Feel so unlistened to

[musicken]

Please try to hang in there .  The post-it note idea sounds like a good idea.
I'm at work so can't really reply much at the moment. Will be thinking about you and hoping you're ok.  Best wishes.

[Catbrian]

Sad girl... there is nothing worse than feeling we are not being listened too, but the people on this Forum are listening.  I know it's not the same as having 1-2-1 friendship, but it is the next best thing.

I know you've been through hell, I've been following your posts.  It's not for me to say anything will get any better, but it did for me, and I was "a hopeless case".  I cannot tell you how I came through my worst moments, it's all a blur.  I think I sort of resigned myself to the fact that life was pretty Sh** right now....but maybe tomorrow, or next week, might be better.  Of course, for sometime, it never did get any better.  Maybe it is my 'what if?' mentality, but that 'what if it did get better' eventually came true

Many of us long to be dead but few of us really want to die.  For me, suicide came to signify an option if things didn't get any better.  Somehow, it made me feel better that I had final control over that get out clause.  It's very clichéd to say, "one day at a time" but it is a very powerful tool.

I hope you can get yourself through this weekend

[Pip]

Trying to catch up .... it's so hard at times to get a point across.  Personally I gave up a long time ago trying to get the help I need.  A little bit of me fears being sectioned as I will be seen as a basket case or thought off as over dramatic.  It's easier for me to muddle through and know that if I want support I would rather come here.

[Sadgirl4]

Well it's Tuesday morning and I'm still here. A few good things happened over the weekend. The crisis team did manage to only send the good guys to visit me, the ones who listen, and the new care plan seems to be working.  My husband's family came on Monday and his mum said some lovely things to me.
BUT - at 3am on Sat morning, everything looked so bleak.  My board of positives just didn't do it. And I was so tired of being consumed by the darkness with no help to fight it. So I took a lot of pills and alcohol.  I was about 3/4 of the way through my stash when something made me pause.  Not sure what - my wavering, weak faith would say it was God - but the feeling of inevitability I have had about about my death for the past month or so was replaced by the feeling that I had to make a choice.  (The reason I say it was God is because the only other time I have had this exact same feeling was just before I became a Christian). Whatever- I decided not to take any more, and see what happened. I figured if I didn't die, and things didn't improve, I could always try again another time.  That I would do what I have been doing - try and keep going till a certain event - visit to counsellor/psych/seeing family etc. 
So far very few symptoms considering what I took.  Upset stomach, headache, dry mouth, no sleep for 48 hours. i know symptoms can be delayed though.  Crisis team visitor on Sat noticed dry mouth but I made some excuse.
Today I feel so low again. This happens every time I reach my "event" and it passes. It's like being on a roller coaster. You haul yourself up to the date, with every effort you can make, then when it's gone, you plummet.  Seeing counsellor on Wed.
So my dilemma.  I told crisis team not to visit yesterday because it was the lovely guy who has had depression himself. He and I have talked about my faith and he (and his mother's church) are praying for me.  And he is working today. I  do find him easy to talk to - he has been suicidal himself so he knows how it is. i know I ought to tell him what I have done. No-one knows - except you guys. But I see that as a one way ticket to hospital. Also I don't want my psych, who is back today, thinking I was trying to blackmail him into changing meds. That wasn't anything to do with it.  And it wasn't down to my coming off my meds. You all know how I have been feeling, and tbh last weekend had been the "right time" in my mind for several weeks. What should I do?

[Pip]

I am thankful that you had the courage to be honest here.  We are Christians as well and it's my faith that's helped my through the really dark times.  For many years I turned my back on my faith due to things that happened in 1981 / 1982 as I blamed everybody including myself and God.  I was self harming and was attempting suicide as I believed it was the only way to end the emotional pain I was going through.  I came back to my faith in 2004 due to circumstances and it has helped as I have learned to forgive those who hurt me.  I also knew it wasn't God's fault and I shouldn't blame myself for what others had done to me.  It's good that you can talk to this one guy though as trust is so important.  I will get you on our church list as well.  Our ministers are great as we don't have to give any details, it is enough for them just knowing that someone is low or depressed.

[Sadgirl4]

So I agonised over what to say, but in the end thought I had to be honest, so when he asked me how the weekend was I told him awful. He asked why, I said I couldn't tell him because of what he would do. And this is why I like him so well. He said that he probably wouldn't do what I was thinking of, and he didn't think the team would either, because they all know that hospital is detrimental and all that would happen would be that I would get even lower and either do something there or wait till I was discharged.  So I told him.  He asked what effects it had had and if I had been sick, and whether I needed to be checked out.  I expressed my fear about people misinterpretating my motive, and he said no-one would think that, that they knew how desperate I was feeling.  He said he was glad my faith had helped me, and hoped that would continue to do so.  He arranged he would make an appointment with my psych and let me know when it was later today, which he has done. So my psych now knows what has happened. Just have to hope he meant what he said about not sectioning me.
I am seeing him on thurs. I have decided that if he agrees to change my meds I am going to be totally upfront with him and tell him the real date I stopped my meds.  I never lie to him - not going to start now. I know he will think it's because I came off the meds that Saturday morning happened, but in fact I decided on this weekend some weeks ago and my suicidal thoughts haven't altered in intensity - they have been this strong for months.
Really struggling again though. Trying to quieten the "what ifs" that are running through my mind.  What if he does decide to section me? What if he doesn't change the meds? What if he does and the escitalopram doesn't work? I know "each day has enough worries of its own", but my head is so out of control these days. And maybe it was my faith that saved me (more likely all those prayers, plus people at my church who are praying) but it's so weak and wavering. And I am so tired. Can't do any more of those roller coasters. And thurs is a long time away when you're not sleeping.

[Pip]

Focus on the fact that your appointment is on Thursday.  If he thought you was a real danger to yourself he would have arranged something much quicker.  Talking is halve the battle and you have been honest, well done for having the courage.

[Catbrian]

In my experience, Mental health will do everything but section someone.  It's not generally a very helpful environment.  The fact you are being honest with him, also builds their trust in you.  I think, if you want to sort out the meds, be honest about when you stopped.

Having a faith certainly does bring strength and comfort during our worst moments.  It sounds like you have some nice supportive people around you.  I hope everything starts to work out for you

[Sadgirl4]

So - psych very unhappy about overdose. Accused me of not telling ct what i had taken. (this was inaccurate - they didnt ask me. think he had misunderstoid something one of them said, but i didnt argue the toss). Said he would change meds but I would need to reduce gradually. So I told him I didn't need to because I had stopped them. He hit the roof. Said people were putting a lot of effort into my care and I repaid that with dishonesty. I told him I was afraid of being hospitalised. He said he had already told me that he didn't think that would be helpful. Nice ct lady was there too - she said my sleep or lack of it was a big issue, but he didn't do anything about that. I said I just wanted to get rid of the suicidal thoughts and he told me I needed to fill my time. Well at least he didn't tell me to distract myself! I said it didn't work, that the noise is always there. He just didn't get it. He said I have been ill for so long and my support networks aren't really there any more, so I need help to get back into my life.  Doesn't he think I want that? But the thoughts are too intense, too persistent.
I did feel listened to, but despair at my inability to explain why distraction doesn't work. I know I should hold onto the meds change (20mg escitalopram starting next week). But it will be weeks before it starts to work, and I am so unstable - to the point where I am actually considering hospital because I fear for my safety.  But I won't be able to see my counsellor if I do, because she's 45 mins away, and I won't be able to drive even if they let me out. And in the long term she might be the answer.
My counsellor suggested valerian for sleep - but just like everything else it didn't work.

[Grandma]

Oh Sad Girl,

I am so sorry, and I know just what you mean about the suicidal noises, sometimes they are so strong its impossible to hide from them.

I was given Quetiapine to help with the sleep issues; just 25 - 50 mg - it took weeks to start working but it does now and sleeping does have a huge impact. Sadly, I can't think of any miracle solutions, but I am thinking of you for what it's worth, and if I do have any ideas I will let you know xx

[Catbrian]

Hi sadgirl...   That sounds a very difficult meeting but I think it's good you had the courage to be honest.  Yes, of course, he might have been annoyed but, deep down, he will also be glad of your honesty.  Now you can start afresh with a new medication next week.  Sleeping is so important to mental health and it is a pity the Psych didn't give you anything.  Do you see him next week?  Maybe you could persuade him to prescribe you something short term.  What about your GP?

I'm afraid, whenever I am going through a bad depression, I cannot distract myself, I can barely move or muster any energy for anything.  These Mental health workers are full of big ideas at times 

[Sweetpea]

So feel for you. I can not keep myself busy when I am bad, its all I can do to get out of bed . That seems a very silly thing to say, especially from a phych Dr. Also expecting you to cope until new meds kick in seems wrong. I was given Clonazepam to help me through my med change over. It really helped.

S x x x x 

Sent from my BlackBerry 9300 using Tapatalk

[Sadgirl4]

Thanks everyone for being here.
I have tried 6 different sleeping tablets over the last 6 months. None of them give me more than a couple of hours sleep, and leave me feeling physically awful, so I just don't bother now.
Saw my counsellor today. She is being very supportive, even said I could call her anytime if things were really bad. I just feel like I can't make much progress with her because my head is full of all the suicidal thoughts, to the exclusion of anything else. We had a long chat about hospital. There are so many valid reasons for not going, but one huge reason for - that it is the only place someone can be with me 24 hours, and right now that feels like the only thing that will keep me physically safe. Yes I know I could wake hubby up, or make sure I am in the same room as someone else, but I don't do this because too much of me doesn't want to be safe. My counsellor thinks I am disengaged from the world, and part of that 24 hour watch thing is about trying to get a grip on reality - also my need for hugs. It is true I have been feeling for the longest time that I am on the edge of life watching it go on without me, so much so I think no-one will notice if I cease to be. Does that make any sense? She wants to meet my hubby, which he is happy to do- she thinks she can offer him some ideas on how to support me. She also said she would talk to my psych.
Lovely Irish guy from ct came this evening. I just spent the entire time in floods of tears. Guess counsellor did phone psych because Irish knew I was thinking about hospital. He said it wasn't a good idea, but had no answer for how I was supposed to hang on, beyond "use the pager". What's the point? So they can tell me to distract myself? I didn't wake anyone last Saturday, I didn't use the pager. You just don't when the feelings get too much. Surely they realise if I am contemplating hospital I am at my wits end? I have easy access to some powerful drugs.  I cannot see any reason to go on.

[Buttercup]

Hi

I would guess that if the crisis team & Pdoc don't think hospital is a good idea then it would be difficult for you to get yourself admitted. I know the aim in my area is to keep people out & deal with in the community.

I've been where you are, just desperate & the feeling of desperation is terrifying & awful. It's almost impossible to distract yourself. Sometimes I get my hubby to take me out or something, just to get out the house. I used to keep everything to myself but I've been really good recently & have told my hubby & CPN.

Xxxx

[Sadgirl4]

So am now employing the only coping strategy that helps at all - alcohol. Unsurprisingly frowned on by ct and psych, but they are offering me nothing else. They phoned this morning to say they would visit this afternoon and was I ok? I said no. Was I on my own? Yes. Would I be ok? Who knows. Well you can use the pager. Right - like that will make any difference at all. She asked if I was still thinking about hospital. It doesn't matter - counsellor told me she had spoken to psych and he was against the idea, so they won't admit me. And I am so overcome now I don't want to be safe.  Going to be on my own for most of today and tomorrow. And anyway I wasn't alone last w/e and it didn't stop me. My attempts to end it are always begun when sober, not impulsive but planned in advance. My fingertip grip on life is loosening. And there is no-one to grab me.