Depression Forums
Other Depression & Anxiety Related Illneses => Personality Disorders => Topic started by: cornish on July 28, 2011, 07:08:16 AM
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right first of all i really despise lying and if i have to i feel really bad but last night i was asked what all the scars on my upper arms were. now as i said i hate lying but didn't want to tell the truth as i had a huge gaping wound on my hand after an "accident" with a grinder. but i just made up a crappy story about catching my arm on a bit of sharp metal at work.
what im trying to get at is i hate to lie but im really afraid to tell anyone about my si, i cant comprehend how they will react and what they will do. anyone have any advice on how to deal with this??
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I'm not sure I can really answer you but I also have scars and have been asked about them before. I used to burn myself on my wrists so it's quite hard to hide, especially when I have a tan as they stay pure white. I've always judged on the correct answer for me on a person by person scale. There have been people I trust completely with the answer and so I'm truthful with them. Some of those people I use humour with at the end of telling them, it can soften the blow and means they don't have to try and find something serious to say to me. "It was before I discovered chocolate was an easier way to cheer up!" something like that.
Some people I say something like "They're from when I was a depressed teenager" so that they get the idea without too much detail. I'm lucky that I've found more socially acceptable ways to self harm that people either can't see or won't question, my scars are old and so people don't react so much about them.
With work people or acquaintances I lie. I say it was an accident with hot oil. It's pretty obvious that's a lie due to the layout of the scars on my wrists, but I've never met a person willing to challenge me on that explanation and it limits any gossip.
I lie to some people for their sake and for mine. I'm not ashamed to lie, many people can't deal with others self harming as it's such an alien concept to them. I've had people lecture me or say "I bet you feel silly about it now" when I've told them the truth so I've learnt to lie to some people to avoid that. Also avoids any gossip at work that might get back to management who would then would feel the need to have a meeting about it. It's not fun to lie but sometimes it's self preservation.
Many hugs Cornish, it's a horrible situation and we're here for you.
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ive sort of learnt to do that but when there blatently obviously si and on my hands thats what really worries me, most of my si is now on my upper arms/ ribs and legs now so i can hide it but my left hand, especially the numb areas from nerve damage is pretty bad and really bothers me as people see it a lot
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i dont think that really made much sense did it ::)
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What are you specifically worried about? That people will see and judge you? Possibly say something to other people? Or that people will ask you about them? Or all of the above? :)
People might judge you. But then people judge other people about the shoes they're wearing so there's not much anybody can do about that. If work colleagues talk to others about it then they can get in very serious trouble, I've been through that even though I'm was completely unaware of it at the time.
Hugs again!
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all of the above but mainly being asked :(
im pretty much 99% sure a few of them at work talk behind my back but i do know that 2/3 (not sure if i trust one of them but i have no reason not to) of them are pretty supportive and defensive of me
thanks, i appreciate it :)
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People will talk, we love to gossip unfortunately :( Have it set in your head what your answer will be if anybody asks so you're less likely to panic and say something you don't want to. The scars are nothing to be ashamed off, technically they're battle scars. Just the battle's with yourself and you're winning still.
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hmmm yeah your right, not really sure if i should comment on the main one that worries me, well its more of a group and ive had comments on it from a few people, i just said it was an accident, 2 people have asked, one at work thats supportive and i just lied n said it was an accident, i know he didn't believe me but his response was : ok well just be careful and keep it clean m8. said it was an accident to on of the idiots at work and im not going to repeat what he said.
thinking about it im sure i have talked briefly about what i wasn't going to comment on, what started all of my illnesses also did some nerve damage and part of my left hand and the small and the finger next to it are numb, some times it gets worse. it annoys the crap out of me and is a trigger than i cant get away from, i meticulously plan out how to remove them daily and have a "dotted cut here type line" thats scarred into my hand, lots of very deep cuts around the area and a very obvious attempt to remove my small finger. thats the fairly fresh wound that really bothers me :(
cut here line is like this
(http://static2.bigstockphoto.com/thumbs/1/0/6/large2/6018321.jpg)
but without the scissors :P
but with my sense of humor i was tempted to get them tattooed on. im being told to do it but the more normal voice that i see as the old me is saying NO, it will draw more attention
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I can really understand wanting to be rid of or punish a part of you that niggles you like that, but then of course injuring or removing the offending part is going to make it even more obvious there is a problem with it.
I dont know the answer to be truthful, a friend of mine that SI could sometimes stop herself by putting her hands in a bowl of ice cubes but not sure if that would help?
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never thought of it being more obvious but well it is very obvious but it just feels like my only option
ive tried all the tricks, ice, rubber bands, pinching and a few others nothing seems to work :(
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Yeah the classic way they suggest to stop SI is an elastic band round your wrist to ping. I've never tried it myself though. I think I stopped my burning when I got my lip pierced for the second time, it gave me something else to focus on. I do SI in more hidden ways though with my toes, currently plucking leg hairs seems to help as it's pain without being too damaging. I think a coping technique has to be quite personal as the SI can vary greatly between people.
The tattoo would draw attention to your tattoo though not the scar, and it's a bit of humour to help! I think if I saw a scar like that I'd think you got into a fight with barbed wire and lost. For most people SI won't even enter their heads, a scary amount of people have never even heard of SI.
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i have a bold patch on each leg about 6 inches above my knees there about the size of my palms and it does help a bit. i haven't really found my technique yet :(
that doesn't really make me feel andy better as to me its fairly obvious that its lines and cuts that couldn't be accidental.
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Is there anybody you can trust enough to talk to about your scars? We can reassure you on here but I think as we can't really see them it's hard to believe us. Scars fade with time and people will accept them as part of you. New scars do draw attention but it won't all be negative.
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i only really speak on here and to one person on facebook and she's stopped responding now :( i have talked to her in the past as she understands a bit.
some of my si scars have faded but a few of the really deep wounds have become atrophic, basically indent type scars its strange for me as i normally get hypertrophic scars as most of the accidents ive had have almost always ended up raised and obvious :(
ive always had a fear of hospitals/ doctors and the like so have a bit of an obsession with first aid (ive even done stitches with dental floss before) and knowing how the body works, but its probably not good when i feel like suicide daily :(
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Acknowledging all this is a sign of control. It sounds like you are saying that despite your best efforts your colleagues still know what they are. I think their asking you about it might be a way of telling you not that it's ok, but that they understand. They're frightened by it, but they want you to know that they are aware of it and they are accepting it to a degree. Their request for you to keep it clean shows this also. They are concerned, but I think they understand it is part of you and also that you are managing it.
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mother just noticed my hand n went a bit mental at me, thats pretty much confirmed what i though, its obvious that its si.
didn't know what to say say just ignored her, feel bad about that now
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If you told your mum, what do you think she would do or say? Would she be open to reading some literature about it? She may be going mental because she's scared because she doesn't understand. I know she could never actually understand, but having a point of knowledge could help her to feel less afraid. Could you write down how you feel and give it to her explaining that it is difficult for you to talk about it and maybe sit with her whilst she reads it? How much does she know about what you suffer with?
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im fairly sure she knows now, with the way she reacted i dont think im going to even bother talking about any of my illness to her again
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How did she react Cornish? What did she say? Just as her reaction has evoked a reaction in you, you're reaction has done the same in her. Reach out and come together, try not to push apart.
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shes noticed it before but not said anything, ive never opened up about my illnesses to her and dont think i can. especially any more from the way she reacted, she was angry, annoyed and basically called me an idiot. she went out just after that, dunno if she was going out anyway as i very rarely talk to her.
its hurt me and now i dont really care about how my illness and i affect her.
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You are angry that your mum had a negative reaction instead of a caring one of concern. It isn't fair that she didn't understand, and instead insulted you rather than comforted you. You need people to understand and not be as afraid as you are about it.
If you don't care about how it would affect her to have it explained, perhaps now would be the time to tell her all about it?
You are not an idiot. it is very unfair that she called you an idiot. You are coping with more than she could ever know and has ever coped with, you are angry that she can just dismiss somthing so significant in your illness with a flippant insult. It is likely that she was very scared and ran away. It isn't fair that you can't just do the same. You wish that you could just 'go out' and leave it behind. Dismiss it with an insult. You are insulted that she is not facing your difficulties when you have no choice!
She is scared because she doesn't understand. Because she doesn't know.
You are scared because you don't know, your specialists don't know. You are frustrated that after a year no one has explained it to you in a way you can understand and tackle and do somthing about. and to know might be even more scary.
Your mum is scared because after a year no one has explained to her in a way she can understand and tackle and do something about. and to know might be even more scary.
Tell her Cornish. Open her window for her.
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i really dunno if i could tell her, before i felt like i needed to protect her, ive been thought this with my psychologist and she has tried to get me to open up but i just cant seem to do it yet.
dont particularly see any point in it. yeah i know its selfish but now after a weekend of hell im really not in the mood for anything now
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The horrors that you cope with every second of the day are so horrific that you couldn't let anyone know and understand the severity of the situation. You love your mum and know it would be difficult for her to gain this knowledge and would rather not see her react to it. You would feel guilty to see your mum upset by it. You know that nothing she could be imagining would be as bad as what you would have to explain so you would rather she continued in ignorance. You want to protect her. I think the point in opening up might be to create a verbal overspill mechanism that is as purging and relieving as si. You feel selfish for not telling your mum because you can see how difficult it is for her to see something she doesn't understand. If your specialists knew the answer but kept it from you, you would be really frustrated and angry. You feel guilty knowing this but you have been through so much this weekend that you haven't got the energy to tackle it. This week end has really taken it out on you. You are so exhausted by it. It has been really difficult for you. I'm so proud of you.
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yeah i know its really taken it ouf of me and i haven't felt this bad or physically and mentally exhausted as i feel now.
i dont feel like you should be proud all ive done is moan on here and done nothing all weekend.
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To most of the population doing nothing is a dream of a weekend full of abandon and relaxation to be relished and savoured. To you doing nothing it is a marathon of physical and psychological turmoil and a trial of mental and emotional strength. Most people willingly give themselves to the pleasure of doing nothing alone. You are submitting yourself to the tortures of your illness against your will with nothing to distract you for the greater good. People gaze at paint drying pleasantly daydreaming. You have been alone with your thoughts which have been frightening, damaging and seem to you to be of your own persecution. Of course I am proud of you. You are one of the bravest people I have ever known. you have never ever moaned. i don't think anyone is moaning in here. You are expressing how you are feeling about your incredibly difficult illness and how it affects you and others. You are describing your emotions and feelings. You are enabling understanding. I feel I'm right to feel proud.
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Thank you so much for the weekend lol, I really appreciate your support, I feel like I was a bit blunt and rude at times and wish to appoligise for that.
Just had to take a bit of a brake at work to calm and compose my self and take a few diazepam and im relaxing a bit. So Looking back though everything I can see your right. I have a huge amount of admiration for you, your able to help so much even with what your going through.
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That's very touching of you to say Cornish thank you for your kind words. I am glad to give support where I can, you all support me so much. I hadn't noticed once that you had been blunt or rude! There is certainly no need to apologise - I never noticed!
Isn't it good when we can take a break and look back and see that actually some things made sense and we hvae taken a few steps forward as a result. I didn't tell you anything you weren't telling me! You were doing it by opening up and you helped yourself. I was just a pair of virtual ears!
Glad you are relaxing a little today. Today sounds stressful. Can you imagine the party we're going to have when this is over. Thanks goodness for diazepam.
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I was angry and upset yesterday and felt a bit rude and like I was blunt
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Hi Cornish
You don't come across as rude or blunt on here. I think that you are very articulate, I couldn't explain things as well as you do. You also seem a strong person as you have come through so much, and you are still working so hard. If I was your Mum I would be worried but only 'cause she loves you and doesn't want to see you hurting. I know I would do anything for my kids, it is hard to open up to parents, now mine aren't here I wished I had talked to them more about important matters.
+ You have a great sense of humour, thanks for that. ::)
Hugs
XX
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I could tell you were angry and upset Cornish which is why I wanted to support you. You didn't come accross as how you felt so no need to worry. How did your day go today? I hope the labourer behaved better as the day went on and you got your job done on time.
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thanks you two, that makes me feel better :)
nope i left him to do the job that needed doing and told him not to do the other one and the %$*&%^ ignored me and still bloody messed up the job i told him not to do. ive had a word with the boss about him before, i think im going to have to do it again but i dont wanna get him in trouble
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Blimey Cornish get the silly man into trouble if that's what it takes. You must tell the boss again, it's hindering you and you really don't need that right now!! If you tell the boss it's up to him what happens not you. You wont be getting him in to trouble, the boss would. It would give him a boundary he knows he can't push!
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lol is right, you need to tell your boss,
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will try to
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Hi Cornish
Hope things are going better for you
HUGS
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not really just trying to push on through :(
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Sorry Cornish, keep going -the good news is--you are pushing-well done
HUGS XX &*(
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well im pushing and making progress but its making me worse as im pushing my self as hard as possible and in turn making my self worse ::)
the scars are starting to blur into a few big scars, the one on my left ribcage is about the size of the palm of my hand but with a large # on it, my wrists are blending into a single scar with lots of bad ones breaking it up
im pretty much 100% sure that a few of the ones on my left hand in the numb area are going to be permanent and now ive started on my shins.
not really sure if this counts as proper si but ive sort of found hmmm well not a copeing method but just a delay method, i have a tester that chucks out 1000 volts and im using that that give my self a bit of pain, never really satisfies me though :(
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Hi Cornish I think pushing yourself is a great character trait which shows ambition and determination, perfect things to get you through this and makes you such a professional in your work. But you are saying that you have realised you are doing this a bit too much. Part of being so 'professional' is to know your bodys limitations and listen and learn. I think you are doing this. You are so good to be adjusting yourself and acknowledging the harms it causes not to. I think what you are saying though is that you haven't quite got the adjusting bit right yet. You will get there. You are stubborn, but you have a sense of rationality which will save you. You are also willing to listen to advice you trust.
Your si sounds very distressing. I'm glad you have a release mechanism and you are also looking for delay methods which again shows your incredibly vigelant approach to this. I feel that the 1000 volts my be harmful in many ways and would rather you didn't experiment with electricity at all if you can mate, makes me really nervous. You're the electrician though.
Your scars sound real and obvious and I sense that they are a constant reminder to you. I hope they are not too uncomfortable. You worry that they might be permanent in the future, maybe they will be.
I hope you find a balance you are a little more comfortable with this week end. I'll be thinking of you and here if you need to talk. Take care and be careful.
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Hi Cornish
Thinking of you
Take care
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i do listen but ive ignored it all, i got though last weekend JUST and ive just taken this weekend off against all advice, dunno why but just felt like i needed to do it, i know its definitely the wrong thing to do and very distressing and damaging to me in the long run
the 1000 volts is very safe, its an initiation thing for apprentices to get zapped by it and its no more dangerous than static.
i had an appointment this morning with yet another specialist and yet again he was confused by it all and extremely concerned by my si and intricate plans for removing 2 of my fingers and suicide, im right on the borderline but probably just on the bad side, the only reason against taking action and possibly detaining me was due to my need to work, they think if they stopped me then i would go downhill extremely fast. so it turns out my paranoia of being sectioned was right.
well the balance is non existent and its going to be hell again, i dunno why im doing this, im an idiot :(
thanks lol and depina, i appreciate it
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Have you considered just taking one day off at the weekends? I'll be around if you need support and I'm sure everyone else will help as much as they can too.
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I have suggested this on a different thread, but could you do some controlled work on one of your ladrovers today? maybe treat a loandrover project as work for 2 hours, be strict with yourself, then do nothing for 2 hours, then do some more for 2 hours etc etc. Treat it like a strict work schedule, but you are at home doing something you've been meaning to do and can be proud of accomplishing? Maybe then you could get through the week end not entirely 'resting' and watching the clock all the time, accupying yourself instead, but still not being at work. ??
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Love to all, sorry not on much today
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Have you considered just taking one day off at the weekends? I'll be around if you need support and I'm sure everyone else will help as much as they can too.
they did say no more than one day off at a time, but im a stubborn git and i just about made it though last weekend and i WILL do it again.
im regretting it already now
im planning on going to do a bit of work an the landy later and there's a big land rover competition tomorrow that i would love to go and watch
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It would be brilliant if you could go :)
I really do think if this weekend ends up being desperately difficult it might be better just taking one day off until its a bit more bearable (sorry to nag, I'm a woman ;) )
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never managed to go, havent done a thing all day :(
i was told to only take one day off at a time, why the hell didn't i :(
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It's ok Cornish. You did it becuase you had to do it for you. You know now. You don't have to do it again.
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its the second time ive done it though, i should have learnt from last weekend
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be determined next week cornish, just the one day
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You just felt you needed to do it again that's all. No worries. You hadn't confirmed it to yourself last weekend and you needed to do it again to see and now you have.
You're half way through again!! :)
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the urges today are killing me, im really struggling to keep going, the numbness in my fingers is getting too much. it needs to stop, they need to go.
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Think of something positive cornish, try to take your mind off it if you can.
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No they don't Cornish. If they go you will have to deal with a void which is more more difficult. WITH the fingers you have options, WITHOUT the fingers you don't.
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What's going on now Cornish??
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its a hard thing to explain as i dont feel complete with the fingers there, they are just an annoyance and the feeling i have from them is just awful.
its very hard to describe but at its worst its like pins and needles but WAY worse but it also feels like heavy rain is hitting it, if that makes sense
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If you feel so very strongly about it cornish and you are 100% sure your attitude towards your fingers wont change then I was going to suggest you ask your doctor about proper surgical amputation but I remembered your fear of hospitals etc so I'm not sure that would be a solution :(
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This feeling of pins and needles is a misfiring of nerve endings due to nerve damage but can also indicate that where there can be feeling there can be regaining of function. Have you been told indefinitely that this is not possible?
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they think its a nerve trapped in my spine but want me to go to hospital to get a scan or something
they wont amputate a "healthy" limb or digit as its still functional
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I saw a documentary a year or two ago about people who hated parts of their body so much that it affected their mental health and surgeons eventually agreed to amputate perfectly functional parts of their bodies, I tjink one case (that really shocked me) was a bloke who had his legs removed :(
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yeah its called body integrity identity disorder
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No wonder I couldnt remember what it was called with a name like that.
Its not something I would suggest lightly but it may be an answer if you really feel you cant live with your fingers, what concerns me is that if you did manage to get rid of your fingers would you then turn your attention to another part of your body?
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oh no definitely not, its a very difficult thing to explain.
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It might be worth talking to someone in your mental health team about it if the fingers cause you so much distress, its not something to rush into of course but if you got to the state you were 100% sure and you felt it was the right course of action it would at least be done surgically and in sterile circumstances.
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ive talked about it before and i personally dont think its BIID. there more worried about my other conditions :( and the SI and part of the SI caused by the fingers :(
also i have had a few attempts to actually remove them and have a very intricate plan on how to :( the only thing that stops me is the guilt of making a bloody mess ::)
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I would be really worried if you were to attempt it yourself, there is so much that could go wrong and leave your hand in a worse state than it is now :(
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I would be really worried if you were to attempt it yourself, there is so much that could go wrong and leave your hand in a worse state than it is now :(
i have made an attempt and got down to bone.
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I really think you need to discuss it thoroughly with the doctors, there is more to amputation than simply cutting something off, also dont forget many amputees can still feel their absent limbs so even with your fingers gone you might still be able to feel some sensation
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Cornish you would be in danger of damaging nerves further which would have a knock on effect further up your hand/arm!! Not to mention the very intricate blood supply and great veins and arteries that would need to be very expertly ligated! It's not a good idea. No amount of dental floss would tie those mothers off! The use of gillies and thread is a very 2 handed job! The bones need to be disarticulated not just hacked through and this is itself is a very complicated and more challenging job than it at first looks. what would you do with the synovial fluid of the articulating joints? how would you prevent joint effusion? Your blood pressure would be above surgical limits and you would not be able to control the haemorrhage it created, even if you touniqueted you would have to do a very strict release - re-tourniquet regime so the rest of your hand didn't die and you would most likely end up with deep and superficial tissue necrosis which would eventually lead to gangrene and likely further amputation.
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i have discussed it with them and there extremely concerned and have promised not to do anything for at least a little while longer. if they see any more si in that area then they will be forced to take action, i think that means sectioning :(
all that has been considered zaf
lol i have gone into it and have an extremely detailed and intricate plans. i have looked into every way of doing it, i wont go into detail here but i have taken all of that into consideration and read a lot about it all and i do mean everything, its suppressing what you can find on the internet, there are very detailed explanations and even videos of the surgery. i like to do my research on anything i do, i get a bit ocd about small details some times and hmmm i was going to say if but i think its more of a when i do it then it will be done properly and as safely as i can, there will be no short cuts (haha :P) taken at all and it will all be done in a sterile way.
but worst case scenario i would do it in a way that was as clean and leaving enough tissue to close the wound up.
really sorry if any of this is distressing or making anyone worry, thats the last thing i want and i have only recently opened up about this and its difficult, i know this is a bit of a stupid thing to say but i thought you would think im crazy for wanting to remove what is effectively a perfectly good pair of fingers and chunk of my hand
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Its better you talk about it cornish even though it concerns us, please dont hold back for for fear of upsetting anyone.
Its a pity the doctors wont consider surgical removal rather than risk you attemping a DIY job
As lol says there is a lot more to consider than just blood loss etc, apart from everything else have you considered the consequenses if you pass out during the 'procedure'?
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That's taken care of, I have a lone worker alarm that will call a pre set number and play a recorded message if I don't press the "I'm ok" button every 10 minits
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cornish, in 10 minutes you could bleed to death :(
I know you are determined you can do it but there are so many bad consequenses of what you are planning its definitely a very bad idea.
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I know that but to be honest I'm not worried about that
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Cornish how would you do this 1 handed?
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Not 100% sure. But i will find a way, even if it means causing frostbite and then haveing to go to A&E and get them removed. Working on and in giant freezers makes this pretty easy
It's very hard for me convey my feelings on this and to me it's like not being able to explain to a non sufferer of depression, same principal with this, there is no way you would be able to understand my feelings on this.
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I can understand your description of your feelings on this and your desperation. It's not the wanting to do it that sounds odd its the actual practicalities of doing it by yourself 1 handed.
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lol is right cornish, I can appreciate your desperation to lose the fingers but it really concerns me you are thinking of doing it yourself.
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It concerns and scares me too.
My biggest worry is not being able to work afterwards and making a mess.
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thats definitely a big consideration, if something did go wrong and you couldnt work again I'm sure you'd end up in a worse place mentally as from what youve said work is the only thing that keeps you going at the moment.
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did a fairly bad bit of si today, really didn't enjoy work at all and considered quitting, im starting to become useless at work, im slowly getting slower and slower and my concentration is far from good, there probably better off without me.
fairly soon i need to build a fairly complex control panel and i really used to enjoy that, now im basically crapping my self about it :(
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That's very difficult for you Cornish. It is unusual for you to be unable to do these things like you have in the past.
Lately you have pushed yourself to have weekends off against your will, and I wonder if this has contributed to this feeling?
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It concerns me to hear you're thinking of quitting work, up till now it seems to be the main thing thats kept you going
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there are a lot of things i cant do at all any more and so many things seem to get harder and i am getting slower every day, work is definitely the only thing keeping me going but im starting to feel like a burden and like im not earning my way, i haven't enjoyed it for a long time now and i really used to enjoy my job, for a long time now ive struggled to go in the morning and now its getting harder and harder and i basically hate it now. i only do it because i HAVE to and its a distraction
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Cornish is it your actual job that you don't like though or the feeling of working whilst feeling so wrong in yourself? When is your next appointment with your phsyc? you must tell her and see if there is anything they can add in which would help in any way.
Do you want to say what your si was today?
Is there anything else you would like to get off your chest?
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Hi Cornish
Just to say I am thinking of you and just so wished I had the answer. Just please take care.
Hugs
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the appointment was today but i didn't really express my self about work, i was a bit selective about what i said due to paranoia. im slowly opening up more and more to her but im still now in a position to say everything to her and im still not opening up fully here either. she is very concerned by the si and the causes of it as my case is a bit more complicated than normal, she's already doubled the number of sessions that i will have as a minimum :(
i did admit to her that im just trying to get it over and done with as i either want to get better or i just want to be left alone to die :( but after that we did make a bit of progress with the P.T.S.D.
not something that i would want to talk about here as the only way to describe it would be rather graphic and possibly disturbing :(
got another appointment tomorrow with another specialist in medication, makes 4 this week ::)
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It does sound like progress cornish even if you think you're think you're not opening up as much as you should, I can understand you wanting to make quick progress, at least it seems the various medics are doing a good deal to help and hopefully they'll find some way of giving you positive and lasting help xx
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its the phycologist sorting everything out, she's wonderful and really cares and is extremely worried but i still confuse her which really worried me, she says that i dont show some of the symptoms i should and i show symptoms that make no sense :(
she's concentrating on the P.T.S.D. first
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Try to think positive, this lady will do everything in her power to help even if she doesnt understand your situation completely, its really great to find someone like that and, from my experience, that helps an enormous amount
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almost time for my appointment with the medication specialist !"! not looking foward to it but i know my meds arent really helping like they did so yet again i think its time for another change :(
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Good luck mate and remember that whilst calling them ignorant barstueards isnt polite it makes them listen haha. Only thing ive learned so far sorry ;)
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How did it go Cornish? I hope some changes can be made that bring new hope. I think you are making progress. I'm sad that it is so difficult for you because you are trying so very hard. You are so couragous and inspiring.
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I echo everything lol has just said. When you feel able do let us know how it went today and how you are xx
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wish i had seen that before i went pete
well yet again ive confused some one else :o there just going to throw more drugs !"! at me AGAIN ::) and now i need to have yet another bi weekly appointment to my schedule, so thats 2-4 a week ::) oh the joy of being well and truly f**ked up
i think im getting quetiapine, not 100% sure though as im forgetful ::)
was a 2 1/2 hour long appointment and now im really tired, i was going to go back to work after but as it took so long im just relaxing and ignoring the world for a while.
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Hugs Cornish,
Thinking of you.
XXXXXXXXX
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That's a great idea Cornish. Where there's new meds there's new hope!!!!!!!! there is so much being thrown at you at the moment it must be a daunting prospect. But as you said, you just want to get on top of this so you can beat it so hopefully the more they see you and the more you can open up, the less confused they should become! I know it doesn't seem like it at the moment though.
well done after today. :)
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Just try to think all the drugs and appointments are to help you get better, good to hear you decided to have a rest this afternoon, thinking of you xx
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well the lvls of meds i will be on will mean that i NEED to make sure i stick to my weekly appointments :(
only taken the afternoon of as i feel soo exhausted that i dont think i would make it to work :( i really want to go, i need to go, i cant go :(
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Any chance you could sleep?
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They are doing their best to help cornish even though you probably hate going, lol is right, is it possible for you to get a bit of sleep?
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im constantly physically and mentally exhausted and can barely sleep as it is and none of the sleeping tablets ive tried really do much, kalms did help a bit but i became addicted and they stopped working ::)
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Its horrible feeling like that and not being able to sleep :(
Have you tried any of the alternative type things like lavender or hop pillows?
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yeah but i cant remember what they were, they were just chucked at me basically lol
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How are you feeling today Cornish?
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really struggling to keep going, low doesn't come close to expressing how i feel
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I'm sorry Cornish this is very difficult. you are in a place that you can not escape from and you can't believe how you have ended up in it as you have made progress recently. You will recover from how you feel. It wont always be like this. You will get through this. It will be different. you will get back to your point of progress and you will make further progress. Thank you for how you have been able to support others as you have been coping with your own difficulties. You are truly an inspiration.
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keep fighting cornish, you have been so very strong and given me inspiration to fight my own depression, we are all with you and help you &*(
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Yes Zaf is right, you are an inspiration />.
Keep strong
Love Di XXXX
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thanks guys n gals, i dont really see my self in that way but being told it makes me feel a tiny bit better about my self
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I can really understand wanting to be rid of or punish a part of you that niggles you like that, but then of course injuring or removing the offending part is going to make it even more obvious there is a problem with it.
I dont know the answer to be truthful, a friend of mine that SI could sometimes stop herself by putting her hands in a bowl of ice cubes but not sure if that would help?
i often hurt myself by slamming my back against the corner of a brick wall, start off a bit gentle then build up a rocking motion pushing myself off, i don't hit my head as that still works, till the pain is throbbing, sick to death of this crap body, i so long to be back where i was, i also thump my legs i am quite powerful in the arm area and sometimes i think i am going to break bones doing it, these bits of me don't work anymore but i have to drag them round with me, never thought of it as self harming, but i guess i have been enlightened.
Thanks LR