I don't really know why, I've been feeling strange today like there's something I'd rather be doing but I have no idea what. I thought going to work may actually be a relief today but when I got there I seemed to get this paranoia about the people I worked with, like they talk behind my back or something. A desperate need to know what people really think of me but knowing how paranoid that is. Then this all just becomes physiological, I keep breathing heavily, putting my head in my hands and pacing around. Then I keep thinking, I can't live this way, I'd rather not be alive right now.
Then I get to thinking that everything I've ever done has only seemed to cause me some variety of dissatisfaction, what's the point of trying to make a go of life when I could be just as miserable doing nothing? I think the most I really want from life is nothing, no terrifying future events, no difficult social situations, no bickering family. Then I think about the people in my life who seemed to die too soon and how I would have swapped places with them because at least they could make something work; life has nothing for me, clearly.
I'm sorry for starting a new thread, I know I'm attention seeking, I'm just so insecure that I need to do this.
