Hi Sadgirl
I've been sitting here for nearly an hour trying to write a reply but I'm not finding myself very articulate this morning afternoon, so it's proving tricky.
Without knowing you, I'm conscious of accidentally saying/asking something that's been said over and over, or triggers further feelings of isolation, so if I accidentally do so, I apologise in advance.
Some of what you've said is familiar territory for me too; Although I've so far avoided crisis teams and wards, I've also had to live with intrusive suicidal feelings for much of my adult life. It's very draining and those who've never been there won't ever be able to understand.
Is there something that triggers these feelings? are they constant, or do you have periods of time where you can function without them intruding as much?
I've had bad experiences with psychs too, quite often I've gone away from a session feeling much worse. Fortunately I had one or two people I was able to turn to and speak to them on the phone, or by text. Just knowing that there was someone to say 'there there' was enough for me.
But you can escape, this forum could be a rescue rope of sorts.
Is there a reason you can't talk to your husband? I can't really talk to my wife for a number of reasons. she doesn't understand depression at all, often tells me I'm being silly when the mood makes me really low. Also, there's other issues in our marriage that are forcing me to build a wall for no other reason than to protect myself. Not being able to talk to one's spouse about important issues is such a bad thing, and it certainly doesn't help me feel any better. So I'm here instead treating this forum like an anonymous group-therapy session.
Sorry to hear that your friend is poorly, and I can understand why you don't want to burden her at the moment. So, 'burden' us instead. By that I mean you'd not be a burden, we're all here for the same reason. If there are things that you don't feel comfortable talking about in the open forum, you can always turn to private messages when you find some people here that you feel you can trust enough.
It's not your fault for not getting him to explain, by the way. it's his fault for not explaining. Your thought processes will be muddy through the depression and the medication, so don't blame yourself. Could you write it all down in a letter to your psych instead of worrying about going to pieces at you next session?
It might be worth looking at things to help you cope. For me, listening to ambient/atmospheric/drone music on headphones often works to drown out the world for a spell. Once the weather improves I hope to start taking evening walks, again with headphones on, listening to Audiobooks to help me concentrate. People in my group therapy session have mentioned 'mindfulness' as a technique and we got a handout on it but I've not had a chance to explore it, but at it's simplest it is picking some task and doing it mindfully - even something like doing the dishes; removing all distractions and concentrating on the task.
Would going for a short, five minute walk every day help? you could gradually build up the time perhaps? Sometimes the thought of having to interact with other people can be too much, so what about going for a coffee on your own? or is it the thought of being around people?
Don't give in, though. keep fighting through, even if the vision of screaming at your psych in your next meeting is the only thing keeping you going.
I hope this helps somehow. Am here if you need to vent more, as are others.
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