Pent up frustration

[craig84]

yeah I remember those times, im extremely logical too and rationalise the always crying as a sign that you just cant hold things in anymore and you want help. ive been in tears and cried out "why is this happening to me" before now.

oh dear which one was that then, gotta be brave to do that job I wouldn't do it lol

yeah I do that's why im grateful for this place ! the people who would support me live to far away.

some experience yeah lol when you bring everything into account with me its no wonder Ive done stupid things before.
was definitely a matter of favouritism and ive said all this to my dad before, I studied the reasons why I am the way I am and I had the balls to tell my old man what I thought, he was just angry that I contradicted his parenting. he didn't acknowledge what I was saying.  nowadays I know Im better off getting rid but every so often ill speak to him and quickly remember why I don't speak to him. his so condescending !
im sorry too if your dads the same I know what its like.

my first counsellor was really good in the way she explained things cos I was really nervous when I first went in but I still opened up. she told me that it would feel worse before it felt better and thered be times I hated her for challenging me but you need to go through it to understand things and I think when you do understand them its easier to let go.

hows the diet going still counting your calories? are you noticing anything with your meds as yet?

[FluffySeal]

yeah my mum has always told me that crying is a safety valve; that you need to let it out or else you will snap in the future. My sister never cries and completely snapped a couple of years back because of all her pent up problems. It was a disaster to witness..

Uh that was the oldest one, Kevin, the one I met for maybe a minute; he signed m CD. Lovely & kind man but extremely tall, he had to crouch down to speak to me 

Same i'm glad this is available because I actually do not have any friends. If I still kept my school friends they wouldn't know how to cope with me anyway. Kind of sucks not having friends but at the same time I kind of like it because i dont need to commit myself to a lot of people and there's less people who can hurt me.

Wow I applaud you for having the guts; did it feel better letting it out? I'm too scared to tell my dad how I feel. I have so many years worth I'd like to say to him but i'm too scared to ever do it. I don't get why they dont like accept something and apologise; theres always got to be an excuse for it or something.

Hmm.. i'm considering trying to get one, i think i just had a bad experience because I was about 14 so they were allowed to contact my mum as I was under 18. Sounds like you did have a nice counsellor, I hope I can get a decent one.

Ah the diet... i got lost because my mum threw some food packets away so I couldn't count for half the day. I'd say yesterday and today i've hit between 500-1000. Not as good as the first day but I'm still feeling ill so I cant force myself to eat as much.

I actually havn't started taking the fluoxetine or whatever it is yet; how can i say it in a non gross way... my tummy is not exactly agreeing with me at the moment; gut ache.. i think i still have some bad bacteria in there so it would be kind of pointless taking medication if it will be out of my system again within 2 hours lol.

I'm also nervous about taking them again because I am so scared of breaking out into rashes again. I'm already feeling down as it is, if i get an outbreak like last time I will be at rock bottom yet again.
The doctor doesn't really care and just stuck me with tablets again. He said if i get any problems he will just change them AGAIN.
Its not as easy at that though; until you get an appointment you have to sit there and endure the itching for days. They make you buy cream from the pharmacy and it doesnt help the itching much. At one point my skin was so blistered and i was red raw that I just sat in the corner of the room and cried because I was so stressed out and also couldn't sleep well because I would wake up extremely itchy ever couple of hours.
Bad times ;(
I think I will only go on them when my stomach settles down and if I really feel like there is no other way.

[craig84]

yeah don't rush taking them until your ready and if they made you flair up in a rash as bad as you said I wouldn't take them at all !

fluoxetine gave me the poo's, theres no nice way of sayin it lol
heres what my new ones say in the massive leaflet. Paroxetine
used for:
depression
ocd
panic disorder with or without agoraphobia ( fear of leaving house or being in public places going to the shops)
social phobia
generalized anxiety disorder
post traumatic stress disorder.

so if you think you have any of them ask your doctor if they can suggest any other pills if you don't want to take the ones your on, I rate the ones im on though. they seem to work for me, I might take a job I feel that good atm but I cant get complacent and crash. don't want that to happen.

yeah if your dad flips easily I wouldn't confront him id rather be safe than sorry.. it did and didn't help me confrfonting my dad. Im content with myself for doing it but I didn't get any pay off for doing it. didn't get the answers I wanted. id say be very careful and think a lot about it, if you know your dad well enough you know weather it can be done or not. don't put yourself at risk though!

I prefer keeping to myself tbh.. im so up and down I can go months without speaking to people.
well u have a friend here now  :p

are you short then ? do you find a lot of people tall? my sister Carla is only 5"0 I call her pingu cos she has a phat arse and she waddles pmsl

my mum says the same. whenever im struggling she always tells me to cry and let it out lol I get teary but I don't cry anymore, I used to cry over the smallest things but im quite a sensitive type anyway lol

[FluffySeal]

I think I have been put on fluoxetine twice and citalopram once. I just read the prescription sheet i'm supposed to hand over to buy my prescription and yep he gave me fluoxetine again :/

I may think about mentioning that one if i go back to a doctor about it; i may even change surgeries yet because I am not liking the place I go to.
I will probably request for a female doctor even though one is only in once a week and has like at least a weeks waiting time.

I'm sort of worried about getting work again because I worry I will get really down like last time and could quit.
Yeah I wouldn't do it unless my mum or someone else is around. However sometimes i think of it that if i had let him hit me, my mum probably would have forcefully remove him from the house and then we would all be free of him. There's always going to be 'what if's'

Good im not the only one; sometimes i find it too much effort to talk to people. The more people you know, the more effort you have to make. Generally the people I used to be friends with always talked about themselves and never really asked me how I was. I wasn't allowed to feel negative around them; always had to fake being happy and thats one thing I always have to do around my boyfriends family. Some days I can hide it well but some days I can't because I feel like im lying to myself about my feelings and sometimes I just want to tell everyone to leave me alone; im having a bad day; dont want to socialise.. but I can't just say it.

I am sensitive too lol. but i think im too sensitive that its unhealthy.
I do have a bit of an anxiety problem and sometimes when too many people are around me i panic inside and need to get out of the room.. can't really explain it but its happening more regularly now. I hate going out a lot of the time, i'm a little cave person hiding behind a computer half of the day... actually most of the day :')

LOL Pingu! ahh i loved watching Pingu back in the day haha. Well i'm 5ft 2; I see year 7 kids taller than me, its embarrassing but nothing I can do about that.

[craig84]

yeah good shout, the half decent gp I had at my old surgery retired and everyone I had after him were rubbish so I moved gp and haven't got any complaints so far. well the surgery was a bit sweaty and hot but that's all really definitely worth it if your not getting what you want.

id say take your time getting back into work if your that worried about it, one thing ive learnt though, is sometimes throwing yourself in the deep end can help, sometimes being depressed we worry too much about things that may not be real, scare ourselves out of doing things but sometimes it could be the best thing for you. obviously you've felt a bit anxious and scared before going to an interview and after it walked out and thought to yourself that it wasn't that bad after all.. same kinda thing but you know your limits! if you don't think you can handle it don't do it. only when your ready!

that's one of the hardest things when people don't understand what your going through and you have to hide things and put on a façade that everythings fine when its not. I remember being so bad I couldn't even hide things it was so obvious I was depressed I found joy in nothing. eventually you learn that you have to enjoy everything you can on good days and on bad days remember that you can experience some good even though that feels impossible at the time.

I really hope you find a doctor who is helpful and you find the right meds to take the edge off. At least you have a supportive boyfriend and people here to support you I think being alone makes things worse when your depressed.

the paroxetine im taking have helped so far I know Ive said it before but it helps with my anxiety a lot! what works for one person may not work for another but ifyou were to ask about them and get prescribed them I really hope they help much as they help me!!

get a lead and take ur cat for a walk :p yeah pingu confused me lol spoke really weird but cute as :)
being sensitive definitely sucks, especially being a bloke its not macho in the slightest but its something that makes me who I am so I don't mind it really, id rather be in touch with my emotions than act like im immortal. im only short too 5"7 and still worry I don't have my id when buying drink or cigarettes lol still get asked sometimes and im 28...
I really don't feel 28 though, hate getting old thought id be a lot further in life by now

[Pip]

Decent GPs are like gold dust.  Several months ago I saw a locum as I had a lump about 1 1/2 inches above my right leg and he just put it down to a rash as I was suffering with that and itchy skin as well.  A few days later my skin was really sore there so I looked in a mirror and there was an open wound which was leaking.  I was able to see a nurse practitioner who took one look at it and told me it was an abcess     

[FluffySeal]

I think I have been out of work since mid march.
As soon as I quit, I had some people from my boyfriends dads side of the family (i dont live with that side of the family) saying stuff like im a complete idiot leaving with a stable job etc. It was not nice to hear.
I feel like the day I left, i've been constantly asked if I am looking for work and I feel extremely pressured.
I have to pay rent at my boyfriends even though I don't work. He pays £40. I pay £10 now; I was on £20 until the other week.
If he didn't pay my extra tenner; I dont think i would be allowed to stay there. Which does sort of hurt because money seems more important to them than my health or anything. Only his mum knows I suffer from depression but all she has said really is that I cant stay in bed all day and that she thinks moving out will be best for us. I don't feel properly supported there; I feel like im expected to make ends meet but I struggle mentally. Just don't think they get it!

Yeah I get too comfortable and get scared to test myself.. I actually have an interview for an apprenticeship on the 15th for Heathrow airport.. it seems I passed the telephone interview which I did not think I had done well in. I'm going to be absolutely petrified! Its like a 4 hour course and you get a group assessment. I am so nervous around other people I hate being in groups..

Yeah hes okay at being sort of supportive now but its been a long struggle trying to get him to understand. He asked if me not getting out of bed was laziness; as he didnt really believe i had depression. It wasnt until I shoved my latest prescription in his face that he finally believed it and that I need help because I have been described with anti depressants around 4 times now.
It must be hard for him because I mean we are both 21; i dont think he ever imagined himself going out with someone with this kind of problem. It has been extremely difficult for me being with someone who has took so long to understand and accept, because I have felt alone this whole time.

That may be one to look at as I do get awful anxiety..
Yeah I hate guys who think its not manly to cry or show emotions. When I talk to a guy I want to know that he is actually human and not a programmed robot that cant care for anything because it would ruin his ego or reputation.
Ah i've seen guys shorter; 5'7 isnt too short but I know what its like not being the kind of height you would want to be.
I cant even buy a lottery ticket; and you have to be 16 for one. I had to claim one once and I had to go home and bring my birth certificate to the shop.. they gave me the money but told me they still didnt really believe me :/
Im supposed to be 21 but I seem to pass off as 15 to people. Some people insult me so I do find it very upsetting.
You arn't the only one.. my sister is actually 27 and has not moved on. Still lives with my mum.. plays computer and video games most the day. Thats her life.


Oh wow Pip thats just shocking.. I cant believe he couldnt tell the difference between that and a rash. Its ridiculous how they never prevent things; we have to wait until things get really bad until we are treated :/
I hope it is all okay now

[craig84]

its not nice to hear things like that when your going through it, it doesn't seem like that side of the family are supportive or understanding at all, with how its different at home for you is there a chance of staying there for a while? I know how hard it is going through depression and being in an environment which seems to make things worse!
the walls were thin in my house and I could hear everything people were saying about me. hated it.

that's good what is the apprenticeship for ? I do still get nervous about things like that. even with all the experience I have going for interviews when the symptoms of depression kick in it can make the simplest thing so terrifying! there been other times im so confident I haven't got jobs because the companies didn't think they could hold me. is this something you really really want, would you be devastated if you didn't try ? id like to give the advice that you should at least try so you cant tell yourself you didnt give it a go. you never know you could buddy up with someone who is supportive or the staff could be really helpful. its easy to say go into it with a positive outlook but doing it is the real test. its probably going to be hard whatever you decide to do just don't let it be the be all and end all of things.... you can always try later in life when you are feeling up to it!

at least he is trying, some would be too selfish to even do that, ive always said if there isn't respect, trust, communication, understanding and honesty in a relationship things rarely work. its easy for people to judge when they don't understand, some people point blank refuse to understand like my dad.... my ex also knew I had suffered with depression but when it came back she wasn't prepared to support me. im used to going through this alone and as much as I hate it... Its definitely made me stronger. I wish sometimes I had a partner to cuddle upto when low, my dogs hair keeps getting in my mouth when I  cuddle him,  and he smells lol

do you tell yourself youll look 20 when your 40 to make yourself feel better like I do too :p

[craig84]

pip my brother had one of those on his face it was awful it swelled up something rotten he looked like quazimoto from the hunchback of notre dame :p is it all healed up now?

[Pip]

It took a few weeks to heal as the abcess was quite big by the time it started leaking.  There were two open wounds the size of my little finger nail.  It was very painfully for about a week as well. The nurse was annoyed with the locum.  I haven't seen him since thankfully and every time I see a nurse or doctor it's always one I trust.

I must admit I suffered in silence as my family appear normal but are dysfunctional behind closed doors.  Even my husband didn't know when we first married as I had plenty of practise of hiding it.  When he found out he found it hard to deal with as he suffers with depression as well and I was 'the strong one'.  Just him knowing helped as I could finally be honest.  We've muddled through when we are at worst at the same time though. 

[craig84]

at least your clear of it now it was pretty gruesome when my bro had it. was something out of a horror film.

feel the same about my family pip with them seeming normal and reputable but behind closed doors its anything but!

[FluffySeal]

well his dads side doesnt know, have only seem them a few times over the past 2 and a half years. They arnt the type who would understand though, i can just tell.

The apprenticeship is some type of business admin. You get paid less on them than a typical job but I'm always getting turned down for jobs because I only have 5 months experience.
But then for some apprenticeships im over qualified and they reject me. cant win!

i dont think i would be devestated but i will wonder if i didnt go like could there have been the chance of getting it. I may go to it from my house as its an  hour and a half train journey whereas from essex its about 2 hr 10. If i get it i would totally try and move nearer.

haha i can relate with my cat. I've been giving her cuddles every day and when she jumps off me, i happen to be wearing white; so my clothes just turn black with all her fur. She wipes her head all over my face so I have to spend the next 10 mins picking off fur stuck to my face, up my nose and in my mouth 


I agree with the family thing. Everyone, even my grandparents, though we were all ok with eachother for years. they know a little about things now but there's still so much they dont know. Everyone outside the house thinks my dad is a pleasant, caring, kind man but he is anything but that.

[craig84]

sounds a shame about his dads side, as if things aren't hard enough without being judged and not supported.

I was thinkin of doing an apprenticeship because im not really qualified in anything but I couldn't take one because of the pay, theres no way I could afford to be independent doing an apprenticeship. I hope you give it a go anyway.


 

[FluffySeal]

His dads side were just all annoying and loud mouthed in general, always fighting at christmas parties etc.
Yeah after the age of 24 you gotta fund it yourself, can be anywhere from 3,000 to 15,000

I have been job centre 3 times and today they send me a letter saying they will not pay me job seekers. They said based on 5th april 2011 to 2012 that its based on. I wasnt even working then.

I wasnt even working then! I was just finishing college april 2011.
I may ring them asking why on monday
The government are too busy paying out money for foreigners who havnt earnt their time in the uk, or paying housing and child benefit to those with 5 kids plus. I dont want a fortune from them, i just need help to pay my rent at this house and to pay for interviews but i dont even get that!
I am now royally peeved off and upset. When jsa cant give you money, who else can you turn to ?

[craig84]

you've got to try and appeal their decision, I don't understand why they wouldn't pay you unless its because you were at college?? I know they wont pay you if you are a student but even so your not one now? I hate the system we live in its wrong on so many levels.

hopefully you have a good case to appeal !