Hi
Am new to the forum but not to depression - I first had a nervous breakdown at university in 1998 due to being bullied and couldn't leave my flat for six weeks. Had a very sympathetic tutor who saved me from flunking my course completely and counselled me back to health (alongside Fluoxetine). I had another in 2006 due to a demanding job and having moved to a new area. Again couldn't leave the house for six weeks and my meds were changed and increased and after a change of career, things were stable again. I even managed to wean off of medication for a while.
The next time depression visited me was a year after my daughter was born and was put down to Postnatal Depression. Again meds were introduced (not Fluoxetine cos was now practically immune to it). I researched PND to a huge extent, joined forums and made internet friends all over the country. Stayed on meds until my second baby appeared. They changed my meds while pregnant to very low Fluoxetine and I was closely monitored throughout. Baby and I had to stay in hospital for 72 hours once he was born to check him for withdrawal symptoms and I wasn't allowed to breastfeed. He was absolutely fine and once I was back on my feet they changed me back to Citalopram.
When he was about a year old and my daughter was four she was diagnosed with Epilepsy, Autism and Severe Learning Difficulties. I started getting unbelievably angry and everyone and everything - just couldn't handle it. On the outside I got on with life and threw myself into getting all the help possible for my daughter as well as bringing up my son at same time. My husband got the brunt of my anger and it was when it got physical (on my part) that we sought help. Went back to docs and they put me on another meds (can't remember the name now) which helps you sleep and calms the anger. Also started counselling. NEITHER worked. Still angry, still frustrated and still depressed. Sleeping very well but walked around like a zombie for most of the time. All came to a head when a fight broke out at home, I walked out, considered standing in the middle of the road, came to and ran to the doctors in uncontrolled tears. Just sat there until someone saw me. Cried in the waiting room for two hours. Doctor took one look at me, listened to my burbled story and let me call home so they knew I was safe. He withdrew the sleepy meds, gave me diazepam for a few days and put me back on Citalopram. I was dubious but went with it cos was exhausted. Within two days on Citalopram I was calmer again and didn't need Diaz. Have been on it ever since.
I started looking around depression forums becuase am guessing now my son is three my illness is depression now not postatal depression! The docs have started talking about reducing my meds now. Things are calmer at home, my daughter is in a wonderful school and so much better behaved and my son has started pre school. I work part time in a job I love so I guess they think it is time to try.
As much as I don't want to be on meds forever I am petrified about coming off them. We were recently all ill with bugs and didn't leave the house for weeks which caused a blip for me and I could feel old feelings and anxities coming back so am I really ready or was that just a one off? What happens if I am not on meds and something like that happens again - how would I pull myself out of it? These are just a couple of things that concern me.....
Anyways I have gone on a bit so will stop now! Nice to write it all down though _)_
xx
