Hi, I'm Heather and I'm 17 years old. I've been suffering from Depression & Anxiety for over a year now. I thought I would tell you my story, and hope that anybody who reads this who is suffering from depression, might find inspiration from it. Its quite long but if you give yourself time to read it, I promise it will be worth it!
1 Year - so it might not be very long to some people right? But its definately been long enough for me. Things have never been exactly good for me, even during childhood, but things got dramatically worse when I was just 14. My twin sister Louise, died on the 6th of June 2007. Louise had severe disabilities, she suffered from Cerebral Palsy since birth. She was really ill by 2007, she was in the Intensive Care unit for nearly 2 weeks suffering from extreme breathing difficulties in which she had to be on a ventilator permantly just so that she could breathe properly. My family & I knew she wouldn't get any better, and it all ended in Louise passing away in mine and my parents arms.
And as if losing my twin sister wasn't enough, less than a year later, my Grandma died too, after having two heart attacks. I was in my 4th year of High School at this point, studying for my GCSE's. My last two years of high school were literally a living hell. Knowing I would never see my Sister or my Grandma ever again was unbearable to carry around everyday, yet I had to find some strength to go into school everyday and try to do well in my exams. It was then that I was slowly sinking into depression, and I was eventually diagnosed depressed in February 2009. At the same time, I was having problems at home (I still am at present) emotionally and financially, so this made everything worse.
Surprisingly, I actually managed to do very well in my exams which got me to my first year at College. But, as the depression and anxiety got extremely worse, I couldn't deal with College anymore and I had to drop out in March 2010. At this point everyday dragged - I didn't care about my appearance or anything about myself, I wasn't eating properly, I had literally no motivation to do anything, even something as simple as brushing my teeth. To be blunt, I didn't see the point in living anymore, nothing seemed worthwhile and I couldn't stop thinking that everything would be 10x better if Louise and my Granny were still around. I was crying all the time, and I was even starting to plan killing myself and how I could do it. I felt completely alone, and felt like nobody cared about me, I wasn’t speaking to family or friends about it, and my boyfriend was literally the only person that was keeping me from ending my life. I didn’t know what to do, and I thought I would be depressed forever, and things would never get any better.
As this was all going on, I realised that I couldn’t go on like that, and I had to seek help and quick. So I visited my doctor, and began to explore the options of anti-depressants and CCBT or ‘Computerised Cognitive Behavioural Therapy’. I was also seeing a bereavement counsellor at this point too. I was prescribed with Anti-Depressants, something I really didn’t want to do, and I began to take part in CCBT once a week.
At first, the Anti-Depressants were hard to deal with because I was getting side effects like headaches and nausea and dizziness etc, and I was in such a negative and bad mind set that I didn’t think the CCBT would work. But, as the weeks passed, the side effects were slowly disappearing and the CCBT was getting extremely helpful. I couldn’t believe that maybe this was the start of getting better, I couldn’t accept it because I was so scared of having a setback, and feeling how I was before.
Now its the 15th of May 2010, and I believe that I’m now on the mend. I’m fighting my depression and anxiety everyday, taking my anti-depressant every morning, having CCBT each week and seeing my counsellor every two weeks. With my counselling, I’m seeing my twin sister’s & my Granny’s death in a much more positive way, remembering them with happy memories and using positive techniques in which to do this. The CCBT has helped me turn my dark, negative thoughts into positive ones and I’m now feeling like I can cope everyday and I’m looking after myself so much more. I'm going back to College in September and I have my interview on Monday :) Financially, I’ve sorted myself out too temporarily. I’ve claimed Employment & Support Allowance, meaning I get a certain amount of money every two weeks, which means I can afford to treat myself (something I didn’t do before) and I’ve also joined my local gym which is supposed to be a very helpful way to fight off depression.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is, that depression is a serious mental health illness and can take over your life. It feels like you’re in a dark tunnel and you can’t see any light at the end of it, you’re just completely stuck in the darkness. But I promise, there IS light at the end of that tunnel, it’s a long tunnel, don’t get me wrong, but I swear to you, if you are determined enough to find that light, you’ll do it. I still have a long way to go, I’m still in the tunnel, but I can now see the light at the end and I’m looking forward to reaching it.
If you are feeling like life isn’t worthwhile, and nothing will ever get any better, PLEASE seek help. Talk to your doctor, and stay with your family and friends or boyfriends or girlfriends, they can support you along the way. Medication is also a big help, it slowly takes away the chemical in-balances in your brain. With the Medication, CCBT & Counselling in combination will help too, the CCBT helps you cope everyday again, and the counselling can help long term problems and especially problems in the past, and it’s important to talk about your fears and feelings, instead of bottling them up inside.
Fighting depression and anxiety is like being in a boxing ring, round by round, step by step, you get stronger and slowly beat them into the ground!
You are not alone in this, there are so many people around the world suffering just as much as you are, remember that.
I hope that you have took the time to read what I wanted to say, and I hope, even if its just a small amount, it has helped. If you are willing to work at it, I promise everything will be okay in the end, and I wish you all the best of luck, and hope you can get onto the road to recovery like I am.
If you ever need to talk, I’m here too. Just send me and e-mail to:
heather_xox@msn.com
Good luck everyone, and take care! Lots of love to you all xxxxx
