Hello

[Grinch78]

Hi all,

First forum I ever joined but could do with a diary that gives me a response. Thought this might help. I have suffered on and off with depression all my life. Had a break down at 23 years old and teeter on the edge recently to falling into the pit again.
I live with my 6 yr old daughter and my boyfriend of 4 yrs.  I left her dad when she was 2 as he was working away all week then drinking and taking drugs every weekend in our home.  It wasn't a decision I took lightly. I never wanted my daughter to have a broken family like I did and I thought we were for ever.

I had the wicked step mother, have been sexually assaulted as a child, my mother was raped in our home and went on to have one night stands with guys from chat lines!

My breakdown was at work when I worked as a nursery nurse.  In front of colleagues and children.  When I was in that place I would run away at night and hide in the wood, curl up in a duvet and not come out, go where ever I could to feel safe and have nothing around me.

I'm telling you this so you have some understanding of who I am.

At the moment I am bouncing from just about ok to putting on the best act of being ok I can manage.  But I'm not ok. I,m going through the motions and constantly thinking "I don't want to do this" " I don't want to be here" "I don't want to talk to you"

My boyfriend doesn't understand depression.  I've given him literature and talked to him. I think it scares him.
I love my daughter more than life itself, literally. And she has no idea how many times her existence has saved my life.

I have had counselling galore. Been on medication most of my adult life.  I am currently in the process of withdrawing because I saw a Christmas photo I didn't like.  The tablets have made me gain around 2 stone over 2 years. I have always had issues with my weight and was bulimic as a teenager and young adult. 

I don't see my dad because he is under thumb and still lives with the wicked step mother.  I don't see my mum because .......... I don't know. I didn't live with her growing up so she has never felt like my mother. I have lived with her twice for a year or so each time. She isn't like a mother. I feel ambivalent towards her but at the same time I call her mum and reply to her texts because I don't want to hurt her feelings.

I'm babbling. I have discussed all of this so much, I don't feel anything about it any more.  I just feel numb.  That's part of the problem. I get very little enjoyment out of anything.

Please tell me you know what I mean. X

[Michael Frankum]

Hi Grinch.  +-_ There are a lot of people on this site who will be able to sympathise and understand what you are going through. I have had a lot of support and caring from the people on the site, and I'm sure that you will find the same support. You have obviously suffered a great deal. This is a safe place to post about your feelings and thoughts without ever having to worry about being judged. Best wishes. Michael.

[Grinch78]

Thank you Michael. I struggle to say I have suffered because there is always somebody else been through so much more. I get frustrated and angry at myself for being the way I am. I feel like I'm a burden and a bore. Which is weird because nobody knows the true extent to how I'm feeling and at work you wouldn't know. I laugh with the girls and get on with it. I just need re-wiring :-)

X

[Michael Frankum]

I've posted very similar sentiments here, and people were quick to point out that I shouldn't be trying to work out a top-ten position of suffering. The point is that you have truly suffered, and you must focus on what YOU need to recover. You are the important one here. As I said, this is a great place to post about your feelings without fear of being judged, and you can get support and understanding. You aren't a burden or a bore. You are suffering a very real condition, and you are trying your best not to feel like this. People who haven't actually suffered from depression often feel that it's just a matter of having got out of bed the wrong side. People who HAVE suffered know that it's not that easy. I promise that the others here will know what you mean. They won't necessarily have gone through what you have experienced, but they have all suffered the tortures of depression. Michael.

[Grinch78]

Thank you Michael. I can't quite believe the impact that response has had on me. Relieved I think is the best way to describe it. And if anything it has made me ease up on myself. Thank you.

[Buttercup]

Hi well done for joining. We're a friendly bunch and I very much hope that you will find the forum helpful. Xxx

[Pip]

Lots of  *() , must admit counselling never really helped me simply because one counsellor who was supposed to be an adoption (trained) counsellor didn't know how to deal with me.  I was going through an angry stage so she made me feel frustrated as she didn't know what to say to me.  She admitted she got more out me talking about where I went for support (adoption related forums)  "!+ .  Since then I have done family counselling which didn't work as my son is so deep in denial about his adoption issues.  Then in Dec 2011 I was really low so the crisis team were involved and the best they could do to help was got me onto CBT which has helped.  I know exactly why I am depressed but those who have played a part in it don't accept they had anything to do with it.  I always wanted an apology off my mum but died believing she was in the right and I was in the wrong.

You have come to a good place to get support  %^%

[Sweetpea]

Hello and welcome  +-_.

S x x x x

[Grinch78]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for your welcome.
Pip, sounds like you have been through the mill :-(
I won't pretend I know anything about adoption, because I don't. I know my mother moved away with my brother and left me with a step mother from a story. I too wanted an apology, or at the very least some recognition. She used to put me in cold baths for wetting the bed, which generally happened after I had been sent to visit someone they said was my mum. My step mum would call me names and ridicule me in front of my sisters. She would tell me I was fat and would be a slag like my mother and my step sisters would get a positive reaction for repeating it.

I recently wrote to her. Told her about a baby who grew up with a woman she thought of as her mother and felt like a traitor when she was sent to another woman labelled as her mother. I loved my step mum. I told her so. But I also told her that I'm a fantastic mother. Thanks to her teaching me how not to be one. I will never get a apology, but I don't need one now.  That letter gave it all back to the rightful owner.  I have carried it around for 35 yrs.  it has broken me but I have built myself back up. I'm not 100% but who is. 

You don't need an apology pip. You don't need someone to clarify that what happened to you happened, because you already know. Don't carry around other people responsibilities.  You were a child.  (( big hugs)) xxx

[Pip]

Grinch ~ if you go onto the Adoption / Foster Care related depression you will see see the threads relating to my story under the username 'Ezel'.  I was going through a bad patch and wanted to leave the forums then pulled my socks up and re-registered.