Hi, I'm Mat

[Zaf]

I certainly dont think you were delusional at all, if you have a dream you need to go for it and thats what you did to be cruelly stopped in your tracks by the visa regulations. 

Is there any way you can see forward to either getting to the US again, or working towards changing your current situation?

[danbob]

welcome aboard :)

[lou]

Hi matt i think perhaps seeing a psychiatrist may help and as someone else suggested a change of lifestyle? i have practically stopped drinking and have done for the last four months after my last self harming episode!
some days i really struggle with not having a drink, some days i just want to get completely wasted but i know where this will end up, and i can't keep doing that to the people around me.
most days are a real struggle but my sister keeps telling me i will have good days and bad days so i try and look at it like that.
hope tomorrow you have a good day

[GRM]

I'm far too cynical for any of that.  I had my naive period of hope and believing things could change...now i've accepted my fate and it's just getting the courage to go through with it.  I could give up drinking, I could move somewhere else, I could exercise and do whatever, I know full well the way I feel will never truly go away and i'm no longer naive enough to think something good will be coming around the corner.

Put short, in order to get better, I need to want to get better, which I don't.

[Zaf]

You definitely need to want to get better but if you hate the symptoms why dont you want to?

[GRM]

Basically I've only been aware of my depression for the last year, but upon realising this, it made me aware of how it's always been there throughout my life, I just constantly told myself it was normal.  I got by because of looking to the future for my life to get better, at Junior School it was the hope that Secondary School would be better, at Secondary School it was 6th form, at 6th form it was Uni, at Uni it was when I went to the U.S. where it seemed finally I could have some peace of mind...only for it to completely fall apart.  Now i'm stuck in this job I dislike with no perception of how things can really ever get any better than they are now.  I've given up hoping things will get better because at this point in my life, I know they just won't, that's a hard fact.  On top of this I've got these horrible memories of much better times weighing me down, as I realise my life will most likely never be as good as it was then.

That is why I don't want to get better, because if I do, all that will happen is another 40 years of this.

[Zaf]

sorry to hear you have such a pessimistic view of life,  hopefully something will happen to make things better or change your mind....

[lou]

its difficult to see things changing and sometimes we believe we deserve what we get. i've felt like that for most of my life and am amazed i'm still here, could say disappointed at times!
you need to make some changes Mat, small steps but you will begin to feel better, joining this forum says you want some help/advice/listening ear? you will get better. tomorrows another day :)

[Lol]

It is saddening to hear that you don't want to get better. On this forum you will meet many people who desperately want to get better but are battling so hard to.

It is sometimes hard to see the reality of the diversity of opinions regarding depression, but all we can hope for is that peace finds everyone in here, what ever that means to each individual.

I hope you find what you need.