This isn't easy for me to say, I've been coming to grips with a lot over the last year, it's had it's ups and downs, but now I seem to be stuck at a new low that I can't get out of!
Throughout my childhood I was abused mentally and somewhat physically by my mother, this seems to coincide with a drop in performance both academically and socially. I could take the beatings once I hit a certain age, now 18 and 6ft 4 it doesn't bother me, I just lock it up inside and take it on the chin (literally in some cases). Last year I was struggling with my A levels and my mother punished me for this, I had no out-route so I saw no way to stop the abuse!
However in the summer of 2012, I started a relationship with my bestfriend, she kept me happy and offered safe haven when others had turned their backs, as I grew into the relationship my confidence grew exponentially, to the point where insults and remarks didn't bother me, I was with the girl of my dreams and never been happier! About two months into the relationship my mother lost it with me, and beat me so hard I had to run away, I stayed with friends before eventually seeking refuge at my girlfriends house. It was here that I regained my stature as a man and not the little boy I'd been treated like! Another month later and things seemed to settle down and I returned home.
This was a happy year for me (2013) I was doing better at school (resitting) and my girlfriend was the best thing that ever happened to me! I loved her to bits! I went up by two grades in almost all subjects and began talking about a future together with her. It seems slightly premature, but that girl was the one I wanted to marry.
However my world came crashing down on August 9th 2013, she left me, the girl who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with left me. She was my bestfriend as well, so I had to stay close, I began to try to reform a relationship, but I was then hit with the news that she was sleeping with another boy, about 3 weeks after we had split. This tore me straight in two, the emotional scars hadn't healed and I found it harder and harder to stay even friends with her! She was my only proper friend left at my school since my other best mates had left for uni, I now feel isolated and somewhat betrayed! It just seems too much to deal with right now, all I do in my spare time is lie in bed, thinking about where it went wrong, only moving for food, it's been a week or so since I properly spoke to my family! I'm in a very dark place and I have begun to self harm, even welcoming the occasional suicidal thought, how do I deal with this?
Can anyone help me?
