Long standing depression

[CcMan]

Hello all, this is my first time posting on a board, but I'll give it a shot and see how it goes.

Im in my mid 30s, and for the majority of my life I have dealt with fear of a variety of things. Starting even at 5 years old I remember being made fun of because of my name. I used to hide from the bus in order to make my parents take me to school. I was never really popular in school although at the time I wish I was.

I went through most of my teenage years this way until I expanded my horizons in college, where I was able to open up a little. But of course, I fell for a girl that was really not into me, and when she started dating someone else, I ended up failing out of college and finishing up my degree elsewhere.

During that time I landed my dream job, which seemed to make it all worth it, but shortly thereafter I met who was to be my future wife (this was ten years ago).

When we first got together, I realized there were some things wrong. For example, she often drank excessively during that time, and I tried to nurse her back so to speak. Then she started hating gifts that my mom would send her for birthdays, etc, and it got to the point where I had to tell my mom not to send gifts anymore, which of course hurt my mom. Slowly I backed away from friends and family.

Anyway since then we have two beautiful kids, but I can't help but feel completely alone. I am a manager at work, and I feel completely overwhelmed trying to manage my fear and anxiety. At home I feel totally out of control. Whatever my wife has going on (and she has a lot by the way) is paramount, but my concerns appear to be second priority.

I was on depression medication off and on last year, an it only left me a shell of a person.

I feel horrible and I don't know what to  do.

[Sweetpea]

It sounds to me like you have had a lot going on in your mind for a long time.  Have you considered going to your dr again, I know you have said you have already been on medication.  But sometimes medication alone is not enough for some people.  In my experience I find that medication and some sort of therapy helps.  I am having councelling now and have only just a few minutes ago got in from a session.  It has really helped me see why I am like I am and is helping me to cope along with medication.  Have you thought of councelling?  It is not for everyone but it would give you a chance to go over everything that has happened and is happening to you.

You are not alone here we will all help and advise where we can.

S x

[CcMan]

Thanks for your reply.

The only counceling was from the doctor who prescribed the medication. It wasn't much of a help, she basically sat with her laptop and reiterated what I was saying.

I'm grasping for answers but they seem to elude me.

[Sweetpea]

That doesn't sound very helpful to me, as I have said medication is good and I take anti-depressants but I think it helps more with some kind of therapy.  I do my counselling privatately as the waiting list was over a year with the nhs.

I hope it helps you by writing in your journal here, this forum has helped me greatly.  Just knowing you are not alone and that people understand is a great support to me and hopefully you too.

S x

[Zaf]

I agree with shaz, medication combined with good counselling can make a lot of difference, its possible to go private and MIND will do it cheaper if you cant afford full price

Z xx

[Sweetpea]

My counselling is through MIND you can find your nearest center by typing MIND in your search engine.  Its £35 per session its cheaper if you are on benefits or on low income.   I only had to wait a couple of weeks.

S x

[CcMan]

I wonder if there is something like that in the united states, as I am based out of the US.

[CcMan]

Today was a bad day. I had to leave work early to keep my sanity.

[Sweetpea]

Sorry I don't know, but I am sure there will be something similar.

Take care

S x

[Zaf]

Its certainly worth taking a look on google, do you have any health insurance?

Z xx

[CcMan]

I do have health insurance. I think that some if not all counseling might be covered. I'll have to check what's available in my area.

I found a book last night 'Self Coaching' by Joe Luciani that I am almost half way through. It is a really good read, and a lot of it really hits home. Especially the examples. It suggests more of a mental rather than physical basis for what we are feeling.  Please take a look at it. I hope it helps me, and I hope it can help this community also.

[Zaf]

Thanks ccman, did you look at your health insurance to see if counselling is included in your cover?

Z x