Getting back to me

[lisamarretta]

So the past week or so has been horrific, I am covered in bruises from my nightmares, I have missed appointments with nurses as I cannot stand the thought of removing any part of my clothing in front of someone else Hell I struggle on my own never mind with anyone else..to think about having someone else touch me makes me sick to my stomach. I lost control of my eating issue last week and it scared me a bit I have plucked up a tiny bit of courage to go to my doctor on Monday and tell him I need help with that I just have to keep that and force myself to go. Anyway last night I was laid awake just thinking about how my life has changed and how I have changed, it made me cry..I miss my old life and I miss me I really miss me! I used to go running, swimming and boxing, I used to be the life and soul of the party, if anyone was sad or sick I always had them smiling within a few minutes, I used to be so confident and happy with who I was...compared to now..I cant wash in my favourite stuff it gives me flashbacks, I cant wear my hair down it makes me feel vulnerable, I cant eat out as the thought of having to keep food down sends me into a panic, I cant enjoy a drink with my friends as I cant stop myself drinking too much and getting ridiculous thoughts in my head ( last time I got so drunk I attempted to throw myself off a high rise building) I thought about all of this as I sobbed myself to sleep, then this morning I woke up with bruises as per, but I had a flash of anger and that seemed to fuel a little determination! I decided I was going for a run, I only managed 1.5 miles half walking half running but oh my goodness it felt amazing! I am so proud of myself :) I then came home and ate some porridge which I am determined to keep down. It is nice to have these few moments where I see a glimpse of the old me, I am slowly accepting that nothing is ever going to be the same again and I have changed...but stealing these small triumphs are so worth smiling about :) I am now going to go get a shower and enjoy my good mood whilst it lasts! 

[Amanda_George]

I'm so proud of you, Lisa!  It sounds like you've been having an awful time recently, so to even make the doctors appointment is a huge achievement.

Something that helped me with difficult conversations with male doctors was to write them a letter, seal it in an envelope and take it with me to the appointment.  When the doc asks how he can help I just said "it's difficult for me to talk about so I've written it all down" then hand him the envelope.  Try and keep the letter as short as possible so that there is still time for you to discuss the contents with your doc or ask for a telephone appointment instead, so that you know you won't be examined in person?

Is there anyone you can take with you?  A female friend or relative you trust or anything like that?  Just to give you confidence that you're safe with the doctor during the appointment?  Maybe ask, in the letter, for a referral to a counsellor or psychologist or something so that you have somewhere safe to let it all out each week/fortnight/month?  It'll take a while to build up trust in this new professional and they will understand that, but they are there to listen to you, support you and help you to come to terms with what happened to you.

Maybe ask to see a female GP if it would help you to feel more comfortable during the appointment and especially if there's any chance that you'll be touched or have to take off any of your clothes.  I always took my mum to all my appointments with me for exactly that reason.

You can recover from what you've been through, it'll just take some time and lots of support.  Lock good days away in a safe in your head so that you can use them to give you confidence on bad days.  You've already come a long way and now that you've found us we'll support you as best we can too.

[lisamarretta]

I do have a counsellor I see every fortnight. I also have a support worker from a charity called The Blue Door, I also do trust my doctor he was the first person I actually told after keeping it to myself for 5 months after it happened. It’s just the physical stuff I can’t deal with, Also I have given a statement etc to the police I just need to pluck up the courage to go and do a DVD statement. I really can’t face it.. I don’t want to cry on it I don’t want him to see me cry and I go to pieces everytime I try to talk about it... he wanted me to cry throughout but I refused, it was the only thing I could seem to have control over. He’s taken far too much from me he’s not getting that aswell. So I do actually have support in place it’s just difficult sometimes to reach out.. I tend to try and ignore it and it does work for a few days but not in the long run. I have amazing friends and family around me I just haven’t told any of them I can’t do it. I’m going to take my weekend as it comes and then go to the dr Monday, start from there xx

[Amanda_George]

You're doing the right thing, Lisa.  I understand how hard it is 'cos I went through it too but you are braver than me 'cos I couldn't go to the police either time it happened to me.

Do you feel able to confide in your counsellor about what happened?  Would they be able to phone or write to your GP on your behalf maybe?  Could you maybe remind your doc just how hard it is for you to get undressed and be touched by everyone right now?

I felt the same way about not giving either of them the power of tears over me too but you're doing so well... maybe you could ask for the police to take a written victim impact statement (or whatever it's called) first so that he has no power over your tears then when you're all cried out try doing the statement on DVD then?

You're doing so well to report it and it'll hopefully be worth it when you come out the other side.  I held both attacks in for literally years before I finally got an internet connection and could set up a new identity for myself and be totally anonymous.
 

[Pip]

I am so used to telling people that baby steps are good but it sounds like you have taken a huge step to taking back your life again.

I haven't been through what you, and Amanda, have been through so I'll do my best not to come out with stupid comments.  It is going to take time for you to feel in control of your life again as it's been shattered so any normality you get back into your life is taking control back from him.  One day you will even be able to cry and know that he isn't in control becouse you are lettting yourself cry.  You have already shown your strength and courage by reporting what happened, by dealing with each day as it comes and making steps to help yourself.  Remember each day you're a winner, not a loser, because you are coping.  A small triumph is in fact a huge triumph because you are survivng.

Even though you are 'hiding behind a screen' being able to put done in words here is a positive step and a safe way to deal with what's happened.  We have strong ethical values and your well being is just as important as ours.

[lisamarretta]

Thank you... rubbish day today feeling very low. I’ve managed  a shower and now I’m just sat on the sofa with some junk food watching crappy movies 😄 always used to make me feel better before! It’s nice to know I’m not so alone xx

[Amanda_George]

You're doing better than me with the shower and crappy films - I haven't had a shower since I got my hair cut a couple of weeks ago and my last bath was last weekish, so you should feel proud of yourself, especially considering what you go through every time you have one!!

As for the junk food, I reckon you should enjoy every mouthful... a bit of what you fancy does you good, after all!

[Pip]

It doesn't hurt to eat junk food and watching movies, look at it from the angle that you've had a shower, you've eaten and watched movies even if they are crappy.  You are functioning and done something because you chose to.

Sending cyber hugs 

[lisamarretta]

Finally had a positive GP appointment this morning 😀 I don’t have to go back for a whole six weeks! Which is huge as I’ve had to go every fortnight since my overdose... also I haven’t vomited for a week! 😄 I know I’m far from better but I like getting these little victories and they certainly put a little sting in my step! I’ve had a shower today, washed my hair, walked the dog and been to my dr! 😊

[Amanda_George]

Finally had a positive GP appointment this morning 😀 I don’t have to go back for a whole six weeks! Which is huge as I’ve had to go every fortnight since my overdose... also I haven’t vomited for a week! 😄 I know I’m far from better but I like getting these little victories and they certainly put a little sting in my step! I’ve had a shower today, washed my hair, walked the dog and been to my dr! 😊

That's awesome, Lisa!     I'm so proud of you for everything you've achieved since you've been with us on this forum!    I know only too well how hard those appointments can be, especially after everything you've been through.  Was it a different GP to normal this morning or were they just in a more supportive mood?  You can keep going now... there will be hard times and flashbacks, but you can get through them with our support... if I could get through them then so can you!   

[lisamarretta]

no it was my usual GP I just had positive things to tell him 😊 like I’m getting a hold on my eating issue and Im developing more healthy coping mechanisms 😀

[Amanda_George]

So proud of you, Lisa!  How about starting a positivity notebook where you write down all the positive things that happen and make it a goal to write at least one positive thing each day.  They can be as big or small as necessary, but there has to be at least one positive thing a day.  More if possible, but you'll be able to look back at the end of every week and see that the week had some good points in every day.  I do that with my walking the pup... there's a spreadsheet on my phone that I update every morning after we come home and I've got a fitness tracker around my ankle so I update the percentage we walked (450% this morning) every morning and the number of steps just before I get into bed, then I email the spreadsheet to myself ready to upload to my site on a Monday morning.

2350% extra in five days this week so far and I'm aiming for 3000% by the time we come back on Sunday.  It gives me something to aim for and be proud of as well as motivating me the next week. 

It doesn't have to be a lot, brushing your hair is something you can put in there, as is brushing your teeth, if you walk anywhere that's another positive to add to your daily diary.  They don't have to be huge things, just something you feel proud of every day.  18 months ago, the aim was 100% a day but I've slowly increased it to at least 400% a day now and my daily reward is to post to Facebook the nights that I walk at least 1250 steps a day, which is up from 1000 steps when I first got the fitness tracker at the end of December.

Find something that challenges you but make sure you treat yourself when you achieve it.  Maybe start a blog and post in there about your achievements?  There's a tutorial for how to start one on my homepage if you're not sure how to do it?  Just click on the globe to the right of this message, under my profile pic and follow the image to "Amanda's Website" at the top, then the last link in the navigation is a tutorial on how to start one.  All you need is an email address 'cos it's totally free!  That could be your positivity diary to show your GP.  The link above that one shows you how to create your very first website from scratch which is, again, totally free and you only need an email address for that too.

I suggest doing them on different days so that you've got two things to add to your positivity diary straight away then every day that you post in your blog is another positivity thing for you.  They don't have to be huge posts if you don't want them to be... I started off with a couple of sentences in each post then published them.  I now usually publish one post a day unless it's a review or something that I'm especially proud of.

Take it at your own pace and don't be afraid to ask questions if there's something you're not sure about!

[Pip]

It's great news that you have progressed forward in a positive way