BPD resources

[captainkeefy]

Here are some resources for BPD

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/

http://www.bpdresources.net/best_support_groups/resources_bpd.htm

[Catbrian]

Oh thanks, Capt... sorry, I just noticed this post.  I'm looking for that video

[captainkeefy]

I have resources for family members of BPD suffers too if anyone needs advice on helping someone with BPD or even if the family member thinks they are living with BPD.

[Catbrian]

Yer, Capt, I wouldn't mind seeing that info for family members.  It's taking me a bit of time to get through the reading material I have, but I'll get there eventually!  You seem to read and absorb at a tremendous rate, but my depression smothers concentration and memory.

[captainkeefy]

The resources I have for family members is a website and the staff who run it ask that nobody with BPD visit the site. This is because some of the stuff on there can be very triggering for someone with BPD.

[Catbrian]

You know, I can well imagine that happening.  I wonder if some of it might upset a person with a PD; to hear how others might be viewing them. 

[captainkeefy]

Yeah, I spent a bit of time as the ambassador on the forum and what you tend to find is that partners of people with BPD tend to have a PD themselves, others have had a parent with BPD and some of the members on there actually have BPD themselves and are projecting it at their partner. There are other people on the forum who have split up with people with BPD and speak about their ex as a monster. The staff their soon diffuse threads like that though as other members who love their partners get really offended by this. I wouldn't like to visit that site if I have BPD.

[Catbrian]

There are times in my life, Capt, when you could say my BPD was in full swing, I recall myself as a monster sometimes.  I am sure there are one or two ex's who would certainly agree, although perhaps not as politely.  I am not saying I use BPD as an excuse for some of the horrible things I've said or done.  However, since understanding the condition, I feel less ashamed of admitting that I was very much in the wrong.  I have suffered badly from "Splitting" and I can understand there are some family members, close friends, and partners who have suffered by it too.

Fear of abandonment and Splitting are probably the two main reasons why I have chosen to stay celibate, with few friends, during all these years.  I'm trying to save others and myself from hurtling into one of my bizarre BPD traits.  I suppose the Complex Needs Service will help reorganise my thought patterns

[captainkeefy]

One thing I find with people with BPD is that because of the black and white thinking that can come with it people tend not to see the gray, as in. It takes two people to argue, each person is 50% responsible. They are responsible for their own actions. Sometimes I wonder if my Wife is BPD because she is very emotionally raw and she can go into meltdown in seconds and its all my fault, she can explode with rage from the slightest criticism. She also projects her bad moods at me for example yesterday she got up in a bad mood and I just did my own thing then she went out. When she got home she said "You where in a foul mood this morning." But I wasn't, I did what my T advised and gave her space and refused to absorb her stress. That was my choice, I could have very easily ended up arguing with her but I chose to distance myself from her emotions and let her get on with them.

I guess the first thing is to say Borderline Personality Disorder is a set of behaviours. Obviously they come from faulty core beliefs. I don't believe this is the sufferers fault. I believe it's up to our parents to form our core beliefs, but when they have faulty core beliefs what chance have they got? For me, there isn't anyone to blame not us, not the generation before. In my case I can trace back on my Mums side 3 generations of situations that probably caused abandonment issues. There is also a lot of diagnosed mental illness in my gene pool. Like Bi Polar, schizophrenia. I think there is nature and nurture there. There is a recipe for a PD there.

[Catbrian]

That's very interesting what you say about the wife's reaction to your "new approach" of giving her space.  I guess as you start to change within yourself, this must affect your wife.  I wonder, was she able to accept that you were simply giving her space?

Your second paragraph is something that often comes up in the Forum; is our MH genetic or is it learned behaviour? Personally, I think it's maybe a bit of both, but perhaps more of a learned behaviour.  I think our parent's are responsible for our early developing core beliefs but I guess whether or not it is their "fault", is debatable.  How can they be held responsible for the core beliefs they developed as a child?

In my case, both my parents are from dysfunctional families.  I think my mother, and possibly even my sister, have PD's.  What chance did we have as a family unit?  My Mum has always been a depressive.  I think my own MH has developed from there.  One of the symptoms of PD, chronic emptiness, has been part of my personality since my earliest memories. Mum was always saying things like, "Nothing is ever enough for you", "You don't know when to stop".   So, I need to consider exactly how early was I displaying signs of a PD? By 5 years old, I had already become a very disturbed child.

I've just had my CPN visiting this morning. I was saying to her how invaluable this Forum has been in helping pull me out from years of dark depression.  More importantly, this PD section and CaptK's wealth of knowledge, has been supporting and educating me through an early diagnosis of BPD.  Life might not exactly be any easier, but it certainly makes a lot more sense.  Understanding myself gives me a lot more control.  Maybe for the first time, I am in the drivers seat of my own life, if that makes sense

[captainkeefy]

My Wife can't except anything I tell her. She adds her own spin on everything using her emotions as apposed to logic. She says I was very aggressive when we first met although from my point of view it was more of a case of me not backing down from her aggressive behaviour. Eventually I stopped arguing back and just started being quiet and more passive aggressive towards her temper. Both these behaviours of mine she sees as me trying to manipulate her. What she can't seem to do is see that I might have be responsible for my behaviour but that's it, I'm not responsible for hers and she doesn't even realise her behaviour was half of the situation. Communication with her is almost impossible if its something that causes an emotional response, it's like poking a stick in a wasps nest. She also sees my recent depression as a form of manipulation, but doesn't take into consideration that I have been put into C.B.T. In front of a psychiatrist and also been put into a specialist PD service. I've probably got all these specialists fooled in her eyes (but not her!) I found my moods are completely different since I stopped accepting responsibility for her emotions and moods and also her dramas. I think I re phrasing what I posted in my last post. I think it would be more constructive to say that I think I see behaviours in my wife that a professional might see as Traits of BPD. I don't think it's fair to use such a sweeping statement really.

I do think that we learn a lot of behaviours from our parents, we mirror them. I think this is why people with BPD mirror others in life because they never built a whole 'self' in childhood this creates the existential vacuum or 'chronic emptiness' that fuels BPD. I think a lot of BPD is about filling that vacuum. D.B.T. Developed for Borderlines is about learning new behaviours, I'd love to develope another type of therapy if I where in a position too. I'd like to teach borderlines to forget about conformism and or totalitarianism and develop the whole 'self'. First off what is that persons meaning in life? What drives them? Then teach them to validate themselves from this. I think this could help with black and white thinking too. I think this would be like teaching a person to re-parent their inner child.

I'm glad that you have found my posts useful. I have also found your posts useful too, this section has been really good for me to explore myself and seek my own validation.

[Catbrian]

I love your analogy, “poking a stick in a wasps nest”, that’s excellent.  Sometimes those closest to us are the least sympathetic.  When that happens to be with a partner, sometimes there can be an emotional cloud looming over their sympathy.  I also think, by what you say, Mrs Capt definitely has her own baggage.

I do agree that chronic emptiness could lead to mirroring other people.  This was especially true in my younger days.  Although, I would still say, I always feel like an actor in a play; never fully being myself because that self isn’t completely developed yet.  A particular quote on the MIND website on PD, which rings very true for me, “I feel like a child trying to live in an adult’s world”. 

It’s interesting what you say about learning new behaviours through something like DBT.  My problem with this is that it feels a bit like masking over the problem.  Yes, of course, we might adopt the new behaviours, but the chronic emptiness etc. must still be there.  So, I would generally agree on the need to go back to square one and develop the child within by filling the emptiness.  Although I’m not sure that filling that emptiness is the key to “overcoming” BPD

[captainkeefy]

That's basically what I was saying. Develop the inner child, fill the internal emptiness with a long term meaning and then learn the behaviours. I see this as kind of like, instead of plastering over the cracks, going back to the bare brick, repointing the wall 'core beliefs' then putting new fresh and stronger plaster over the bricks 'values' and 'boundaries'

You could start your first session by saying 'when your old and looking back at your life, you'd like to say. "I over came BPD and achieved.....' First add meaning to why they are in therapy, then start the journey inwards.