the incentive in you somewhere to get better! you wouldn't be fighting otherwise! If you've been living in silence with depression and not a lot of people know then now would be a good time to get all the help that's available and using peoples experience and reading through different threads on here is helping me to no end :)

i don't have much of a family anymore but i feel part of one on here :)
so keep fighting sista :)

[Pip]

Charlie, I didn't talk to my parents for almost three years and didn't talk to my sister for 12 years.  Lots of reasons but the final straw was when my sister rang me up and accused me of saying things about a friend which I hadn't.  I ended up telling my sister a few home truths then told her I didn't want any more to do with her or my parents. 

I got back in touch with my parents because I had calmed down enough to have letter contact with them.  My sister rang me the day our mum died and we have had sporadic contact.  This included being completely honest her over my depression. 

So yes I do believe you. 

[SteveW]

I wanted to find you something that might convince you of the benefits of writing. Couldnt find anything academic and thorough but I did find something on James Pennebaker. It was his research that kicked off a small explosion of interest in therapeutic writing a few years back. Just give it a quick read, it may convince you. The link is:

     http://www.utexas.edu/features/2005/writing/

I am still far from my best but if you wrote about your various past traumas I would do my best to respond.

Love

Steve

[Chocobo]

It is obvious your life has been chaotic, you are not alone there i can relate on a lot of what you have said (Other than children) I am also about to marry, it is hard but you need to talk to someone, of course there are many of us (Myself included) whom are happy to talk to you, have you looked into getting professional help? It is a long waiting list i will not lie to you, sometimes you need to be redirected but persistence is key!

You also need to remember that medication is not a fix, its designed to help, otherwise you will end up a zombie.
Have you tried talking to your partner? at the end of the day he is marrying you, which means he loves you for all you are, you need to trust him maybe just start with how you are currently feeling if he does not know your past, if he doesn't and you do want to talk about it remember some people can not cope (Even my own mother can not cope talking about my childhood or even the loss of my babies)
Things do not happen over night but when you feel down say to yourself 'i CAN do this' Remind yourself why you are doing it as well, for yourself, for your children, for your future.

Also with your medication do you take it every day at the same time? i find if i even miss ONE day i go on a full downer.

You seem like a lovely woman, feel free to send me an email if you want to ever talk about anything at all, i know it helps when someone can relate even on top of any professional help you may have/get

Oh and Stevewellam is a nice guy (Made me have the courage to be open about things i have never talked about before) so his advice is sound!
Writing about it does help, i find it easier to write than talk, maybe itll help you, maybe check out the journal section? i used to read them back to myself once a week or month and see what day to day was getting me down!
If theres anything i can do give me a shout!

[SteveW]

I ought to mention something about drugs and bulimia. There have been trials that have tested drugs alone without Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. The two used most were Fluoxetine at its maximum dose of 60 mg and Sertraline also at a high dose. I forget what it was, 150 mg I think. They are both licensed in the UK for the treatment of Bulimia. Unfortunately they are are not a particularly good mix with Venlafaxine. So you couldnt actually just add one of them in. Topiramate which is an anti epileptic drug is also being claimed to be effective. If for some reason you just couldnt bring yourself to do psychological treatment they would be better than nothing.

I hope you both start journals. My reading of things is that they help in many conditions but Trauma seems to be the number one. You can do a lot with them. When my father died I inherited a load of family photo albums. I have been sticking photos from them in a paper journal and using them as a stimulus to get me writing. I have also started
taking photos of various places that have been significant to me and using those as a stimulus for writing too. Words used to flow pretty freely from my keyboard but now a little help is needed. You can insert pictures in the journals here provided the files aren't too big.

I hope you can support each other. I am sure you could benefit each other.

Love

Steve

[misscharlie]

I am very taken aback by all the replies, kindness and advice from all you lovely people. Thank you so very much. xxx

[misscharlie]

For the first time I actually feel like I have someone wanting to listen and not judge, offer me good advice so again thank you so very, very much.

I will hopefully be able to write more soon. And if there's anything I can do for you lovely people in the meantime? I maybe a bit messed up, but am good at offering advice.
 
xxxxx

[Pip]

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