Other Depression & Anxiety Related Illneses > Bereavement

Loss of a son

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Grandma:
 Hi

It's all a bit of a muddle, but I would welcome ideas on how I can support my 25yr old, very high functioning Autistic son.

Just over a fortnight ago,  his nearly 5yr old son tragically died following, a little over two months spent in PICU. My son was in the process, with the support of Social Services and the maternal grandparents, of seeking to gain care and control of the little lad, who hadbeen removed from his mother due to negligence and abuse.

We were not aware of this little boy's existence until after his death, which from our perspective confuses matters in respect of emotions.

My son is abusing prescription drugs,  not sleeping, drinking, and is becoming both progressively more  paranoid and reluctant to engage with anyone.

He blames himself for his son's death (he signed for the life support to be withdrawn), and for not having realised that the little lad was his before.

I am struggling too, whilst I did not know the little boy, he was my flesh and blood, and I am grieving the 'might have beens'!

Any suggestions on what we could do to support? (We are listening and have made it clear that we would welcome.

Catbrian:
What a truly awful experience for you and your son.  To lose such a young life is always difficult to understand, but I can only imagine the emotions surrounding only discovering his existence and applying for custody, and then there's the unimaginable responsibility of switching off life support.-  There is bound to be a lot of regret and what if's.

I imagine there's a grieving process all of you will go through.  Of course, your son's abuse of alcohol and drugs is a way to dull the pain.  He might not be ready to ask for help right now, but hopefully he will be very soon.  All you can do is support him as much as you can, while trying to encourage him to get professional help.

You are struggling to cope with your feelings for your son and grandson and that must be enormously difficult.  It's good you found the Forum.  Perhaps it might help to share on here for a while.

Grandma:
Hi

Thank you Cat, it is a bit of a nightmare, its particularly difficult because my son is Autistic albeit high functioning, he is really rigid and once he gets an idea into his head, that's it!

I am incredibly proud of how he responded to discovering that he was a father, and the commitment he showed, but there is a bit of me that wishes that he hadn't, to lose a child is a pain that never wanes; Two of mine are terminally ill (including my son himself), and just the knowing what is going to happen is killing me slowly, to have it actually happen must be worse still.

Anyway, thank you for being there xxx

Sweetpea:
My goodness how awfully sad. Does your son have a good gp? Does he see him/her often?  Just thinking they the Dr would maybe realise things are not right for your son.  Its understandable that both your son and yourself are suffering.  You need to go through grieving.  Do you tell about the baby?

Big  :hug: for you.

I hope you find the forum helpful, we are a friendly bunch and will help you as much as we can.

S x x x x

Grandma:
Hi

It is all a bit nightmarish, we seem to lurch from one crisis to another!

My son won't see his GP, he says he will nag at him, I don't think he has told him about his son but in any case he is saying he doesn't want to explain to his doctor about how he feels.

I think he has been contacted by cardiology as his recorder is doing strange things, but one of the things I have learnt over the years is that he will only tell me what he wants to tell!

My daughter is seen by specialists pretty much every week, her condition has been deteriorating pretty steadily and rapidly over the last three years, it's a case of hoping that she may have some small period of remission and  gain a little more time.

I don't cope, I just feel incredible guilt, (my rogue genes), and lurch from one day to the next.

Big hugs xxx

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