SI how do i explain scars, possibly triggering

[cornish]

Not 100% sure. But i will find a way, even if it means causing frostbite and then haveing to go to A&E and get them removed. Working on and in giant freezers makes this pretty easy
 It's very hard for me convey my feelings on this and to me it's like not being able to explain to a non sufferer of depression, same principal with this, there is no way you would be able to understand my feelings on this.

[Lol]

I can understand your description of your feelings on this and your desperation. It's not the wanting to do it that sounds odd its the actual practicalities of doing it by yourself 1 handed.

[Zaf]

lol is right cornish,  I can appreciate your desperation to lose the fingers but it really concerns me you are thinking of doing it yourself.

[cornish]

It concerns and scares me too.

My biggest worry is not being able to work afterwards and making a mess.

[Zaf]

thats definitely a big consideration, if something did go wrong and you couldnt work again I'm sure you'd end up in a worse place mentally as from what youve said work is the only thing that keeps you going at the moment.

[cornish]

did a fairly bad bit of si today, really didn't enjoy work at all and considered quitting, im starting to become useless at work, im slowly getting slower and slower and my concentration is far from good, there probably better off without me.
fairly soon i need to build a fairly complex control panel and i really used to enjoy that, now im basically crapping my self about it

[Lol]

That's very difficult for you Cornish. It is unusual for you to be unable to do these things like you have in the past.

Lately you have pushed yourself to have weekends off against your will, and I wonder if this has contributed to this feeling?

[Zaf]

It concerns me to hear you're thinking of quitting work, up till now it seems to be the main thing thats kept you going

[cornish]

there are a lot of things i cant do at all any more and so many things seem to get harder and i am getting slower every day, work is definitely the only thing keeping me going but im starting to feel like a burden and like im not earning my way, i haven't enjoyed it for a long time now and i really used to enjoy my job, for a long time now ive struggled to go in the morning and now its getting harder and harder and i basically hate it now. i only do it because i HAVE to and its a distraction

[Lol]

Cornish is it your actual job that you don't like though or the feeling of working whilst feeling so wrong in yourself? When is your next appointment with your phsyc? you must tell her and see if there is anything they can add in which would help in any way.

Do you want to say what your si was today?

Is there anything else you would like to get off your chest?

[Depina]

Hi Cornish
Just to say I am thinking of you and just so wished I had the answer. Just please take care.
Hugs
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX &*(

[cornish]

the appointment was today but i didn't really express my self about work, i was a bit selective about what i said due to paranoia.   im slowly opening up more and more to her but im still now in a position to say everything to her and im still not opening up fully here either.   she is very concerned by the si and the causes of it as my case is a bit more complicated than normal, she's already doubled the number of sessions that i will have as a minimum
i did admit to her that im just trying to get it over and done with as i either want to get better or i just want to be left alone to die    but after that we did make a bit of progress with the P.T.S.D.

not something that i would want to talk about here as the only way to describe it would be rather graphic and possibly disturbing

got another appointment tomorrow with another specialist in medication, makes 4 this week

[Zaf]

It does sound like progress cornish even if you think you're think you're not opening up as much as you should, I can understand you wanting to make quick progress, at least it seems the various medics are doing a good deal to help and hopefully they'll find some way of giving you positive and lasting help xx

[cornish]

its the phycologist sorting everything out, she's wonderful and really cares and is extremely worried but i still confuse her which really worried me, she says that i dont show some of the symptoms i should and i show symptoms that make no sense
she's concentrating on the P.T.S.D. first

[Zaf]

Try to think positive,  this lady will do everything in her power to help even if she doesnt understand your situation completely, its really great to find someone like that and, from my experience, that helps an enormous amount