Author Topic: Jokes thread  (Read 97026 times)

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #705 on: February 18, 2021, 10:59:59 AM »
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.  The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on her phone. "Where are you? the wife said. "You know we have lots to do."

He replied, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace. I couldn't afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop" she replied.

"Well, I'm in the video game store next to that."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #706 on: March 14, 2021, 08:04:26 PM »
A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.  "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Frobisher's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #707 on: March 14, 2021, 08:06:53 PM »
A large passenger plane is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 35,000 feet, when suddenly an F-22 Raptor appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, a boring flight isn't it? Take care and have a look here!"

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the plane and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The airplane pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the plane, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed.  After five minutes, the plane pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?"

The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #708 on: April 05, 2021, 10:42:29 AM »
An airhead driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. The airhead remembered what had said: "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and started to follow it, for about forty-five minutes.  Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked what happened. The airhead explained what Dad said.  The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Walmart parking lot. Do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #709 on: April 05, 2021, 10:43:46 AM »
A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals.  One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does you father say when the family sits down to dinner?"

Jerry answered, "Dad says 'Go easy on the butter, kids - it's three bucks a pound!'"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #710 on: April 05, 2021, 10:45:07 AM »
College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!"

Father: "Really?  What's the good news?"

College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"

Father: "I certainly do."

College student: "Well, you get to keep it."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #711 on: April 07, 2021, 11:17:38 AM »
A man stops by his local florist shop to buy flowers for his new girlfriend for Valentine's Day. He asks the proprietor, "You know the expression, 'You should say it with flowers'?"

"How about three dozen of my finest roses?" the florist asks.

"Make it a half dozen roses," the man answers. "I'm a man of few words."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #712 on: April 07, 2021, 11:28:55 AM »
TOP 7 WAYS TO ACQUIRE A HUSBAND

(from J. Duin)

*  Have your husband act like a jerk toward a famous warlord while you secretly show up at the warlord's camp with muleloads of tasty provisions, at which point the warlord falls in love with you, after which point you inform your husband of the whole matter, at which point he has a stroke, dies and you marry the warlord.

*  Show up at a threshing floor (if you can find one anywhere outside of Kansas) in the dead of night and uncover the feet of the best-looking guy there.

*  Go to any old watering hole and start filling the watering jars of the guy with the most camels.

*  Have your good-looking sister lure someone to marry here but substitute yourself for her on their wedding night.

*  Hang around barren women and offer to be a concubine for their husbands' need for heirs.

*  Take a bath naked on your roof preferably in view of some nearby palace.

*  Make like a prostitute around guys who hear from God that they need to marry you to show the country the nature of their idolatrous ways.

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #713 on: April 13, 2021, 07:05:36 PM »
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.  "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #714 on: April 18, 2021, 04:53:05 PM »
"Look, Charlie," the coach said, "you know the principles of good sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesn't allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language."

"Yes sir, I understand."

"Good, Charlie. Now, would you please explain that to your father?"

stewart

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #715 on: April 28, 2021, 11:33:40 AM »
What tranquilizer does a cat get?


Moggy don
Without Love we are just a handfull of chemicals suspended in water

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #716 on: May 23, 2021, 02:26:33 PM »
A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.  The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.  Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!"

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #717 on: May 23, 2021, 02:27:27 PM »
A young boy went to church for the first time. His grandpa asked how he liked it.  The youngster's review: "The music was nice, but the commercial was too long."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #718 on: June 02, 2021, 03:48:00 PM »
At my granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me!  The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"

I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #719 on: June 02, 2021, 03:52:43 PM »
Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.  Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true.  She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset.  She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO