Depression Forums
General => Fun Stuff => Topic started by: Ezel on September 02, 2010, 10:28:22 PM
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Cat Quotes
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
- Dave Platt
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
- Jeff Valdez
"There is no snooze button for a cat that wants breakfast."
-Anonymous
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
- English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
- Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another."
- Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
- Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
- Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
- Faith Resnick
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
- Hippolyte Taine
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."
- Anonymous
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
- Albert Schweitzer
The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
- Ernest Menaul
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me."
- Anonymous
"Time spent with cats is never wasted."
- Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."
- Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats."
- Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."
- Joseph Wood Krutch
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
- John S. Nichols
"The smallest feline is a masterpiece."
-- Leonardo Da Vinci
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Anonymous
"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein
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This made me laugh out loud this morning, so thank you!
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Getting Old
- Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want to people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
- One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
- Ahh, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
- Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
- First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then...Oh, my goodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down!
- If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker??
And best of all...
- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
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Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers, Part I
An old one, but a good one...
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.
3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my gosh! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
6. Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
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Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers, Part II
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh- huh, really, or "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone that's a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my goodness!!!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. (This is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers)
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Brilliant Ezel, I normally just ask them can they hold for a second and go ahead doing normal things they don't like holding after 10mins or so...............
A few weeks ago I was really unwell 2 words the second was off................not good
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;D
some in there i can identify with &^% &^%
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;D
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I had an idea of a sort of game we could play :-\ I'm not sure if it will work - there could be a glaringly obvious flaw which I have not considered! But basically what we do is ask a question BUT it absolutely has to be positive!! It will get those replying remembering good events or... compliments they've been given, favourite things that perhaps they haven't thought of for a while etc... Then the person that answers the question gets to ask a new one for anybody to answer and it could just roll on like that.... I know I have times when I'm not all that imaginative so we could always re-use questions, give someone else the chance to give their answer.... Hopefully this makes sense and I am not just rambling!! ::)
Ok... my first question - for anyone to answer is:
What is the nicest compliment anyone has ever given you?
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My mum gave me a cushion today saying "A daughter is a Special Friend"
What do you hope to achieve tomorrow?
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To get to work and get through the day without having a panic attack
What is your favoutite food or meal?
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Cheese...olives, some nice fresh bread, maybe a bit of pastrami or cured meat
What has been the highlight of the last seven days for you?
(Thanks for replying guys!! :))
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My mother in law getting out of hospital.
What's your favourite saying?
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As much use as a chocolate teapot
If money was no object what/where would your ideal holiday be?
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Lapland... In a little hotel on the Russian border, if money was no object I'd also get married whilst there ;)
What is your favourite film?
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ironically mine is its a wonderful life but I havent watched it for 3 years since my sister was diagnosed with cancer. Maybe its time to play it again, Thanks.
What is the funniest joke you ever heard?
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most of the ones my boss tells, there not funny and he can never finish them but its just funny to watch him start pissing him self laughting half way though telling them
whats your favorite car/ manufacturer ? sorry i have no imagination
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VW - Maybe I have been slightly influenced by my better half ;) But... They always seem pretty reliable AND VW campers rock />.
Umm... What is your favourite time of year?
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i expected that from you
winter, i like the cold and rain "£" :), i hate hot weather. yes im weird and ive always been that way. i once worked in a giant freezer at -28 and liked it ;D
whats the best part of your day ?? probably a difficult one, i cant even think of an answer :(
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Haha nice to know I have become predictable in the short time we've know each other! :P
I love the cold and rain too - that doesnt make you weird!! (Says me!)
I have some friends coming over for dinner later, so the best part of my day will be making a summer trifle and cooking a nice big roast lamb dinner! :)
Do you have any pets?
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lol well it was pretty obvious
nope but i would love a pet, shame im allergic to most things with hair :( would love a reptile though
whats the one thing you cant live without ??
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Sounds really soppy - people, get your buckets ready!! Would have to be Chris though ::) I honestly think if it wasn't for him I wouldnt even be here now, he really is my rock and has shouldered so much over the last 18 months. On a lighter note... My dog also, he is the coolest animal ever! Such a dude ;)
If you were to make a mixtape of 10 songs - what would those songs be?
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thats loverly that ...... umm your dog is a dude. haha sorry chris :P
right this is going to be a random as hell list but its an actual cd in my van at the moment. there are others on it and there in no paticular order, this is also not my favorite cd but i seem to play it a lot at the moment
1 cragga mr postman mix
2 jackson 5 abc
3 escala kashmir
4 pendulum throught the loop and slam yes i know thats 2 and it makes this list 11
5 ac/dc back in black
6 katy b katy on a mission
7 atb 9pm
8 dizzy rascal bonkers
9 shakira she wolf
10 sash raindrops
whats your favorite film ??
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Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind - such an amazing film that I could just watch over and over again and still find something new! Also, the idea that you could have someone erased from your mind sometimes seems very appealing!! AND it has possibly one of the best soundtracks to a film.... ;)
What is your guilty pleasure? (Remember a positive one though!!)
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oi get back to work :P
gotta be my retail therapy for things i dont need, well i do manage to justify them so actually i do need them haha
whats the first thing you would do if you won the lottery ?
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Lol I discussed this with that euro win, first thing is book holiday but then i'd start to worry about hpw the money would turn people against me and maybe result in my family being kidnapped for ransom so glad i didnt win ::)
What song makes you feel safe and content right now?
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Cornish... read my 'How are you feeling today?' post! !"!
I would say... Alibi by 30 Seconds to Mars. I posted it in the 'What are you listening to?' thread... pretty amazing song! :)
Um... What did you want to be when you were little?
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i think the same about winning the lottery :(
i just went n read it n dunno why i was suppose to read it, although im a bit off my head on diazepam
i wanted to be an electrician. i succeeded :D
whats your target for the week ?
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To keep making small improvements with my illness
What TV program do you like the most?
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good for you
gotta be csi, although i cant actually remember the last time i watched it
whats your favorite drink ?? and i dont mean alcohol ;)
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Home made elderflower cordial
What place in the world would you most like to visit?
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ive always wanted to take my land rover over to greenland and drive into an ice cave, there a truly beautiful sight, well from the pics ive seen they are
when did you last laugh ?
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Wow, that sounds amazing :)
Not sure about a proper laugh but I did think it was funny and smiled when OH filled the dishwasher with the wrong stuff Sunday and we ended up with foam all over the kitchen rather like something out of a horror sci fi movie!
What sports have you taken part in or do you still take part in?
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Haha
Used to do a lot of motersport. Drag raceing, land rover trails
Power kite boarding was fun too, basically a huge kite and a big skateboard with big wheels on the beach
Suppose shooting is a sport too
What is your biggest ambition? Not includeing getting better
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To have a book published :)
What was your favourite subject at school?
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Science but most of the time I was banned from entering any rooms with gas taps :p
What's your greatest achievement ?
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Hmmm... this seems to have stumped us! :-\
I'm gonna say.... going to Dublin a few weeks ago. I surprised myself and everyone else when I took up a last minute offer from my friend who had ended up with two flights! She had never flown before and the 2 times I've flown, I've followed my OH around the airport like an amazed little lamb! But we went - for 24 hours (It was for a book signing) we had a great time, strengthened our friendship and got thoroughly exhausted!! It took me a week to recover ::) But I did it - when I couldn't even step outside my front door a few months ago!
Would you prefer a holiday where you were to lie by the pool in a hot country, relax, sunbathe and get along with the other Brits around or go somewhere colder, more quiet and remote and have a mixture of activities/walking/embracing local culture?
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cold, i cant stand the heat its horrible. just anywhere cold will do for me, preferably with lots of snow and a land rover with a bloody heater that works :)
whats your guilty pleasure ??
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Eating huge amounts of chocolate
what are you looking forward to this weekend?
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going to work and working in a big freezer. i like the cold :) yes im strange
whats the first thing you do in the morning ?
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Talk to the dog whilst putting a mug of milk in the microwave for a milky coffee :) (Chris has gone to work by this point, I don't generally ignore him in the morning...)
What would your dream day consist of?
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Laying on a quiet beach in the Seychelles with no interruptions except for drinks and lunch/dinner being served at appropriate times :)
If money was no object what car would you buy?
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a bel aurens long nose land rover hybrid powered by a rolls royce merlin engine which is 27 litre v12 turbo produceing close to 1500bhp :D
the pic is a v8 version not the long nose v12
(http://static.blogo.it/autoblog/BellAurensLongnose_01.jpg)
mmm sexy v8 noise :D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKI-Rc29GfI&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKI-Rc29GfI&feature=related)
umm im drooling too much to think of a question
hmmm do u think that v8 sounds sexy ?? ^-^
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Hahaha good question :P
Um... not really! Chris will often say 'Ahhh doesn't that sound good?!' (Or something similar) on hearing a car that sounds like there is something majorly wrong with the engine because its making a racket... I presume a V6 is similar? (Apparently his bright orange golf mk2 has a VR6 engine....)
He's never impressed with my distaste either ;)
Whats the nicest thing someone has said to you in the past week?
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oh :(
technically its not a v6 its a vr 6 i could go into geekey levels of detail but i doubt anyone on here would appreciate it.
haha
cant really think of anything really nice, i honestly dont think there has been anything, but then i havent really spoken to anyone, i never do :(
im not counting things on here though
i can think of a thousand questions that arent positive.
would you rater be attacked by a horse sized duck or ten duck sized horses. good old radio one question that has always stuck with me.
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Haha um... both would be pretty surreal, I'm gonna go for a horse sized duck though, at least then its one on one and a bit more of a fair fight! :P
If you could live through any era instead of this one, which one would you pick?
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The 60's
What time of year do you loke the best?
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October/November/December :)
I love the feeling where the days are getting colder and its getting autumnal and then you know its going to be winter soon and I LOVE winter, getting ready for christmas, the whole lot - also my birthday is in december :P
Whats your favourite sunday roast?
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Thats a difficult one cos I'm virtually vegan! I'd have to say lots of lovely roast vegs with a rich spicy sauce and some rice
Whats the best book you've ever read?
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The Little Girl That Lived Down The Lane - Laird Koeng
What did you want to be when you were little?
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A vet
What is your favourite place
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oi munch that question has already been asked :P
im virtually vegan too, been a veggie for about 15 years now
my bed, its comfy and i feel safe there, well im still there now haha
what hobbies do you have ?
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Horses, dogs, sewing and knitting etc, reading, walking, gardening (most of those only when I'm well)
What animals do you like and do you have any pets?
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i love dogs and reptiles, sadly i dont have any as im allergic to dogs :( and i live with my mum as i know i wouldn't cope otherwise and she would go mental if i brought a reptile home.
whats your favorite sweet ??
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Questions can be recycled :P I made the rules up remember ;)
Favourite sweet... hmmm apart from the obvious 'chocolate' I think Fruit Pastilles rock, only the dark coloured ones though OH! Or Jelly babies.... hmm, thats tricky....
Fruite pastilles or Jelly babies? :P
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Fruit pastilles :P
Whats your favourite time of day?
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Around 5.30/6pm.... Chris gets home from work and we usually have a cup of tea and a chat :) Sometimes a piece of cake manages to sneak its way in there too...
What was your favourite holiday?
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haha ok but i think these rules need to be written down some where
my favorite time of the day is midnight because im never sure what day it is
whats your happiest memory?
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ah crap ignore my post i failed, didnt notice yours
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I think my answer will be the same for both questions - about 10 years ago we stayed in a lodge on the shore of Craiglush loch in Perthshire, total peace and quiet with nature all around.
Who is your favourite actor?
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Or if you have one handy, ask them to hold on a second and pass the phone to a small child (a babbling toddlers works well) and see how long they stay on the line for.
Our record so far is 12 minutes 27seconds
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LOL like them
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Aha! Zaf saves the days with a diplomatic answer! :) Sounds beautiful aswell...
Hmm favourite actor... Noel Fielding is always a winner in my book! Although... I guess he would be classed as more of an 'entertainer'. Serious actor wise, probably Clive Owen :)
Whats your favourite TV show?
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Good ones :D
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I think that depends on what my day is like and what mood I'm in, at the moment I'm watching a lot of Judge Judy ::)
Who is your favourite singer or band?
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Very much like you and what sort of mood I'm in with that one...
At the moment I'm listening to a lot of The Pierces and 30 Seconds To Mars, I've always loved The Corrs though, also The Cardigans and A Camp are pretty amazing OH! But Garbage are very good too - I think lyrically, they can just blow me away! I don't think I have a favourite ::)
What are you looking forward to this week?
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This sounds dreadful but knocking off time on Friday!
Whats your favourite meal?
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not really too sure but dominoes comes to mind as theres no effort needed and its easy to clean up after haha
why is pizza round and it comes in a square box ?
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Um... so Dominoes can fit their sauce pots in the corners? :P
What countries have you visited?
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France, Tunisia, Djerba (not sure if there are any others)
what would you do if you won several millions on the lottery?
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I would buy my parents a house and make sure my brothers & sisters were all comfortable, get married, put some away and buy a couple of small houses (we don't need big houses :P) Theres a bungalow, which is more like a wooden shack that we used to stay in a lot in Cornwall, right on the coast... its a really beautiful spot, but the land itself will be mega money, so I'd definetly buy that! ;) Oh and I'd probably get another couple of dogs.... not that I've thought about this much... :-\
Whats your favourite movie?
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hmmm thats a difficult one, I've liked quite a lot over the years. I think if I had to pick just one it would be Soldier Blue (that shows my age!)
Thinking of all the gadgets and electronic things you own, which one is the best, most useful or you like most?
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I think probably my dishwasher! :P I've never had a dishwasher and have only had one for the last couple of months... my god, its amazing!!
Would you rather spend a weekend in London - seeing shows, eating out and staying in a 5* hotel, or spend it in a small cottage in the highlands of Scotland... very remote, quiet walks and unpredictable weather?
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mine broke Sunday and Ive got the repair man coming Wednesday, could have done without that extra expense :(
Definitely Scotland :)
What sort of art do you like?
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Ooooo thats very tricky! I have always loved Dali and anything a bit surreal... but I do love things that are very intricate, I do intricate artwork so I definitely admire it in others! We went to London just before Christmas for my birthday to see an art exhibition that Noel Fielding (him again! ::)) had put on... again, quite surreal and everything had a story. I like quite bold things too...
(http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150142988969364&set=a.389124519363.161323.506019363&type=1&theater)
I don't know if that link will work... not really sure how to post images on here, thats one that I did - I made placemats for my mum with the same design :)
Do you have a holiday planned for this year?
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I coulnt open it but that might be because I'm at home on my ipad, I'll try to remember to look when I'm at work
Yes, nothing special, a caravan for a week on the Yorkshire moors
Do you do anything special at Christmas time?
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Ah.... never mind, its a ink to facebook, so I don't know if you need to be logged in/registered to see it.
Usually we stay home, just the two of us and the dog on Christmas day :) When I worked in the care home before, I did christmas days or boxing days because I was 'full-time' so we never really went away anywhere and Chris' place of work is open right up until christmas eve - so we've just tended to stay local. This year though, Chris has managed to get some time off and we're hopefully going up to Scotland with a couple of friends for the week between christmas and new year :) Quite exciting!
What television character would you most associate yourself with?
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Sounds a great plan for Christmas :)
Probably Barbara Good from the Good Life cos we have a massive vegetable garden and used to have goats and chickens
Is there anything special you'd like to do when you retire?
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Hmmm I havent really thought too much about my retirement yet! :P I guess I'd like to be comfortable money-wise and have a happy and healthy family around me. Probably doing what I'm doing now - drawing and writing... making 'good home-cooked food!' and hopefully living somewhere on the coast :)
If you could wake up anywhere tomorrow, where would it be?
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In the Seychelles for a good long rest on a sun kissed beach
Who is your favourite actress?
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Eva Green
Whats for tea tonight?
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Chips and something, not sure what at the moment, it will depend what time OH gets back from visiting his dad in hospital before wanting to dash back out to play pool ::)
What type of flowers do you like the most?
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none i have allergies :(
what the first thing you can put your hand on thats not related to your computer ?
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my phone bill
Who would win in a staring competition Batman or Spiderman?
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I'm gonna go Batman....
Whats your favourite type of cake?
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eccles cake ;)
whats your favorite season in the year?
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Spring, i love seeing the plants waking up after their winter sleep and the nights getting longer, its getting warmer but not too hot and there arent usually too many bugs or flying stingy things About.
What is your favourite fruit?
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British strawberries.... has to be british though, they are so sweet and tasty ;)
Um... whats the song stuck in your head right now?
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has to be ac/dc back in black, ive been watching supernatural a bit much.
whats your favorite tv series ??
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In recent months... The Walking Dead... I have a bit of a zombie/apocalypse obsession :-\
Also Spaced - all seems scarily familiar :P
Whats your favourite takeaway? (I can almost guarantee Cornish's reply! :P) x
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oo i watched that a few weeks ago n loved it, really looking forward to the next series.
thats an awesome series, just dunno where i can watch it :(
actually you cant, when i actually used to eat vaguely normally it would be from a chinese, from next to a friends house, it was mixed vegetables, with water chest nuts in a black bean sauce with some noodles and bean sprouts. thats the only take away ive had other than dominoes as far as i can remember, i like my strange home made veggie stuff too much. ive been in far too many food factories to consider eating anything processed. well some stuff i eat still is but very little, please dont let me put you off, most food factories are immaculate and very hygienic and the ingredients they use are top notch but there are some that i would never even feed the food my worst enemy.
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Haha ah ok :P You have proven me wrong!
Spaced is on repeated a lot on Dave ;)
*whispers* Whats your question?
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pressed post too soon haha, better add a question.
hmmm tea or coffee ? and what type ?
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not really as its the only one i eat now is dominoes so it has to be my favorite.
well i just have to get motivated enough to actually watch tv now
i noticed before u posted that :D
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Coffee.... I am quite fussy about this :-\ It has to be in a *definite* coffee mug.... drinks taste different from different mugs! And it has to be strong, but also have a lot of milk in it and also quite sweet (but not too sweet :P)
Also... when it comes to dunking biscuits :-\ I'm not a massive biscuit eater but Chris is.... my god, if he dares to contaminate a drink that I haven't already given up to biscuit dunking duties, there is trouble!!! They effect the taste....
Yes, I am odd :P
Whats your pet hate?
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Unreliable people
Whats your favoirute colour?
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Completley with you on unreliable people!
Green
Where were you born?
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Teddington
Do you prefer hot or cold drinks?
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Cold... as an aside, since I started taking these new sleeping meds a couple of nights ago, I am so thirsty!! :o
Ok, slighty out there, but it is important! Do you know how to kill a zombie? ;)
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Might be worth mentioning it to your doc?
I have to confess I have no idea, a vampire yes, but not a zombie!
Do you ever read a novel twice?
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You need to destroy the brain! Bear it in mind, you never know when it might come in useful ;)
Yes... I have read The Little Girl That Lived Down The Lane countless times. Never get tired of that book :)
What three things would you say you are really good at?
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Yep, I might need it someday!
Not sure about really good, possibly quite good - accounts/bookwork, interior decorating, sewing/knitting
Do you like thunderstorms?
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:)
I do - I find them really exciting, when I'm with someone - otherwise I'm just a big scardey cat and ring my mum until it passes :P
What are you looking forward to?
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Feeling well again and getting away on holiday for a week in yorkshire in September
Do you loke snow?
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I love snow ^-^ Its a real possibility that one day we'll move to Lapland. Snow, huskies, middle of nowhere... I would be in heaven!
What is your favourite board game?
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Brrrr, that makes me feel cold!
I think probaby Monopoly
What is your favourite comedy (past or present)?
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Ooooh thats a hard one! I like things that are a bit quirky ::) Green Wing or The Mighty Boosh are way up there (Noel.... %$%) I do find myself giggling the whole way through 8 out of 10 cats though - although I guess thats classed as a panel show. Peep Show and Spaced are also brilliant.... Black Books, Only fools and Horses.... My word, theres too many to chose from!
Any plans for the weekend?
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I loooves peep show too. BBQ dog anyone ?
Working again
Anyone want to swap jobs ?
But seriously. 7up or sprite??
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7 up :)
sunrise or sunset ???
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Sunrise :)
Favourite novel?
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been thinking about that question all day and i can say ive never read a novel but i read car and land rover magazines sometimes :P
iphone or blackberry ??
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You sound as bad as my OH, all he reads are workshop manuals or bike magazines ::)
Neither, I've got an android phone (HTC Desire), I wanted an iphone but thought it was too expensive.
Which Bank holiday do you like the most?
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well ill take that as a complement, oh n i have a few workshop manuals too :)
i like all bank holidays because when i work them i get triple time and with an electricians wage that puts a smile on my face.
i cant stand easter though as im allergic to chocolate, well i still eat very little very rarely :P
not really a bank holiday but i love pancake day :D
pepsi or coke ??
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Coke, everytime :)
Whats the best job you've ever had?
-
gotta be my current job, well before all this started it was :( only had one real job before that doing the same thing so from the day i left school ive been an electrician, well all but a few weeks before i started my apprenticeship and i worked in a office for a few days but ummm well i was asked to leave due to misuse of a laminator :-\ anything i could find was laminated, including a load of dead flies, looked pretty cool and they wouldn't let me keep it :( im glad now though, it seems strange looking back on it, but i know that office work is not for me, i get easily distracted and bored easily, i need to be doing something all the time.
are you normally late, early or on time ?
-
Normally early
Tea or coffee?
-
coffee, black and strong in a HUGE mug, but not very often now due to caffeine being a depressant and it affects me badly :(
have you ever had a pee in the shower lol ??
-
I have to admit yes :-[
What type of films do you like? Horror, romantic, sci-fi etc ........
-
Sci-fi... and a bit apocalyptic (as if you hadn't of guessed ;))
When was the last time you went camping?
-
1973!
If you go on holiday do you prefer camping, caravanning, self catering, hotel etc?
-
:o. That's before I was born
Self catering but I don't do holidays anymore :(
Wheres you favourite place ??
-
I was only a teenager at the time but I had a nasty feeling that would show my age! Keep positive cornish, you'll beat the damned illness one day
Perthshire, around the Dunkeld area
Whats your favourite smell?
-
The woods when its been raining - or coffee :-\
Do you wear glasses?
-
I do for reading and driving
Do you play any sports?
-
only sports i used to do were power kiting, basically a huge kite and a skate board with big wheels on, was bloody quick on the beach :)
oh and lots of motor sports. used to take my car drag racing, couple of drift days and a lot of different types of off roading competitions.
what can you see out the window now ??
-
Bits of my garden :) My shed, which is very old and faded and needs pulling down, some tomato plants and some lovely golden sunflowers :)
Holiday in england or abroad?
-
i loves fresh tomatoes mmm
umm dunno england for now, but i also hate hot places so ummm well still dunno but i now hate the idea of flying or going on a boat.
what's the last thing you ate ??
-
Half a bag of maltesers - after a really nice roast dinner, I bought lamb fillets and had no idea how to cook them! So they've been in a really low oven for about 5 hours!! So tender - quite proud of them ;)
Do you dream a lot?
-
yes and there very vivid and well actually there more like nightmares.
whats the last dream you remember?
-
I remember every dream :-[ And they are getting worse.... And so incredibaly detailed! I remember the dream I had thisafternoon (and last night, the night before and before that and before that and so on...), but I won't go into it because this is supposed to be a positive thread - but, it really was not nice...
Whats your idea of a perfect day?
-
any day before this started.
but probably a day of off roading and a few nice gently green lanes to relax on
orange juice or apple juice ??
-
Apple juice, I'm allergic to citrus fruit ::)
Do you have a garden?
-
I do :) Its quite small - but I have found pottering around in my back garden to be very theraputic. I struggle to do my front garden because of being out the front - but the back, I'm out there almost daily and I have tomatoes that are turning red! />. Also, I've found inspiration in my plants for some childrens stories which have gone down well amongst family and friends, so I need to get on and find out what to do with them next!!
Do you have any pets?
-
I've at last managed to get out in the back garden today but, as you say, I cant go out in front yet despite it desperately needing a lot of work in it
Yes, I have 5 rescued dogs plus 4 horses
Where do you like to walk, or where did you like to walk if you cant at the moment?
-
Wow - thats a lot! I bet they are amazing though :) What breeds of dog do you have?
Luckily Chris also loves walking and exploring - so on weekends we do tend to go off and end up in a pub or campsite somewhere :) The dog is getting a little elderly though, so we have to make sure we have some doggy painkiller so his joints dont play him up the day after. On friday I went down to Kimmeridge on the Dorset coast with my parents who were down for a few days - we walked along the clifftop (SO many blackberries and sloes!) and then we walked back along the beach looking for fossils - was wonderful :) Anywhere that has sea or woods and is quiet and I'm in my element. Theres talk of climbing Snowdon one weekend before winter - that should be good, although I'll have to make sure I have days either side that I can store up energies and then recuperate!
Whats your favourite snack?
-
Ive got to admit when I feel ill they seem a burden which is terrible but I know I feel differently when I'm well
We have one greyhound, two lurchers and two whippet lurchers; as for the horses we have two Friesians, an Arab x welsh and a very old thoroughbred. We used to have 5 goats at one time but one winter when I was desperately ill with depression we realised we needed to cut down so I found them good home with a friend.
What sort of dog do you have?
I think probably salted peanuts
What do you look forward to doing most when you are properly well?
-
I have... what I have recently discovered (after 6 years :P) and my other half disputes... an Australian Shepherd. He's called Benji and is honestly the most beautiful, loyal and friendly dog I have ever had. He was a rescue dog and there was a bit of a dispute over whether he was 4 or 8 when we got him... so we're not really sure on his age. But since I've been ill and at home, he has been amazing. He follws me everywhere and its almost like he 'protects' me when Chris isn't here. As soon as Chris comes in through the door you'll see him physically dip his shoulder as if to say 'Ok, your back, I've done what I can!' He watches tv and 'talks' quite a lot, so he's got quite a character. We're hoping to get him a friend soon - another big dog, but from having my mums dog to stay we can tell he loves the company, he does tend to mope a bit when she goes home (either that or he's in doggy love!)
I think what I most look forward to is planning my wedding and getting married. I just can't cope at the moment with all the organisation and desicion making it would take.
What is your favourite piece of clothing - something that when you put on, you think 'Yeah, I feel good!'
-
He sounds lovely, will you find another one from rescue?
Thats definitely something well worth working towards, I think the organisation would be daunting for someone thats 100% well so I'm not surprised you want to wait till you're better.
Strangely enough its a bright red tee shirt that is sort of fitted (rather than a loose baggy one), no idea why!
If you had a chance to sit quietly in the sunshine and take in the view, what would you like to be seeing?
-
Yeah - I've always had rescue dogs. Keeping an eye on our local places to see whats around :)
Red is good! It a bright colour - black... not so good ;)
I would like to be on a cliff in Perranuthanoe in Cornwall, sat outside a little shack that we used to stay in when I was little. You look down past the fields to the very quiet beach and the sea across to the Lizard point. I think that bungalow is possibly my favourite place in the whole world :)
Have you ever, or do you dye your hair?
-
Hope you find a lovely one when the time is right :)
Yep, Ive had highlights for as long as I can remember :)
Would you prefer to live in a really old house or a brand new one?
-
Really old - everytime. I love houses that need work and that you can out your own mark on. We currently live in a house thats about 20 years old and wouldn't be my first choice :P Its in a nice area though and its allowed us to get on the property ladder - and after 7 years, i'm getting it to feel cosy and like 'ours'. But a house with character everytime :)
Whats your least favourite household chore?
-
I would love a dog but I'm allergic to them, it's always been the one thing in my life that I can't achieve :(. I've even been affected by the few hypoallergenic dogs that I've met
Hoovering as i have an irrationalfear of them, I run away whimpering like a little scared puppy lol
Do you like the day or the night ??
-
thats really sad especially if you're still allergic to the ones that are supposed to be OK :(
The day time, especially just as the sun comes up :) although I do also love the nights where we have a cloudless sky and a full moon
Do you like snakes or spiders? I know, weird question but I'm out of ideas!
-
Not really either.... I prefer snakes to spiders! But to me, thats like saying do you prefer stinging nettles or thornes :P (I prefer thornes...)
I guess theres loads of questions that can be re-used if we want to keep this thread going?
What was the last thing you bought?
-
you're right, I cant remember half of the ones we started with!
some bandages and first aid stuff for the dog's first aid box!
whats your favourite book?
-
I know I've already answered this - so I won't bang on about The Little Girl That Lives Down The Lane again :P Since I've had depression I have read quite a few books written by people who have suffered from it - The Bell Jar, Girl Interrupted (The film is very good too), The Trick Is To Keep Breathing (awesome Garbage song too!) and Its a Funny Kind of Story (Again, amazing film) - they have all been very good in thier different ways, I think we're all a pretty creative bunch! ;)
Girl, Interrupted trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4-GD1VqdOA
The Trick Is To Keep Breathing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjeoXDHpH_c
Its a Funny Kind of Story trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_pq7HKc9z8
Ooooh - thats a question! :P Would you class yourself as creative?
-
Hmmm difficult one, I like art, sewing and making things but I'm not very good (or at least I dont think so), I suppose I'd have to say yes I think.
Apart from feeling better (which is what we all want) what would make you happy right now?
-
If someone was to come in - tell me not to worry about working tommorow night, do my ironing AND ring the holiday cottage people for me! That would do it ;)
Apart from this illness, what are you most afraid of?
-
Spiders!
Apart from the bathroom whats the first thing you do in the morning?
-
Come down and talk to Benji :P Then usually make a coffe, switch the computer on until I decide its about time I got dressed...
Do you have a crush on anyone famous?
-
Not these days but years ago I rather fancied Clint Eastwood (in the days of his spaghetti westerns)
What colour are your living room walls?
-
Rather boringly... cream. But they have to be because our house had an extension built before we bought it and there is no natural light source in the room - even in the day you have to have a lamp on. I have painted the coving and all the woodwork a nice coffee-ish brown colour though, to add a bit of interest!
Would you say you are clumsy?
-
I have cream in the bedrooms so I dont think its boring! I think its fun jazzing up a neutral colour with accessories
I dont think so
Did you like school?
-
I have cream in the bedrooms so I dont think its boring! I think its fun jazzing up a neutral colour with accessories
I dont think so
Did you like school?
-
No... I liked 'school' as in art, history and english - that was fine. But the people at school and what it resulted in - no way. I didn't have a great time at school and had to be home tutored for the two GCSE's I could take because I got to the point where I physically couldn't get out of bed in the morning because my anxiety over bullying was so extreme. :-[
What was the last album you bought?
-
I hated school too :(
Something new age and relaxing, cant temember the name right now
Do you prefer a bath or to shower?
-
Baths... although I always get in them and think 'Right, what do I do now??' I find it very hard to do nothing....
Do you like rain?
-
i love the rain, i love the cold, but only if its not windy
what have you done today ?
-
I read in tne bath ;)
Pulled up some bindweed that was on the fence, did a little tidying indoors and went to work, since I got home I've been too tired to do anything else but its been a reasonably positive day, that makes 2 in a row ;D
What are you planning to do this evening?
-
nothing but sit and do nothing and occasionally come on here a few times. just like every night :-[
do you sing in the shower ??
-
I sing everywhere :P Actual songs or made up songs... :-\ Usually when I'm alone though!
Whats for tea?
-
probably nothing again.
what did you have for dinner ?
-
Corned beef, chips and beans for OH, no corned beef for me being veggie
Do you prefer gold or silver?
-
Silver - I'm not a huge fan of gold generally. My engagement ring is silver and do will be my wedding band when we finally get to being married :)
What is the most treasured thing you own?
-
I prefer silver too :)
This may sound daft but a recipe book an elderly lady wrote out for me in beautiful handwriting and gave to me one Christmas
Do you prefer cold, crisp winter days or hot summer days?
-
No, that doesnt sound odd at all, it sounds pretty amazing actually! :)
Cold, crisp winter ones - I cant wait until winter now!!
Do you like to bake?
-
Yes I love to bake when I have the energy, I love most types of cooking
Which brings me to the question, what sort of cake or pudding do you like best?
-
I'm not really a massive fan of chocolate cake - I prefer lighter fruitier things, but my mum gave me a recipie last year for chocolate upside down cake :o Oh. My. GOD - it is amazing!! I tend to chuck some dried fruit in there too, break up the chocolateness and coffeness a bit! Although the spoon of clotted cream helps too! ;) I also love creme brulee.... thats usually what I order if we're out and its on the menu :)
What was the last film you watched?
-
Cant remember what it was called, it had Bruce Willis in it and was about a boy that saw ghosts. Just googled it , its The Sixth Sense.
do you like experimenting when you're cooking?
-
Mmmhmm! I have recipe books... but don't tend to use them :-\ I tend to just add things as I'm going along.... most of the time it works!! We've had some pretty interesting cake concoctions ;) Peanut butter and jam, rhubarb and ginger, apple and kahula, apricot and cinnamon, lemon and kiwi.... I'd love to open up a little cake/book shop/cafe.... would be brilliant! :) Gonna make some butterscotch cupcakes later for a request for a guy at Chris' work and a pretty basic strawberry Victoria sponge for us - well, that's the plan!
I'm the same with normal cooking too....
Apart from getting better, what's your ultimate dream?
-
mmmmm I love peanut butter and jam :P
To live in a small wooded area in a house with lots of glass, next to a loch in Scotland, no worries or hassles!
Whats your favourite bit of technology - or perhaps whats the bit that you'd least like to do without!
-
That sounds heavenly! :)
I think probably my cooker :P but also, music - I couldn't live without music....
Do you have suagr in tea?
-
I only drink herbal tea (hate the taste of 'normal' tea) and, no, I dont have sugar in it
Is there a colour that helps you feel calmer?
-
No... I don't think there really is...
What is your job - and do you still enjoy it?
-
I manage a small business, I dont really like it and I'm sure the stress there contributes to my depression
Do you have a bird table/feeders?
-
No... I tried having a bird feeder but there are so many cats around, we just don't get them in the gardens around here :( Talking of cats, I've just seen a tesco delivery in and the driver pointed out a nice dead rat on the path outside my house "£" Not really helping my day along....
Whats your worst habit?
-
Eugh, I hate rats :(
Retail therapy I think
Do you like walking barefoot?
-
I do :) Chris always tells me off because i end up with dirty feet :-\ But.... unless its cold, I don't tend to bother with socks.
What is your favourite animal?
-
Difficut one, I cant decide between dogs or horses
Do you believe in the supernatural/ghosts etc?
-
I do, definitely.... I believe in pretty much the whole lot! Ghosts, spirits, angels, faeries, leprechauns.... All helps in my crazy imagination ::)
What has made you laugh today?
-
Thinking of a silly video clip a friend showed me Sunday
Is there a craft you'd like to try or learn?
-
I'm always up for anything creative. At the moment I'm getting into pickling (not myself... already quite the expert in that field ;)) and making jams, chutneys etc. I've done a few jars of bits and pieces previously, but I'm gonna get some major jarring on before Christmas!
Candle making really interests me, as does making stained glass too... I loved 'Kirsties homemade home' But the trouble was, everything she did, I was like - I wanna do it!!! ::)
What was your favourite subject at school?
-
I had hoped to do some chutney this autumn but I really dont think I'm going to have the energy, I did some pickled onions earlier in the year but they're not ready to eat yet, I did make some tinctures and glycerites in the spring, with a bit of luck I may get around to making some with the elderberries or hawthorn if the birds have left any by the time we get back from Yorkshire. I rather fancy having a go at stained glass too :)
I think English Language
Which subject did you like least at school?!
-
Sounds really good - I haven't progressed to tinctures yet though and I have no idea what glycerites is? Chris brought home some elderberry 'wine' from work yesterday - a guy makes them and the ones we have had so far have been pretty awesome... apparently this one is very potent though!!
PE definitely! I am not a 'sporty' girl by any stretch of the imagination :P
What has been the most spontaneous thing you have ever done?
-
Glycerites are made by putting fruits or herbs into glycerine for a few weeks on a sunny windowsill then straining, all the goodness stays in the glycerine, things like elderberries have lots of vit C and anti-viral properties so its good to take in winter to fend off colds etc.
Fell in love with David (OH)
would you fancy a holiday on a canal long boat?
-
Ah... interesting :)
I really would! (Is that an offer? :P)
Do you have any habits that others find 'quirky'?
-
So would I, the question only came to mind as a friend is selling up everything and buying a long boat to live on which sounds incredibly mad but wonderful!
LOL everyone think I'm weird in lots of ways! Liking jam with marmite is one of them
Is your handbag/wallet full of clutter?
-
Yes! I have quite a big bag.... since friday, it has contained - amongst many recipets, tickets etc...
Books to read
Notebooks
Pens
My purse
Chris' wallet
My mums coat
Nappy sacks
Rocks
Keys
A packet of aniseed balls with only one ball in
Moist toilet tissue
Dog lead
Steampunk style gloves
CD's
Umbrella
Fruit
Meatballs and spagetti
Car stereo
A big bottle of juice
Hairbrush
Chocolate
....and I dont even have children yet!!! :P
What is your favourite cd that you own at this moment in time?
-
OMG!!!
Relax and inspire - its new age music and I play it a lot when I'm depressed, normally I'd go for Queen or Bowie's greatest hits or similar.
What plans do you have for the weekend?
-
Wales ^-^ Now I have got work out of the way I can get excited!!! Although I can't get hold of the owners ::) I do have a hair appointment tomorrow afternoon which Chris can take me too, but I'll have to get the bus back :-\ But after that..... ^-^ I CAN'T WAIT!!
What is your idea of a perfect evening in?
-
Sounds great, what part are you going to?
having a hot bath with something in it that smells really nice then curling up on the sofa with a good book or film and possibly a large bar of chocolate!
Are you a hoarder?
-
i used to hoard land rover and wheels n tires, at one point i had 5 land rovers and 8 sets of wheels and tires, not including the sets on the land rovers
what's your best feature ?
-
You and my husband definitely have something in common, he has 2 huge sheds full of motor parts that "might come in handy one day"!
I think my hair
What do you eat for a treat?
-
choccy biscuits, yummy :)
starsky and hutch or doyle and bodie aka the professionals ?
-
im sure im worse, one corner of my bedroom has a few land rover parts and ummm well part of the dineing room has a set of bucket seats some harnesses, an intercooler and a few other things :P the sheds also full :D
ok umm i think there before my time but i do know of starsky and hutch
what was the last thing that you impulse brought ??
-
Yay! ^-^ Cornish and Seamie you are here again!
Hmm.... I'm terrible for impulse buying :P I did a big tescos online shop the other day... I figured we needed about £40 worth of stuff.... £127 and eight bags of popcorn, plus a lot of other yummy stuff later.... (I have a bit of an obsession with popcorn)
whats your favourite memory?
-
i love popcorn too )_+
not really too sure, my memory is terrible now, dont really have much of a long or short term memory now :(
i can sort of remember the day i brought my lexus soarer, it has always been a dream car, never thought i would own the rarest model of all.
what would be your ideal first date ?
-
Tescos do Sweet AND Salty popcorn - all mixed up in one big delicious bag. It is AMAZING! ;)
I think it would be an afternoon/evening one! Perhaps meet up somewhere like a zoo or a museum so that theres something to break the ice, then maybe dinner in a nice quiet cosy pub, then an evening of films and drinking games! :) Thats when you really get to know someone
What websites are on your daily list of ones to look at?
-
traditional gypsy cob association website, and any other horsey ones too.
whats your favourite flavour of crisps?
-
Walkers ready salted! I'm a simple kinda girl :P
What was the last thing you bought online?
-
oo that sounds nice i wanna try it
hmmm not really sure, i seem to buy something daily, ill have to check my ebay account. 2 land rover prop shaft uj's
whats the first thing you do in the morning ?
-
Talk to Chris when he's getting ready for work (whether I'm awake or not he seems to get some sort of conversation out of me!) then snuggle back down and go back to sleep for an hour :P
Any plans for the weekend?
-
your recycling questions again and im about to recycle an answer. work ::)
whats your favorite kitchen utensil ? i have no imagination and the first thing i saw was my herbal tea with a spoon sticking out. i like spoons but sporks are deffinitly my favorite
-
I've got a thing thats sort of between a wooden spoon and a spatula, brilliant for stir frys :)
Do you read a daily paper?
-
i love stir fry with nicely marinated tofu
nope, i avoid anything to do with news
what's your most prized possession ?
-
What sort of marinade?
a recipe book an elderly lady wrote out for me in beautiful handwriting
Do you wear hats?
-
It's normally soy sauce, onion, a random collection of herbs, garlic and chillies. But it's never the same each time
Only a hard hat for work oh n a crash helmet when I used to do motersports
Baths or showers ?
-
sounds yummy :)
depends on the time of year, baths in the winter, showers in the summer!
Whats the weather like outside now?
-
Very foggy and a bit chilly....
What time did you wake up thismorning?
-
about ten past 5 :(
What shop do you like best?
-
Any bookshop! Or stationary/art shop... The smaller and cosier of each, the better! I'm such a geek />.
What was the last book you read?
-
Dunno but the last book I skimmed through was a programming book for a control panel I was working on. Wow I have an excluding life, everything is work for me :(
Do you have lots of shoes? ( male answer no, female answer yes :p )
-
Haha you still have a sense of humour! A lot of 'well' people don't have that :P
Well, I am a girl, and no!
I have walking boots, boots which are quite steam-punkish and cool that i have had for years and wear everywhere :), old work shoes, which are small black lace up boots, new work shoes - which are flat and very practical, a pair of heeled studded black boots for when I need to dress up - oh and some sandals and 'garden shoes' which I originally bought for glastonbury as then are bright green />. oh... and wellies.... (its slowly mounting up...)
Do you own any film soundtracks?
-
LOL, I dont have many shoes either ;)
I think the only one I have is Braveheart, oh I think also one from one of the spaghetti westerns, possibly The Good The Bad and The Ugly
What magazines do you read?
-
I don't really anymore - I prefer a good book! But if I am somehwere any buy a magazine it would be Q or Bizarre or Marie Claire :)
Does anyone know any good remedies for gets rid of colds and sore throats quickly? :P (Apart from honey and lemon, I'm drinking that by the bucketload!)
-
For sore throats I make cadromom syrup, it always works for me, and its good for coughs too, I will also drink lots of fluids and take things with high vit C like rosehip syrup.
Cardomom syrup:
Crush 2tbs green cardomoms, put in saucepan with 2 cups water and simmer gently with lid for about half an hour. Strain out cardomom and return liquid to pan, add 1 cup sugar and bring to the boil, boil till reduced by half and syrup begins to thicken, add the juice of half a lemon, bring to the boil again, remove from heat and bottle. Take 1 tsp as needed.
What sort of sweets do you like best?
-
I think I shall have to give that a go, thanks :)
I love Jelly babies :) I used to have a massive obsession with extra strong mints.... but now I just do like a 'normal' person and keep a pack in my bag :P I'm not really a big sweetie type of person - more nuts and popcorn or crisps (occasionaly)
Who is your favourite comedian?
-
Again showing my age, Dave Allen (think he's probably dead now)
What smell do you love?
-
freshly baled hay. whats your favourite breed of dog ?
-
Australian Shepherd ^-^ (But then I am biased...) I like big dogs, malmutes, alsations, huskies, akitas, st bernards.... ^&*
What song lyrics sum up an event in your life right now?
-
oh my sense of humor will never leave me, i wont let it, its always been a little strange though :P
dizzee rascal, bonkers comes to mind at first but i have to say that today hasn't been a good day for me, other than for about an hour. so i think im going to go with hi-gate, i can hear voices :(
but happily this forum makes me think of olive, your not alone :)
what are you thinking about right now ??
-
i,m thinking, i wish i could just take too the road and travel round the country. theres so much of this beautiful country too see and visit. i would like too visit all the the stone circles :)
heres one for the grease monkey, scooby or evo ?
-
Visiting all the stone circles sounds wonderful, something I 'd love to do :)
Can't answer that one so will have to pass!
-
definitely an evo due to the un natural flat four in the scoobie, real engines are v shaped :P for me the flat for is just half a saggy v8 :P
another one for petrol heads
feul injection or carbs ??
if your not a petrol head then whats your favorite possession ??
-
Fun stuff ?
What would I like to do if I could today? Well have a lovely massage, then off to somewhere warm, beautiful and looking over the ocean where dolphins are swimming, and finish the day off seeing my 5 grandchildren ages, 2 to 6 yrs old, and playing games. Oh I wish. By the way it is raining here "£" !!! Depina XX
-
Just realised I should have asked a question :-[ !!
If you could meet anyone you wanted to who would it be and why ? Depina XX
-
it would probably be maurice wilks. the genius behind the land rover design thats basically the same after 60 years. i would love to know a few reasons behind little details that not many people notice but are very important to me.
hmm i cant seem to get land rovers of my mind at the moment :) i cant actually think of anyone else at the moment ::) might have to get back to this question later
whats your pet hate ??
-
rude and ignorant people.
john wayne or clint eastwood??
-
Clint Eastwood :)
What is your favourite Sunday roast?
-
umm pasta bake lol, thats what i had for christmas lunch this year haha. i dont really eat roast havent eaten meat for over 14 years and im not a huge fan of roast vegetables either but i do love a yorkshire pudding :)
what super hero power would you choose and why ??
-
Superman, probably because I grew up with him and I never really liked batman who was around at te same timr
Chinese or Indian food?
-
Hmmm that is tricky! I do love a good curry, but you cannot beat some seaweed and some crispy chilli beef.... I'm gonna go Chinese :)
Where in the world would you love to travel to if both your illness and money would let you?
-
I think New Zealand, everyone I know thats been there says its an amazing place
Would you fancy a world cruise in a posh liner?
-
nope dont like water
coke or pepsi ?
-
Coke every time
Do you have any piercings?
-
never intensionally, but a bit of wire though a finger, a dry sky slope bristle thing inside my knee, glass thought my little finger, still a small piece of that in my hand, a bet involving a stapler and hmm im sure there's others lol, im very accident prone. but nothing proper and only the glass that i know is still in there, along with a few random small bits of metal :o
what's your earliest memory ?
-
Saying goodbye to my bedroom in our old house before we moved into a church - must have been about... 2 / 2 and a half...
When was the last time you were on a plane?
-
when I was 15 or 16 (I hate flying - another one of my phobias)
Whats the weather like where you are?
-
It's loverly, I'm sat on the bonnet of my van in the shade under a tree watching some birds, haveing a bit of a relax for once :). But paranoid I'm going to get s**t on by them lol
what's your favourite smell??
-
LOL, a bit of bird poo wont hurt too much ;)
I think newly baled hay :)
If you were well and money was no object what sort of holiday would you like?
-
Drive my land rover up to Scotland and take the ferry to Greenland and drive to the ice caves for a nice little walk.
Do you own a spork ? I've lost my stainless steel one :(
-
that sounds amazing :)
no, Ive heard of them but dont possess one
do you like salad or prefer a hot meal?
-
a proper meal definitely. roast beef and yorkshire puds, yum yum
who,s your favourite 007 bond ?
-
Roger Moore
What sort of TV programes do you like to watch?
-
used to be stuff like csi, ncsi n that sort of thing
what are you doing right now ??
-
I've just finished loading half of all the photos we took onto Facebook - I'm not sure anyone would want to trudge through 482(!!) pictures!! :P
have you any strange 'likes' that no-one else gets?
-
Omg that must have taken ages :o
I have some food tastes that David (and some others) think are weird, marmite and jam, cheese and chocolate digestives, salt on strawberries for example
What are you having for dinner?
-
omg i do marmite and jam, i thought i was the only one, digestives with cheese and tomato toasted is nice too
before i stopped eating normally i would always have strange stuff. i would eat an ice lolly while eating a meal , umm i know theres others but i cant think of them
im eating a few handfulls of sunflower, pumpkin, sesamie, flax, hemp and rape seeds
has anything good come from your illness ?? for me as ive worked so hard all the time ive been given a nice pay rise :)
-
I had some pumpkin seeds with my salad tonight :) That was after chopping the tip of my thumb off while cutting up the cabbage :( using a knife when really tired and a bit spaced out wasnt the best of ideas :( blood everywhere too ::)
I think I've learned I need to look after myself better, just hope I can remember once I get well again.
Do you watch the x factor?
-
Yeah.... I always say I'm not going to, but end up doing so ::) Gary Barlow is definetly getting better with age....
what would you save if your house was on fire?
-
ouch, i did that a few months ago at work and fixed it with tape, was like normal to stubborn to go to hospital even after it was still bleeding after 7 hours, steri strips sorted that out with some help of a lot of orange spray stuff the chemist told me to use after i refused to listen to them about going to hospital
i have no idea, hmm probably as many land rover parts as possible ::)
do you mind watching films with subtitles??
-
I LOVE watching films with subtitles :P I love listening to different languages, especially French! I bought A French CD today that we found in the cottage whilst we were away - have no idea whats they are singing about, but it sounds so beautiful.
What was the last thing you made?
-
im constantly makeing things at work but for me i made a bracket for my land rover :) was only a bit of 12mm stainless with 2 small holes and a big hole.
what are you thinking about now ??
-
You Cornish ! I guess you are really into landrovers? Ha Ha. Also thinking about the people on the forums and wishing there was a magic pill we could all take to make us better!
What exercise makes you feel good?
-
yes i am, i used to be far worse. only just managed to start making attempts to do a bit of work on her to get her back on the road.
that pill sounds like a good idea :)
hmm the most strenuous exercise i used to do a lot was land rover trailing, walking the sections is tiring and driving it with huge tyres through deep mud with no power steering builds up a bit of sweat. i would end the day and i would be cold, wet, covered in mud and tired but it was so much fun and getting a clear section or completing a punch on a section that was in the class above me made me feel really good :)
what are your plans for tomorrow ??
-
I think when you can en the day exhausted but smiling - its a good day!! :)
I have the doctor in the morning... not really sure how to handle that one :-\ Then I've gotta have a bit of a tidy up because my parents are coming down so they can come to an appointment with me on Wednesday.
What are you really proud of?
-
Can no-one think of anything they are proud of? :-\
You all should be so proud of yourselves - we're all here fighting an illness that has the ability to kill us and we are waking up every single day and fighting it just by getting out of bed in the morning! Yes - its bloody hard, but we're all still doing it and that is something to really really take pride in! Also, the fact that you are all posting on here - you are opening up and sharing how you are feeling with the rest of us - you are supporting all of us even if you don't feel like it somedays but you are, just knowing we are not alone in this gives us the strength we need to stick two fingers up to this illness and keep fighting it!!
Not to mention the fact that some of you have children, produce beautiful artwork, are still continuing to go to work through all of this and have got into uni. I know that each of those things are terrifying in their own right - but you have done that!! Please guys- take credit for the things you achieve in life, even if it is tiny because we need all of the stength we can get - and a lot of that strength has to come from within.
Anyway - back to making my bakewell cupcakes! I'll let someone else figure out a question - sorry if it seems like a bit of a rant!
&*( to all of you xx
-
Its strange, things I would have been proud of in the past seem insignificant nowdays, I suppose if there is anything it would be that I was verging on alcoholic 18 months ago and have been given the strength not to touch the stuff any more.
Do you loke walking in the woods?
-
:) I know its the depression, but please remember that the things that you once had pride in are significant. They haven't changed, its just this damned illness and how it makes our mind black out any piece of goodness.
I love walking in the woods - one of my favourite things to do. Especially when it is raining, or has been raining and we can go with our wellies and get all muddy :)
What is your favourite flavour cupcake?
-
I love the woods too, I must find the oomph to get out there and do some walking when I'm not so tired in the afternoons after work.
Well, I'm allergic to wheat and I dont eat eggs so I dont really eat normal cake ::) but its possible to make very respectable sponge cakes without either, I think the best ones I've ever tasted were ones a friend made with elderflower and rose flavoured icing, sounds weird but tastes fantastic :P
Oops forgot the question, do drink out of mugs or cups?
PS how did your appointment go?
-
Oooo it sounds interesting! I've just made some Bakewell ones - I've had a few recently that haven't gone quite to plan, but I fail to see how you can go wrong with a Bakewell cake!! Thats a bummer being allergic to wheat :-[ Guess it makes you pretty inventive though!!
I drink out of mugs.... I do like a nice posh teacup, but judging by my track record of breaking things, its not generally a good idea - I'm like that woman out of Keeping Up Appearances!! Chris actually bought me a plastic mug at Christmas to go in my stocking ::) I am quite particular when it comes to which mug to use though.... I have my favourites for tea, coffee and herbal tea.... apparently thats a bit 'strange' but drinks taste different out of different mugs!! :-\
My appointment went ok thankyou - I was in and out within 5 minutes, said he thinks everything is going ok and as I havent got any worse he's gonna keep me on the same meds. He did give me a bit of a look when I said I was still working nights, but I explained that the day shift was just too much at the moment and I am limiting myself to one night a week - he seemed quite happy with that. So just gotta wait to hear from the Mental Health Team now - I think the doctor has given up trying to cure my nightmares :-[ Said perhaps they will have some sort of answer... *shrugs* xx
Do you have 'human' conversations with any of your pets?
-
I use spelt flour which is the nearest I can get to wheat without affecting me too much, I quite like experimenting, I've even managed eggless macaroons that tasted like the real thing!
Different drinks definitely taste different in different recepticals :)
Sounds like your doc is fairly pleased, just hope you dont have to wait too long for the mental health team to get in touch, I've no answer to nightmares but I do know cheese is supposed to make people dream more vividly if they eat it in the evening.
Oh most definitely, I chatter away to them all the time :)
-
i havent got any pets, but ive talked to the bathroom window one night as i was sure there was a witch in the glass. no idea why :(
whats your favorite place ??
-
Perranuthnoe ;) Cornish - you should take a drive down there and see it, its such a lovely peaceful place.
Do you prefer jam or marmite in croissants?
-
i did a bit of work down the road from there in marazion, dont think ive been there though. will do someday
both at the same time, umm well i like them like that on toast, hmm actually i just eat them plain most of the time. dunno when i last had one though
what do you like to have for breakfast ?
-
My sister used to live in Marazion :) I love it - but its a bit busy for me :P
Hmmm... well, coffee is a must
I'm getting a bit naughty with food again.... as in, not really eating much. If I do though its usually something sweet, a waffle or something similar
Do you like taking photographs?
-
deffinitly a must for me,caffine affects me now though :( im the same at the moment, diet of seeds and oat cakes at the moment :( got my self drinking pure fruit just too though :)
not really
do you ever eat things that arent food ?? i only ask as i eat lolly pops all the time and i end up eating the cardboard sticks ::)
-
I go mad taking them from time to time, I do try to remember to take a camera when I go for walks but often forget ::)
what do you eat on crumpets?
-
Marmite, I love the stuff
what's the last thing you laughted at?
-
Oh yum, so do I :P
Something daft one of the dogs did :)
Do you buy lots of stuff on line?
-
Marmite makes me happy! ^-^
I'm terrible for buying stuff online.... buying stuff in general! :P But books and cds.... :-\ My weakness I'm afraid, especially books....
Do you like spicy food?
-
Yes unless its searingly hot.
When you were a child what did you want to do when you grew up?
-
A vet :)
I actually used to play vets and draw scratches on my arms that obviously I would have got from all the animals.... ::)
Either that or a nurse, but I think every little girl goes through a phase of wanting to be a nurse...
Have you ever been to Glastonbury?
-
I wanted to be a vet too :)
Sadly not :(
Did anything nice happen today?
-
Yes I met a friend and had a walk and had coffee in a cafe, fell asleep this afternoon though. On the whole a good day.
How do you celebrate Christmas?
-
That does sound good :)
Erm, I dont!
Do you prefer sweet or savoury foods?
-
Savoury - I sometimes have a massive craving for sweets, but its not long before I start to feel a little poorly.
Do you pronounce scones as in owns or as in gones?
-
Gones
Is where you live minimalistic or full of momentos and ornaments?
-
It's cosy :) Not so many ornaments but lots of books, blankets, candles, rugs, comfy sofas....
I couldn't do minimalistic, I'm not organised enough!!
What are your plans for tomorrow?
-
I've got a treat booked for the morning, I'm going for an aromatherapy treatment :)
Are you scared of creepy crawlies?
-
Lucky you - enjoy and relax, you definetly deserve it :)
I am... spiders and moths really. I'm trying to overcome the spiders one because i don't mind little ones and I don't mind dandly-long legs, so I just gotta sort myself out with the big ones! :-\ Moths though.... *shudders* They are too hairy!! I don't like them one bit....
What is your favourite board game?
-
monopoly
whats the last pleasant dream you remember ?
-
Gosh I hardly ever remember dreams and I do not like dreaming as if I do I feel really tired as if I have actually done what I dreamt about. Sorry can't remember a nice dream !! :-[
What is your favourite wild animal?
-
probably the barn owl. there so beautiful and graceful.
jam or marmalade ??
-
Jam - I'm gonna make some damson jam today :)
How did you come up with your screenname?
-
Our dog howls when the phone rings.... sometimes, once we get the pause before they speak, we just hold the phone out to the dog ;)
-
its a relations name, who has sadly passed on.
blue peter or magpie,
-
there might not be too many oldies that remember magpie so which icecream? strawberry or vanilla?
-
Cheeky!
Vanilla every time
When was the last time you just sat and watched nature?
-
Sunday morning :)
Who was the last person that made you smile?
-
Someone I met Sunday but cant rmember their name!
Do you like classical music?
-
yes i love it, used to get funny looks in my lexus as it was illegally loud when i drove hard but i would be driving along blasting out classical music :)
do you like humous ?
-
No I don't but I am not sure exactly what it is !! :-[
What would prefer, to be a plumber,window cleaner, or a spy? and Why?
-
A window cleaner ss I'd be out in the fresh air
What sorts of books do you read?
-
land rover magazine, not really a book but umm well its made from paper and has words n stuff :)
whats your funniest memory ?
-
Why am I not surprised? ;)
When someone I worked with told us how his cat set light to his kitchen, I know it desnt sound funny but the way he told it had the whole office roaring with laughter
Who do you admire the most?
-
I can't think of one particular person but I do admire people that do what they believe in. I think its all too easy to sit back and let life wash over you - get a boring job that you drag yourself to every day, watch mainstream films all the time, listen to chart music because everyone else does, do whats expected of you and no more.... But those who find what they love and who are proud and happy to enjoy life the way they want to live it, really inspire me. People that are happy with themselves :)
Do you love any really bad movies?
-
i love kung pow, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yptxs4I7xBA (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yptxs4I7xBA)
its funny bit its a terrible film really
what was the last film you watched ?
-
Starship Troopers, just now :P
What was the last thing you ate?
-
awesome film.
sesame seeds soaked in soy sauce
whats your favorite snack?? (bet its popcorn for munch :P )
-
Chocolate!
Barn dancing, ballroom or disco?
-
only ever experienced disco, but i love hard dance and drum n bass/ dub step. dancing to that is a wonderful work out :)
whats your favorite song ?
-
Yeah... popcorn :-\
At the moment 'Ruin' by The Pierces - or 'Knights in White satin' by the Moody Blues, changes so often though
Are you a morning bird or a night owl?
-
Not good in the morning, better at night usually but saying that I can get panicky at night.
What is you favourite item of clothing?
-
The post changed before I could reply byt I'm still going to say my favourite song is Miley Cyrus- Simple Song. It's absolutley B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L because the lyrics speak mounds which I can releate to my life and how I feel day in day out. Seriously, listen to it and LISTEN TO THE WORDS. Its a stunning song and I swear you'll fall in love with it and probably feel better :) It actually made me cry :L :')
Anyway to answer your question Depina its my boyfriends hoodie from New York :')
What are you most grateful for in your life?
-
my rigger boots, there really comfy :) but i have big feet and the things are huge, there so big they have bloody pockets on them lol, made the mistake of putting my phone in them and jumped out of the land rover into a deep puddle.... oops lol
dam it, it changed again.
im most grateful for this forum and the members here, especially munchroom, she has been a wonderful help to me and i think i owe her my life
do you have any hobbies ?
-
Uh yeh a bit musical ;)
I play violin, guitat, piano and ukulele :)
How was your day? :)
-
wow, that amazing ;D
not wonderful yesterday :(
Whats your favourite colour?
-
green, actually im not really sure but the first thing i saw was a green hedge out of the window :P
what's the first thing you do in the morning ?
-
LOL
Feed the dogs
What are you planning to do tomorrow?
-
nothing all weekend hopefully, but ive just realized its a bank holiday, so thats 3 days of hell for me :(
-
Oh Cornish hope you have a better weekend than you are expecting XX
-
OOps forgot to ask a question!
A Holiday skiing (cold) or hot (sunbathing/walking etc ?
-
i like the cold and hate being too hot so thats an easy one for me.
do you have any unusual abilities ?
-
oh and i didnt ask a question either so its ok
-
Have a good rest cornish, I'll keep my eye on line in case you need someone to talk to &*(
-
Hi Cornish I don't like being cold. I feel like going into hibernation - Like a hedgehog !!
Do you prefer sailing, flying, bus or train?
-
thanks zaf.
i prefer to drive my self or walk, i dont trust any sort of public transport.
do you have any tattoos ?
-
Yes I have two, a butterfly at the top of my leg and my chinese birth sign on my bikini line :)
Do you have any piercings?
-
nothing at all, did put a screwdriver though my arm one day does that count ?? i fixed it with tape :)
what's your favorite possession ??
-
Eugh, I dont think so :o
A handwritten recipe book given to me by a very elderly lady :)
Do you drink herbal teas?
-
I wasn't really online yesterday - consoling a very lovesick dog and doing a drawing inspired by Hope123 :) So have only just read through the last page or two. Cornish &*( I was very moved by what you said you were grateful for - not sure how to get it across online!! But thankyou :) Aswell as Zaf, I will also be keeping an eye out to make sure you are ok over the weekend.
I do drink herbal teas :) I have a small cupboard FULL of different teas.... my favourite at the moment is 'Oriental spiced' Quite liquoricey! I have to admit though.... the craving for a good cup of coffee quite often wins over ::)
Have you ever worked on Christmas Day?
-
I honestly cant remember!
What are you hoping to do today?
-
Have a bit of a tidy up in the garden and cause unparalleled destruction to our shed />. (which has need ripping down ever since we moved in....)
What colour is your hair?
-
Its brown but I have it coloured lighter
Do you like housework?
-
When I'm feeling upto it, I love it.... I'm a bit of a clean freak :-\ Monica Gellar from Friends.... Yup, thats me :P
Are you growing any veg this year?
-
Yes lots, but its got dreadfully weedy since I got ill this time as I cant find the energy to tackle it :(
What do you have for breakfat?
-
How are you today Zaf?
I LOVE porridge and had it this morning.
Do you have an exercise routine?
-
Improving thank you Dephina :)
When I feel well enough I'll do yoga between 15mins and a hour
Do you have a bird table?
-
I wasn't really online yesterday - consoling a very lovesick dog and doing a drawing inspired by Hope123 :) So have only just read through the last page or two. Cornish &*( I was very moved by what you said you were grateful for - not sure how to get it across online!! But thankyou :)
well im not sure i actually expressed how thankful i am for your help :)
a table made from birds hmmm i dont think so :P but no i dont have a bird table, i would end up eating all the seeds anyway :P
what's your favorite snack ?
-
It varies but at the moment Bombay mix
Do you like or hate thunder?
-
Hahaha Cornish :) You do make me laugh!
I love thunder - but only if Chris is home, if not I hate it and am terrified of it :P
Who would win in a fight, Chuck Norris or Steven Seagul? (Segal ;))
-
ah good :)
pointless question imo, blatantly chuck norris.. chuck norris is awesome and he was a wold champion. steven segal is now just a tubby old man.
do i have to start quoting chuck notice things to prove my point.
should oat cakes and urinal cakes be made to drop the cake part, there not bloody cakes ??
-
Ha Ha I definately agree with you Cornish, they're not!
And Hedgehog crisps -- how odd !
What animal are you most like and why?
-
ive never heard of those
hmm possibly a monkey, im always the one that ends up clambering about climbing odd stuff at work to get a job done. once had to put a socket on the side of a chimney about 12 stories up. dont ask why, i still dont know and haven't seen anyone use it yet
hmm on that subject what's the strangest thing you've been asked to do ?
-
Well, recently in my job I have had to assure a 93 year old lady she is not pregnant and also this morning I had to check another ladies wrists we're with us and that we hadn't left them in her bedroom..... They are little things that are taken in good humour and made light of when dealing with a resident with dementia, but on reflection, it makes you realise how fortunate we are to not know what is around the corner.
How do you plan to spend your bank holiday monday?
-
I have the most enormous admiration that you care for elderly people with dementia.
Getting our little caravan ready for our trip to Yorkshire next weekend, a whole week on a site on the moors almost in the middle of nowhere :)
Do you like salad?
-
yeap , would be rude not to as im a vegetarian :)
do you like sherbert ?
-
LOL, me too, when you're feeling better one day we'll have to swap recipes :)
Yes love it :)
Do you like the beach?
-
i dont really do recipes, i just chuck stuff in n hope for the best now, used to do them though. umm actually i basically just eat seeds now ::)
not really a huge fan, sand feels strange
what do you love to cook for your self ??
-
I tend to eat junk and comfort food when I'm feeling bad and crave for sweet and carbohydrate things.
I like to cook currys and other indian food like dhal
Where are you right now?
-
Hi everyone ! I am in the dining room waiting for the water to warm up for a bath as I was bitten in the garden yesterday and feel that will help. Jumpy 'cause you know who- behind me all the time! AGH Rushing this ! Got up and fell over - really dizzy this morn. Hope all is well with you XX
Do you like playing Scrabble?
-
Ouch, hope your bath makes you feel better :(
Yes I love it when my brain is working OK
Whats the weather like today?
-
Dull again "£" Not sure what some of these signs are ! Is one skittles and beer? and one is eating something! Whats with him with the viking helmet!
Yeh bath was good
What was your favourite book when you were small?
-
The folk of the far away tree. So enchanting, my first experience of not being able to put a good book down, think I was about 6.
What is your favourite sweet treat?
-
Cadburys chocolate - yummy !!
What food would you never eat?
-
Meat, fish, fowl and eggs (I'm veggie) I also avoid dairy products most of the time.
Do you drink tea out of cups or mugs?
-
a good builders mug of hot steaming tea with soya milk and 1/2 a sugar ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
when was the last time you couldn't help but laugh out loud in public?
-
Sunday 9th August, a friend showed me a funny video
What would your favourite meal be?
-
That is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO difficult! but at the moment just today I'm going to go with onion bhaji and pops and pics to start, a tali of chana daal, a mushroom and cashewnut curry I do, green corriander paneer and spinach curry, and a big warm naan bread all washed down with a frosty beer ice cold from the freezer. YEAH BABY!!!!!!!!!!!! $%$
Who is your favourite comedian?
-
That sounds delicious :)
Dave Allen ( now sadly dead)
Who is your favourite singer or band?
-
I love Annie Lennox, Barbra Streisand, and loved the Beatles - shows how old I am AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG !!!!! and I like Will Youngs new album, what I have heard so far anyway.
What is your most ghastliest food ever? Not sure it's spelt right !!
:P I feel sick
-
From my childhood, before I became veggie, liver YUK
What are you doing today?
-
met friends for tea/coffee/chat at their house by the sea while husbands play snooker. Just Back
What was your best buy/bargain?
-
Probably mt present car
Do you like watching documentaries?
-
used to but i very rarely watch tv now.
whats your favorite sound ?
-
The sound of the sea and the waves
What do you hate the most at the dentist? :P
-
The drill :(
What can you see out ofbyour window?
-
Where I am now? - A wall !!
What is your view?
-
i can just about see a street light and its too bloody bright :(
favorite ice cream ??
-
vanilla.
whats your favourite chocolate milk chocolate or dark chocolate ?
-
ive read the book smirfy but i didnt know they had made it into a film.
probably a song by the inspiral carpets called this is how it feels,
this is how it feels to be lonely
and this is how it feels to be small
and this is how it feels,
when your world means nothing at all
-
I'm not supposed to eat chocolate cos I have problems with caffiene but definitely milk chocolate
What colours do you wear the most often?
-
purply pinky greens.
what's been the highlight of your summer?
-
Teaching two of our horses to work together as a pair in a carriage
What vegetable do you like best?
-
cucumber.
what is your favourite piece of art?
-
It tends to depend on how I'm feeling, at the moment its The Key by Jackson Pollock, I like a lot of his work but occasionally if my brain is in turmoil a lot of it seems too 'busy' for my eyes and brain.
Do you like looking round stately homes?
-
I don't get telemarketers but if I did I would be trying all of these!!
-
Sylvia played by Gwyneth Paltrow. Amazing film!!!
-
Yes I do ,do you?
What stately homes have you visited?
-
yes :)
Blickling, Oxburgh Hall, Felbrigg, Scone Palace, I think another couple in Scotland that I cant remember their names, not sure about any others.
Do you like wandering round in churches and churchyards?
-
I am interested in church's particularly the small old ones with lots of character, Grave yards are interesting but not a place I would go to often !! Ha Ha!! ;)
Would you prefer the History museum in London or the one with the animals - can't remember the name - :-\
-
Definitely the history museum
Do you bother to read newspapers?
-
It made me smile too, I'll have to send a copy to a frienw who's a cat lover :)
-
no. yesterdays news today.
hot weather or cooler weather ?
-
cooler definitely.
strong or mild cheese ?
-
Strong :-[
What are you hoping to do tomorrow?
-
after friends calling for coffee at 11am we have guests coming to our B & B just for1 night. do you like boats/sailing?
-
Absolutely and utterly not, i'm seasick even in a rowing boat :(
what do you look forward most that you can do when you get better?
-
to travel and to do something really exciting like going to do volunteer work in Africa.
If you were a nurse, would you like to work with elderly patients, babies, or teenagers? - Why?
-
Elderly patients but not sure why
Are you reading any books at the moment, if so what?
-
Just started it yesterday,it is African Nights by Kuki Gallmann, a very interesting story of a woman and her family living in Kenya and all the animals they encounter and trials and tribulations, would recommend it.
What would you enjoy most if you were an eskimo?
-
The northern lights
Do you watch soaps on TV?
-
Not now - depressing !!
what would you change the most if you had your life over again?
-
had a friday off work to go to a party on the thursday, was then asked at the last minuit to work friday. i ended up driveing and not drinking, the accident happened on the way to the party. should have said no to working and i wouldnt be like this anymore.
would you like to design and build your own house if you could ?
-
Yes, a very ecologically friendly one
What makes you smile?
-
Summer... Sitting on a beach with legs buried in the sand, eyes closed and breathing in salty air and sun rays. Tranquility.
Who inspires you?
-
Gwyneth Paltrow is an inspiration.
if you could go and sit in one place in the world where would it be and why?
-
The edge of the earth so I could stare at the sun in the day and stars in the night.. and see beautiful things about nature and remind myself why I'm here..
Love of your life is..?
-
never fallen in love.
love of your life???
-
Chocolate... Always reliable ^-^
Best friend..?
-
dont think i even have any friends any more :(
have you ever tried to trick your boiler ? (peep show reference) watch this before you answer http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXmIOub22qI&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXmIOub22qI&feature=related)
-
We're your friends mate
That clip is hillarious!!!!!!
Have you ever ACTUALLY slipped on a banana skin? I have!!! ::)
-
HA HA and me too !
I must watch the clip
Have you ever ridden on an elephant? (I have)
-
ive slippped on one too.
nope :(
have you ever named an inanimate object ? ive named most of my cars ::)
-
yes my teddies and dollies when I was little
What daring thing would yoou like to do?
-
They also made me laugh
Thanks
-
Be able to dance with people at a party without feeling like an utter twonk with no clothes on and a big neon sign hanging over me that says 'look at me I'm embarrassed!'
What would your dream celebrity dinner party list (max 5) be. dead or alive.
-
Ooo thats a good one...
I'm gonna go for:
Charlie Brooker
Eva Green
Jim Morrison
Michael Palin
and um.... Zooey Deschanel
:)
What is your guilty pleasure?
-
Cheesey Quavers by the family-packfull at the moment. It's the MSG!!! I can't get enough it's a shocker. With a beer.
If you were invisible for a day what would you do?
-
Cause lots and lots of harmless mischeif ;)
Who is your favourite singer/songwriter?
-
Not sure if its Lennon or Bowie
Do you have a favourite saying?
-
It'll be fiiiiine! ::)
What are you upto this-evening?
-
Not much, had a small sensible meal, a bath, fed the dogs and wont be long for bed, I know it seems incredibly early but I feel exhausted tonight
What are you listening to/watching right now?
-
That sounds like a good plan for the evening :)
I am currently listening to my mixed usb stick *&^ It has all sorts... right NOW, Its Amy Winehouse - Love is a Losing Game... but in a minute it could be... literally, anything, its pretty varied. OOOh hang on, its Alanis Morrisette - So Unsexy :)
What are you looking forward to?
-
Apart from getting properly well again, a short break in a little cottage in November that I've just booked
Do you find any accents sexy?!
-
Scottish ;) (But in a Ewan McGregor way, not in a Rab C Nesbitt way :P)
What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
-
i think it was a preview of inception, but im not too sure.
what was the first film you can remember going to the cinema to see ??
-
Little Women - with my mum. I was thinking about it last night and its actually quite a sad memory. I was having a tough time at school and she took me to try and take my mind off of it... It was such a lovely thing to do but I don't know why everytime I remeber something like that I go to pieces...
Anyway, I digress...
Whats your worst habit?
-
randomly cutting bits off my hair when it gets on my nerves !
What is you favourite barbecue food?
-
Garlic barbequed mushrooms! I'm not a veggie... but i do like a good garlicked up peice of veg! :P
What is your favourite curry?
-
I like most vegetarian currys, I think the recipe I have for yellw split pea dhal is a favourite.
What country's food do you like best?
-
ooooh, thats a really hard one! I don't think I can pick a favourite!! I was amazed at how much I liked Polish food though - that was nice, but I love (mild) curries.... and I dont think I could live without italian sauces, meat and pastas! Very very tricky...
What is your favourite ice cream?
-
Dairy starts off my IBS so I eat vegan ice cream (which is delicious), the chocolate is my favourite even though I shouldnt eat it because of the caffiene content!
What are you planning for the weekend?
-
work, like normal. but for once i really dont want to :o
where is your favorite place ?
-
Somehow that sounds positive thst you dont really want to work cornsh
Perthshire, not sure which part I'd choose as the best bit.
Do you prefer a duvet or blankets?
-
Duvets!-I hide under it enough !!
What do you prefer, films or live theatre?
-
Films
What sort of sport do you like watching?
-
naked rugby............. hey it could happen and if it did it would be my fav sport to watch.
Whats your favorite season
-
Autumn
Do you prefer dinner or pudding?
-
Dinner, im more of a savory person.
If you could design a fair ground ride, what would it be and what would you call it?
-
http://www.geekologie.com/2008/11/good_idea_man_submits_drawing.php (http://www.geekologie.com/2008/11/good_idea_man_submits_drawing.php)
-
;D />.
-
Good one ;D ;D ;D
-
Have you seen Simons Cat? The new one double trouble is just fab!
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9oxmRT2YWw
:D
-
FUNNY !!! poor baby
-
ha ha!!! %$%
-
haha awesome
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctVGRgNt0e8&feature=related
Its Bradley's face that makes me laugh, how he is trying to keep in his laugh haha
-
Wont load on my ipad, will have to wait till I get to work to look at it :(
-
That is so childishly devine!!! It made me giggle!!!
-
Laughter is so infectious isnt it :) x
-
hi nick
so funny!! bradley's face is class lol ;D
-
Yes
We need more laughter---Bring it on !!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D />.
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw
-
;D Thanks - this never fails to crack me up xx
-
seen it before but it never fails to make me smile, thanks
-
Ok... like the 'An Idea' thread, this has just popped into my highly imaginative (for today at least!) mind... May work, may not, but here is the plan....
Each day, is a new letter of the alphabet... so today, as it is the first day will be A. You post a word that describes you, or how you are feeling or is a part of something you do... anything really :P, beginning with that letter and it has to be positive! Tomorrow will be B and so on.... It'll get us thinking about out positive features and possibly give us the oppounity to learn a little more about each other.... :)
Ok, so here goes....
A
I am.... Artistic...
-
I am Affectionate :-*
-
I am amazing!!!
-
should we not have moved on to B now?
I am brilliant (ahem)
-
I am brave
-
I am a Care Assistant
-
I am devoted ( to my cat) ^&^ ^&^
-
I am.... evil >:D
-
I am... Friendly :) (Most of the time >:D)
-
I am generous particularly when it comes 2 my daughter :D
-
I am Happy
Just kidding!
...I am Hoping I will see the light at the end of this dark tunnel "£"
-
The hug machine.
It would give the biggest hugs, best hugs ever!
What is your favourite book?
-
He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes.
-
Two penguins happen to spot Concorde flying over.
"I wish I could fly like that"
"you would if your bum was on fire!"
^*^
-
Haha That was from a certain biscuit wrapper was it ?
-
Oh I dunno, I was about 5 when I first heard it! haha
-
Ah right, I can barely remember yesterday let alone when i was 5 and I'm only 24
-
That and the shoes are about all I remember!
-
This clip is great....imagine feeling happiness like this little fella.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oN_C-c63uQ4&feature=fvst
-
and a bit geeky.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgAlQuqzl8o&feature=g-all&list=PLE2177282292B25A2
-
:)
-
Aww :) I love how all the other penguins are just standing there like "He's not with us".. haha :D
-
Anyone know what made him so happy? I'll have some of that!
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDZcGz4vmJc
It made me smile
-
Priceless ;D He tried so hard not to laugh, that is true determination
-
No idea what made him so happy, but I second that on 'I'll have some of that'.......haha I think the other penguins are just jealous!!! Wish I was this little fella
-
Haha this is excellent, thanks HSS1982 that's just what I needed tonight :)......HMS Ocean here I come, looks like good fun on there (and some lovely looking lads on there too :) )
-
I thought you might like some of the lads! I like the bit when they spell out 'Merry Xmas from HMS Ocean'
-
he is gorgeous! :)
-
I love it too :)
-
ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% I would have given him 100%
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* it will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ??
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
-
;D Thats student is an absolute genius! Thanks for making me smile Ezel xx
-
Brilliant!
-
Made me giggle. Thanx Ezel.
S x
-
*thumbs up* made me smile, thanks x
-
It was posted in a Yahoo group I belong to £$%
-
:/
-
hmm...as a new forum user im not getting the hang of this just yet...just posted in the wrong place. sorry guys!
-
What's brown and sticky?
A Stick!
hahahaha
I love that one >:D
-
Very Good ;D ;D
S x
-
:D One of my favorites....
What's blue and white and if it fell out of a tree on top of you, it would kill you?
A fridge-freezer wearing a denim jacket
-
;D ;D
S x
-
Did you hear about the trumpet player that found a weed in his garden?
He Rootetootoot
-
;D ;D
S x
-
2 muffins are in the oven.
One turns to the other and says "Cor its hot in here!"
The other one screams "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN"
keeps me entertained for ages that joke does...
-
:D
-
;D
S x
-
Seen it a few times and makes me laugh every time :D
-
i am Frugal and keep everything.
-
I am generous
-
I am God.
-
I am trying my hardest to be Hopeful
-
I'm .....imagitive
-
I am shy (believe it or not ;)).
S x x x x
-
I can Achieve whatever I want in from life
-
I am beautiful
-
Why are most kitchen appliances so damned hard to get really clean? All the tiny spaces where fingers or little brushes cant get into are a nightmare, I'm sure if women designed these things we'd make sure they would be much easier
Mini rant over ;)
-
;D ;D ;D that is so true Zaf.
S x x x x
-
Most hotel rooms are designed by men, there is never a plug socket next to the mirror with the best light.....
-
Thats so true Kate
-
And kitchens, not enough plug sockets and in the wrong place....
-
Craig did our kitchen so I have loads of plug sockets, its great.
S x x x x
-
David put lots in for me when we did ours too :)
-
So funny :D
-
I am geeky
-
I am quackers. >:D
-
A man gets home from the pub one night.
He says to the Mrs, "Hey, my mate Jimmy down the pub reckons he's slept with every woman in this street, except one"
The Mrs promptly replies, "Aye, I bet it's that stuck up mare at number 48"
=+- +-_ $%$ :D ;) :o :-* ^-^
-
::) :D
-
(http://depressionforums.co.uk/dpf/mobiquo/emoji/E00E.png)(http://depressionforums.co.uk/dpf/mobiquo/emoji/E057.png)(http://depressionforums.co.uk/dpf/mobiquo/emoji/E00E.png). S x x x x
-
ROFL
-
Who would like to hear/see it?
-
As long as its not naughty ;)
-
Knock Knock...
-
Ok need to know the rest now ;) :). S x x x x
-
Knock Knock!!!
-
Oh duh sorry - who's there? S x x x You too night Shaz
-
Sorry somehow text message found its way to my phone x x x You too night Shaz
-
Oh duh sorry - who's there?
The Postman - Sign here please!
-
GGGGRRRROOOOOAAAAANNNNN
-
Lol ;). X x x
-
Omg ::) xx
-
Boss joke!
Get's a laugh every single time. !+_
-
I like turtles
-
I am unrepentant!,..I think, most of the time, sometimes,...so there! "!+
-
I am Practical.
-
I'm impatient in hospital waiting rooms and usually end up kicking off!!!
-
I am fed up with pretending I am ok when actually am at breaking point.
-
I'm fed up people are taking the pee..."Give em a yard and they'll take a mile"
-
I don't think my postman likes me. I sent away a film to be developed and on the envelope it was printed PHOTOGRAPHS DO NOT BEND. He folded the envelope in half and wrote on the outside, "Oh yes they do."
-
heard that one years ago, it would be a typical thing the post would do though
-
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what the matter is. The old man says, "I'm a multimillionaire. I have a great big house and the fastest car in the world, and I just married a beautiful blonde."
The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"
The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."
-
Oh dear! lol
-
oh dear indeed,
-
ahaha lol
-
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.
As the passengers were being bounced around by the
turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next
to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're
a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
And the minister said, "Lady, I'm in sales, not tech support."
-
This was on my Facebook wall yesterday and Pip approved it overnight :happy0158:
-
Groan.......
-
You can't say I didn't warn you, Stewart! lol
-
what's green and turns red at the touch of a button?
kermit in a blender
-
ewww! lol
-
A land surveyor was tasked with mapping a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes. He needed a stout machete to clear thick brush as he went. Along the way, he came upon a golf club that an irate player must have hurled into the woods. It was in good condition, so he picked it up and continued on. When he broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at him in awe. After all, he had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind him was a clear cut swath leading out of the woods! "There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who really hates to lose a ball!"
-
This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?"
The guy shrugs and says, "Well, I guess I'll have the bad news first."
"Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies.
The man is distraught, "24 hours to live?! That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?"
he doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
-
Oh dear! lol
-
<groan>
-
could be worse..... wakin after surgery and the doc looks at your chart, and says 'woops, your NOT the mr smith that came in for a sex change
-
<groan> These aren't getting any better! lol
-
Mine always get worse :confused0062:
-
Nowt wrong with that, Pip!
-
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
-
A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse. "Hold it neighbor" the man says, "I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only six miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting. We'll have a great time".
Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and ask's "How should I dress?"
"Aw, don't matter" replied the neighbor, "Only gonna be the two of us".
-
After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys with water, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she asks angrily.
"We were just playing 'church,' Mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."
-
A poultry farmer was experimenting to breed turkeys with more legs for greater profits. Finally, he succeeded. While narrating the results to his friends, he told them, "The turkey I bred had six legs!"
His friends, who had got quite excited, eagerly asked, "What about the taste?"
The farmer said with a long-drawn face, "I have no idea. Can't catch it."
-
thats as bad as knowing when the minister has been drinking the communial wine, he goes on about
'Big daddy, Junior & Spook
-
;D
-
A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried, and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man leaned back on his golf bag and said, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
-
One morning as Professor Thompson was leaving for the college his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are moving today. If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty."
Predictably he didn't remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we were moving to?"
He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?"
"Yes," she replied.
"Can you tell me which way it went?"
She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."
-
A mystery lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, "Follow me."
The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle. "Thanks so much," says the theatergoer, "This seat is perfect."
He then hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick."
-
:bash: :tongue0015: :happy0158:
-
What do cows read before bedtime?
Dairy Tales
-
:rofl: I'm easy to please
-
make me remember a part in 'Air Force One' where the president is looking forward to watching a recording of a ball game he couldn't see live, (so didn't want to know the score)
just passing one of his crew with a beaming smile says 'Go Dodgers' (whatever team),
One very unhappy Pres'
-
Oh dear! lol
-
two cows in a field, one says moo and the other says bahhh. the first cow says what are you doing? the other cow says learning a foreign language!
-
:bash: hear them men in white coate3 with them white jackets are liikig for you Amanda... greensmilies-004 ;D
-
Don't blame me, blame me Facebook friends, Stewart! :happy0064:
-
groan...:) facebook can have some real strange things on it,
well im there so i reas my case :excited:
-
Dr Dr, i feel like a snooker ball.........shut up and get to the end if the cue
Dr Dr, can you help me out........certainly sir, which way did you come in?
-
You are so right... wouldn't be without it now though!
-
Oh dear... they are almost as bad as mine! :biggrin:
-
Dr Dr, i feel like a bar of soap.....thats lifeboy
-
They aren't getting any better! lol
-
Dr Dr, every time i wear my new shirt i get a stabbing pain in my neck.
have you removed all the pins sir?
-
Doctor doctor, my nose is bleeding …
Did you pick your nose?
No, I was born with it
Doctor Doctor, part of me feels like a cat and nobody trusts me anymore …
Yes, you do look like a bit of a cheetah
Doctor doctor, I keep thinking parts of me are invisible …
Yes, you’re definitely not all there
Doctor doctor, I look like a beggar and smell like a fish …
What a poor sole
-
Returning home from work, Jamie was shocked to find that the house had been ransacked and burglarized. After telephoning the police, the dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Jamie ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Incredulous, Jamie moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
-
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well deserved complaining and self pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me the whole world hates me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."
-
Oh dear! <groan>
-
Another groaner!
-
and you said my ones were bad Amanda :)
-
ditto
-
like the last onje Amanda
-
Are all of the jokes you both find so bad? I blame my jokes on the internet! lol
-
I can't claim credit for any of 'em... found them online! :cool:
-
Dr says to the invisible man......sorry i cant see you today :bash: :excited: :bash:
-
me too
-
They aren't getting any better, Stewart! :P
-
:confused0062: lol
-
A mom was playing "tooth fairy" putting money under her little daughter's pillow when the child awoke and caught her in the act. The mom froze, wondering how to explain to her tot that she was, in fact, the fairy; but she was spared the trouble. "You put that money back!" her daughter said indignantly. "The tooth fairy left that for me!"
-
A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away."
An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, "Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"
The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment. The quick-thinking minister's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her."
-
Pardon me, lady," said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, "but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?"
"You certainly did!" said the woman in the aisle seat.
"Good, then I'm in the right row," the man said as he went back to his seat.
-
My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate a cell phone?"
-
"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."
"Good, what are we having for breakfast," said Dewey, the new husband.
"Toast and juice," Tracy replied.
-
What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Frostbite!
-
After finding 5 Mars bars, 3 Snickers, a Flake and a packet of M&M's, I'm starting to think I'm not cut out to be a Bounty hunter!
-
Sorry! lol
-
:ga025:
-
:excited:
-
:lol3:
-
:giggle:
-
HOW TO WRITE A TERM PAPER
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, printed out, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now, that way you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one song from your favorite album and that's it, I really mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that...
10. Listen to the rest of the album.
11. Rearrange all of your books into alphabetical order.
12. Call your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
15. Check the guide to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.
16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot, even if he wasn't watching.
18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through your roommate's memory book from home. Ask who everyone is.
20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
26. Leap up and write the paper.
27. Type the paper on your laptop. Spell check.
28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid term paper.
-
Collectibles
Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles as well as pick up after their pets. One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up and put them back on the shelf. The next week the same thing happened. That afternoon my employer came into the parlor, her faithful canine behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase. "Tippy," she asked the dog, "how do your bones keep getting up there?"
-
A Texas millionaire
A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired. A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you."
"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine."
With that the physician left. The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire. "Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools, and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"
-
Darryl and Harold
Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution. The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go. Darryl was called into the doctor s office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. Darryl said "Yes" and the doctor proceeded.
"Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
Darryl said, "I'd be half blind."
"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"
"I d be completely blind."
The doctor stood up, shook Darryl s hand, and told him he was free to go. On Darryl's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Harold went into the doctor's office when he was called. The doctor went thru the formalities and then asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, "I'd be half blind."
The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?"
"I'd be completely blind," Harold answered."
"Harold, can you explain how you'd be blind?"
"My hat would fall down over my eyes."
-
Tough Exam
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
-
Rescue
There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man. He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet. A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, "It's alright! The Lord will save me!"
So the helicopter flew away. The water continued to rise and a boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted, "No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!" and, once again, the boat sped off.
The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated, "I don't need saving! My Lord will come"
Reluctantly, the helicopter left. The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and the man drowned. At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man why did my Lord not rescue me?"
St. Peter replied, "For pity sake! He sent you two helicopters and a boat!"
-
Party Entertainment
A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $100!"
The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $100, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
-
I've booked a table for me and the wife at an Elvis Presley themed restaurant.
It's for people who love meat tender.
-
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
-
*groan* :thud: :c45:
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:chin: :biggrin:
-
Sorry Pip! :lol3:
-
I'm blaming a writing forum for yesterday's two whatsits! :confused0062:
-
All I'm guilty of is copying and pasting them onto this forum! lol
---
Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the road. One stops and says, "Damn it! I've lost an electron!" The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "I'm positive!"
---
What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away? A receding hare line!
---
A camel meets an elephant. The elephant asks jokingly: “Why do you have two breasts on your back?†The camel replies: “With a face like yours, I’d just shut up.â€
---
A woman was just taking a bath when she heard the doorbell. She thought she’d just pretend not to be home but then the ringer called, “Hello? Anybody home? I’m the blind guy!â€
“Ah well, if he is blind I can go and open the door just like this. No need to dress.†thought the lady, hauled herself out of the bath and went to open the door.
“Wow,†said the guy waiting there, “you should be on a fitness studio advertisement! Now, where should I put those blinds?â€
---
Two mice meet and start chatting. “Look,†says one, “I’ve got a new boyfriend!†and shows the other mouse a picture on her phone. “OMG,†cries the other mouse, “that’s a bat!†“What?! He told me he was a pilot!â€
---
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The barman looks at them coldly and asks "Is this some kind of joke?"
---
Two fonts walk into a bar.
The barman says, "Sod off. We don't serve your type around here."
-
:m121: :lolbig2: :rofl: :lol3:
-
Steve found this on Facebook last night so blame him, not me for this one:
-
More jokes from the same writing forum:
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Knock-knock jokes are fun, the person who came up with them should definitely get a No-Bell prize.
My friend bought a dog from a Blacksmith.
As soon as he got it home, it made a bolt for the door.
On a beautiful summer’s day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?â€
The girl leaned over and said: “Burrr… gurrr… King.â€
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
News: "Boy George's reptile bites 5 people in one day."
He needs a calmer chameleon.
What do you call an alligator that’s wearing a vest?
An investigator.
A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a pram. "What's your kid's name?" asks the bartender. "Tiny," says the lizard. "Because he's my newt."
Knock. Knock
Who's there?
Panther.
Panther who?
Panther no pants, I'm goin' thwimmin'.
Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now?
Type 2 Diabetes. Andy has diabetes now.
-
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.
---
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
"Breathe, stupid!"
---
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors then it'd be a chicken sedan.
---
Diplomatic 'Speak your weight machine'.
"Your ideal height is eleven feet six inches."
---
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
-
:rofl:
-
:confused0062:
-
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
----
A woman is trying all sorts of lotions, potions, and exercises, to increase her bust size. None of them seem to work.
Her husband suggests she just rubs a couple of squares of toilet tissue up and down between her breasts a few times each day.
"I'll try anything, but how does that work?"
"No idea, Love. But it's worked on your arse."
----
Why did the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia stay up all night? A: She was wondering if there really is a dog.
----
dyslexics of the world: UNTIE
----
How much room is needed for fungi to grow?
As mushroom as possible
----
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta.
----
-
I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the Los Angeles International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says, "No, I don't. And furthermore, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."
___
Why can you never trust an atom?
Because they make up everything
___
A boy complains to his father "You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! It didn't! All they did was laugh at me!"
Father: "Yes, but you should have realised that the potato goes at the front."
___
Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Can we just change the topic please?
-
:biggrin:
-
Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels.
___
Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.
___
My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and
attacking everyone, he even threw his faeces on the wall. I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.
___
I hate cliffhangers because...
___
Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that.
___
My grandfather has the heart of a lion, and now, a lifetime ban at the zoo.
___
-
I doubt vodka is the answer, but it's worth a shot.
---
I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… it was just collecting dust.
---
I’m reading a horror story in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen…
I can feel it.
---
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
---
-
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."
Her husband replied "Well, lots of dogs can do that."
The wife responded, " But we've never subscribed to any papers!"
-
A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone. "Okay, you're up," the genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
-
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $325,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
-
Quiet
-
Last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing. The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied: "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.
-
Imagine this scene: God sitting on His thrown. A man standing in front of him next to scores of blackboards, whiteboards, electronic displays, and the like. God is looking at the man with a very bored expression on His face. He addresses the man, "Okay, I said you could have all the time you needed to make your point. Time is nothing to me here. But explain to me once again how your presentation proves I don't exist!"
-
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. One day her friend stopped her and noticing her well long, groomed nails asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."
-
what did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on a head, I’ll just hang around here!
-
:thud: :happy0158:
-
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
-
Irritated Boss: "Can't you hear that the phone is ringing? You must answer the telephone!"
New Secretary: "All right, but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you."
-
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
-
A 4-year old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"
"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color."
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?"
-
If you aren't a fan of bodily function jokes then don't read any further.
This was part of an ad for something on my Facebook wall. Made me and the hubby go "ewww" but it's true though!
-
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten".
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted".
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old friend.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old chums simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin gradually realised that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again".
Kristian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner".
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..."
"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian"
-
:rofl:
-
Kids have a greater need for speed than classroom computers can deliver. Impatient to turn in his term paper, one restless student kept clicking the "Print" command. The printer started to churn out copy after copy of the kid’s ten-page report. The topic?
"Save Our Trees."
-
A man goes into a dentist's office. Man: "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So, why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on."
-
At a large corporation, the CEO who was leaving presented the new CEO with three numbered envelopes. "Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
At first things went along smoothly. Six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was catching a lot of heat. Then he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message was: "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. The press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up, and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later the company experienced another dip in sales plus some product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message: "Reorganize."
This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said: "Prepare three envelopes."
-
For the first time in many years, a friend of ours traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $11.50, my friend couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movie, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."
-
The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday. When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness. "What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic," her mother said.
"It's too late! the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."
-
I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop. “So, have you learned anything?†asked the cop.
“Yes, I have,†I began. “I've learned it's time to find a new way home from work.â€Â
-
One evening, a bird-lover stood in his backyard and hooted like an owl and an owl called back to him! They had a whole "conversation." He tried it again the next night, and the next and the owl always answered. He was fascinated. Sometime later his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."
Just then it dawned on them.
-
One evening, a bird-lover stood in his backyard and hooted like an owl and an owl called back to him! They had a whole "conversation." He tried it again the next night, and the next and the owl always answered. He was fascinated. Sometime later his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."
Just then it dawned on them.
Oh dear lol
-
Archaeologists have made a major breakthrough in Egypt ~ they have found a tomb of an ancient king embalmed in chocolate ~ His name is Pharaoh Roche!
-
I ate a clock yesterday,
it was very time consuming
-
And the Lord said unto John, "come forth and you will receive eternal life".
John came fifth and won a toaster.
-
Jokes about white sugar are rare, but jokes about brown sugar? Demerara
-
To the person who stole my MS Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
-
Who is bigger, Mr Bigger or Mr Bigger's baby?
The answer is Mr Bigger's Baby as he's a little Bigger
-
:rofl: can't beat jokes like these
-
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
-
:bash: :thud:
-
A young salesperson peeped into the office of someone who looked like a sales manager, muttered something, then started walking away. After retreating a little he seemed to change his mind and headed back to the door where after some hesitation, he started to back away again. The sales manager, feeling sorry for the young man, and surprised that he was so badly trained, called him in. "You're a salesperson aren't you? What are you selling?"
"Sirr uh yes I'm a salesman. I'm sorry to bother you. I was selling insurance, but I'm sure you don't want any. Sorry to have wasted your time."
Feeling sorry for the young bungler, the sales manager bought two policies to give the young salesman some confidence and then started teaching him about selling. He said: "You should have different pre-planned approaches for different kinds of ..."
"But I do, sir,†the young salesman interrupted, “the one I just used is my planned approach for sales managers. It always works. Thank you!"
-
:sSig_lol3: :lolbig2:
-
Another one from Facebook:
-
That's brilliant :sSig_lol3:
-
I love jokes like that... easy pleased, me! :sSig_cool2:
-
An man was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of bunk! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the man.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
-
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper:
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"...
Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of soda.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"...
Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I quit.
-
A middle-aged man dies, and soon finds himself with both St. Peter and the devil. St. Peter asks his name. And he says, "Bower, Johnny Bower."
And St. Peter says, "Johnny Bower? Oh, I’m so sorry, you’re not supposed to die for another 5 years. We'll have to send you back down."
Mr. Bower is overjoyed, but he notices the two doors leading to Heaven and Hell, and hears what sounds like a party behind the door to Hell. He asks if he can go over and just look around. The devil says, "Of course, but just for a few minutes."
So he goes over and finds an incredible party going on, with wonderful food and drinks, and everyone obviously having a great time. He says to himself, "If this is Hell, I want to be part of it!"
So when he gets back to earth, he sins his brains out for the next 5 years, doing every immoral thing imaginable to be sure he winds up in Hell. And sure enough, 5 years to the day later, he’s facing the devil again in front of the door to Hell. As the door opens, he hears no music, and there is no food or a party. There are just these flames leaping out from the door. In disbelief, he asks, "Where’s the party? Where are all the people having fun?"
The devil grins and says, "Oh, you fell for that? Well, 5 years ago you were a prospect. Now you’re a customer."
-
Before they slid into a booth, one guy brushed crumbs off the seat and the other took a napkin and swiped at a spill on the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus. "No thanks," said the first guy. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."
"I'll have black coffee too," said the second. "And please make sure the cup is clean."
The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back. "Two cups of black coffee," she announced.
"Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"
-
A man was driving down the highway late one night when his minivan broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamborghini Countach pulls up. "Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the minivan driver.
"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countach replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."
They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Ferrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev its engine to get the Countach to race. The Countach revs its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap. The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countach were driving down the road doing about 120 with a minivan honking its horn and flashing its lights trying to pass them!"
-
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted. After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one says, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turned to the other Brother and says "then you must be...?"
"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."
-
My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss."
He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back."
-
A lawyer phoned the governor's mansion shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the governor it's an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer.
After some cajoling, the governor's assistant agreed to wake him up. "So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place," begged the attorney.
"Well, it's okay with me if it's okay with the funeral home."
-
One Sunday a minister preached about shepherds. He explained that sheep need lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job is to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals, and keep them from wandering off. He said that the people of the church were God's sheep. Then he asked, "If you are the sheep, who is the shepherd?" (He was pretty obviously indicating himself.)
After a few seconds, a young boy piped up: "Jesus! Jesus is the shepherd."
The minister, caught by surprise, asked, "Well, then, who am I?"
The boy frowned thoughtfully. "I guess you must be a sheep dog."
-
Cop: You know how fast you were going?
Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.
Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.
Guy: Yea, that's how far behind I am.
-
About a week ago, I saw an Internet column about eliminating paperwork clutter. Great! So I printed out the instructions and put them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
-
I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, after only a short time of searching, he found a gas cap. He carefully wiped it off and slipped it into place with a satisfying click. "Great," he told his wife as he climbed back into the car, "I may have lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits and it's even a better cap than the one I had it locks..."
-
Q: What is a Snowman's favorite aunt?
A: Aunt Arctica
Q: Who was the meanest Reindeer?
A: RUDEolf
Q: What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A: A Holly Davison
Q: What is Papa Smurf's favorite phrase at Christmastime?
A: I'll be blue just thinking of you.
-
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
For Moms
Twas the night before Christmas
When all thru the abode
Only one creature was stirring
And she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping
All snug in their beds,
While visions of Nintendo and Barbie
flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV
with a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter Which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"
With toilet bowl brush
Still clutched in her hand
She descended the stairs and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
"Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."
"Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."
"A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."
The mother's twin,
Same hair, same eyes,
Same double chin.
"She'll cook, she'll dust," she'll mop every mess.
You'll relax, take it easy,
Watch The Young & the Restless."
"Fantastic!" the mom cheered.
"My dream come true! "
I'll shop. I'll read.
I'll sleep a whole night through!"
From the room above the youngest began to fret.
"Mommy?! I scared... and I wet."
The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part."
The clone changed the small one and hummed a tune As she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
"You're the best mommy ever. I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too."
The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal."
That's my child's love she's trying to steal."
Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear.
Only one loving mother is needed here."
The mom kissed her child and tucked her into bed.
"Thank you, Santa," for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget it won't be very long when they'll be too old for my cradle-song."
The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone,
"It works every time."
With the clone by his side, Santa said, "Goodnight Merry Christmas, dear Mom. You'll be just fine!"
-
"Old MacDonald had a terrible Scrabble hand ... E-I-E-I-O."
-
:rofl:
-
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
2016: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2017: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2018: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2019: I will work out 3 days a week.
2020: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
-
Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move. "It's no use," Robbie said. "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."
-
Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle. A curious neighbor wandered over and asked from a distance if he was going to have a garage sale. "No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date. He'll be taking the car out soon to pick up the girl."
"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.
"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys, and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."
-
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)
-
I was in a long line at 7:45 am at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again, but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you people don't let me unlock the door, none of you will ever get in to shop."
-
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?"
His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you."
The man goes, "Are my children here?"
"Yes, Daddy, we are all here," said the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"
-
There was this guy who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. His friend suggested he see a doctor to have his legs checked out. The guy refused said his friend was crazy. But he finally went and, sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was shorter than his right! A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later he was cured; both legs were exactly the same length and he didn't lean left anymore. His friend said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."
The guy said: "I stand corrected."
-
One year, Little Johnny's family was having the "extended family" 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they're illegal in their state, of course!) Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor's plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic they even had extra food to bring "Sure, the more the merrier!"
Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin's neighbor, it is discovered that he's a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Johnny and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them the gas grill is all set to use out back just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed. They head out to the back as Johnny comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"
"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"
-
THE 10 LAWS OF LIFE
1. When ones hands are covered in oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Itchiban)
2. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Incuranctions So Sorry Law)
3. When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)
4. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it's exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)
5. The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to its need to be clean. (Law of Campbell's Scoop)
6. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of O'golly Gee!)
7. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of ones hairdo. (The Hair-Wind Principal)
8. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Irreversibility)
9. Arriving for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else else arrived before you. (Law of De Lay)
10. Do not take life too serious, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway. (Law of Absolute Certainly)
-
YOU MIGHT BE A PASTOR IF...
~ You've waded in a creek wearing a necktie.
~ You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to waken and discover that you were.
~ You'd rather negotiate with terrorists than the church organist.
~ You see a picnic as no picnic.
~ You've ever wanted to fire the church and form a congregation search committee.
~ You've been tempted to take up an offering at a family reunion.
~ You've ever wanted to give the sound man some feedback of your own.
~ You've ever wanted to lay hands on a deacon, and you didn't mean praying for him.
~ You often feel like you are herding cats instead of shepherding sheep.
~ Your sermons have a happy ending everyone's happy when it ends.
~ You've never preached on TV, because your wife made you get down before you broke something.
~ You feel that it is your job to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.
-
BBC News.
Man dies from eating more than a bag of liquorice a day.
I guess it takes all sorts.
-
:rofl:
-
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"
-
HYMNS FOR SEASONED CITIZENS
~ The Old Rugged Face
~ Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
~ It is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt
~ Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
~ Amazing Grace, Considering My Age
~ Just a Slower Walk With Thee
~ Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One
~ Go Tell It On The Mountain, But Speak Up
~ Give Me That Old Timers' Religion
~ Blessed Insurance
~ Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah, I've Forgotten Where I Parked
-
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office."
-
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dressed up, set the lights, and put the cat put out. Their Uber arrives, and as the couple opened the front door, the cat zips back in between their legs and disappears up the stairs. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the car while the husband goes upstairs to find the cat and put it out. The wife, worried abut some recent break-ins in their neighborhood and not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the Uber driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab apologetically, "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger and grab her by the scruff of the neck to get her to come out! Then she slipped away and ran into the closet, but I quickly trapped her in the corner and got a good hold on her."
-
THINGS WE WOULDN'T KNOW WITHOUT SUNDAY SCHOOL
~ With your eyes closed for prayer, anything can happen in a room full of preschoolers.
~ Prayer requests reveal a lot about parents.
~ A fire extinguisher is a handy device.
~ Helium tanks should be chained down tightly.
~ Cheap glue adheres to skin.
~ Kool Aid and song motions do not mix.
~ Grand pianos are not as durable as you might think.
~ Church maintenance people do not have a sense of humor.
~ Offering money always rolls to the other side of the room when dropped.
~ Hand-me-down sound systems can get loud when the adult service is taking communion.
~ Ushers do not have a sense of humor.
~ Parachute games should not be used in a room with a chandelier.
~ Animal crackers can be sneezed out the nose.
~ There are good reasons why pastor's kids have a bad reputation.
~ Helium intoxication does not render respect in a staff meeting.
-
Blanche: Herb, if you don't stop snoring, I'm going to toss you out on your ear!
Herb: Does it upset you that much?
Blanche: Not just me, the entire congregation.
-
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts."One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
-
During his wedding rehearsal, the groom approached his pastor with an unusual offer. "I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows, and leave out the 'love, honor, obey, and forsake all others' part."
He pressed a $100 bill in the pastor's hand and walked away with a satisfied smile. On the day of the wedding, the groom was feeling pretty pleased when the pastor got to the part where the vows are exchanged. The pastor looked him in the eye and asked, "Will you promise to bow before her, obey whatever command she gives, fulfill her every wish, serve her breakfast each morning, and swear before God that you'll not look at another woman as long as you both shall life?"
The groom gulped and looked astonished, but he finally said "Yes" in a tiny voice. He then leaned in toward the pastor and whispered, "I thought we had a deal!"
The pastor pressed the $100 bill back into his hand and whispered in return, "She made me a much better offer."
-
A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!"
-
Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them. One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get me up in one of those things."
-
After leaving the racetrack, Joe bumped into his old friend Jon on the bus. "Say," Jon said, "How's it going?"
"Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me, what's today's date?"
"July seventh."
"Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue."
"Let me guess," Jon interrupted. "You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race."
"Right."
"And he won!" Jon sighed.
"No. He came in seventh."
-
While walking down the street one day, a Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted.â€Â
-
Alan asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Steve. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"
Steve says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, 'Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember I don't mind going back to prison.'"
-
My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess. As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, "Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?"
-
The teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots. He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
And once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner than they got the boots off he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
-
A man was returning from a pilgrimage to France. As he was in line at the customs gate, an agent suspiciously eyed a bottle hidden in the man's luggage. "And what's this, sir?" he asked.
"Oh, it's a bottle of holy water from Lourdes," said the man.
The agent uncorked the bottle, took one whiff and said, "This is wine!"
"Wine?!" cried the man. "Praise the Lord, another miracle!!!"
-
The man's wife had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet he stayed by her bedside every single day. One day, when she came to, she motioned him to come closer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. After my car accident, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" he asked gently smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
-
Thanksgiving Day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "So why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
-
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on her phone. "Where are you? the wife said. "You know we have lots to do."
He replied, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace. I couldn't afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop" she replied.
"Well, I'm in the video game store next to that."
-
A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Frobisher's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
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A large passenger plane is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 35,000 feet, when suddenly an F-22 Raptor appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, a boring flight isn't it? Take care and have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the plane and asks, "Well, how was that?"
The airplane pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"
The jet pilot watches the plane, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the plane pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"
The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?"
The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake."
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An airhead driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. The airhead remembered what had said: "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and started to follow it, for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked what happened. The airhead explained what Dad said. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Walmart parking lot. Do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
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A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does you father say when the family sits down to dinner?"
Jerry answered, "Dad says 'Go easy on the butter, kids - it's three bucks a pound!'"
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College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!"
Father: "Really? What's the good news?"
College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"
Father: "I certainly do."
College student: "Well, you get to keep it."
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A man stops by his local florist shop to buy flowers for his new girlfriend for Valentine's Day. He asks the proprietor, "You know the expression, 'You should say it with flowers'?"
"How about three dozen of my finest roses?" the florist asks.
"Make it a half dozen roses," the man answers. "I'm a man of few words."
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TOP 7 WAYS TO ACQUIRE A HUSBAND
(from J. Duin)
* Have your husband act like a jerk toward a famous warlord while you secretly show up at the warlord's camp with muleloads of tasty provisions, at which point the warlord falls in love with you, after which point you inform your husband of the whole matter, at which point he has a stroke, dies and you marry the warlord.
* Show up at a threshing floor (if you can find one anywhere outside of Kansas) in the dead of night and uncover the feet of the best-looking guy there.
* Go to any old watering hole and start filling the watering jars of the guy with the most camels.
* Have your good-looking sister lure someone to marry here but substitute yourself for her on their wedding night.
* Hang around barren women and offer to be a concubine for their husbands' need for heirs.
* Take a bath naked on your roof preferably in view of some nearby palace.
* Make like a prostitute around guys who hear from God that they need to marry you to show the country the nature of their idolatrous ways.
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Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
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"Look, Charlie," the coach said, "you know the principles of good sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesn't allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language."
"Yes sir, I understand."
"Good, Charlie. Now, would you please explain that to your father?"
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What tranquilizer does a cat get?
Moggy don
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A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!"
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A young boy went to church for the first time. His grandpa asked how he liked it. The youngster's review: "The music was nice, but the commercial was too long."
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At my granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me! The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."
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Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did. Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.
Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO
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I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics. "How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180. The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 foot 2 inches. She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high. "Of course it's high!" I screamed. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
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One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. "How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?"
Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake, but not two in a row!"
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After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone."
"What makes you think its mine?" the ref asked.
"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls!"
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A bunch of men were sitting around the playing poker. "I win!" said Harry.
Joe threw down his cards, "That's it! I've had it! Harry is cheating!!!"
"How can you tell?" Phillip asked.
"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"
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"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"
The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"
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Years ago, when those digital signature/PIN pad gizmos were relatively new, I was in a checkout line at Walmart in Decatur, Texas. There was a sweet old lady in front of me, following the instructions the cashier patiently gave. With a bit of assistance, she'd managed to swipe her card and scrawl a signature with that awkward plastic pen.
Now the machine awaited confirmation, the typical "OK" and "Cancel" buttons displaying on its monochrome screen. "You have to tell it 'OK'," the cashier said.
The lady looked dubiously at the cashier, then at the newfangled gizmo. She gently cupped it with her hands, leaned forward, and said, "Ohhhh kaaayyyyy."
Incredibly, the cashier kept a straight face as she tapped the 'OK' button for her client and wished her a great day. The cashier and I didn't laugh until we had watched her shuffle away and I said, "I think that just changed my life."
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Terry slammed his cards on the table and left the game in a huff. "Boy," said another player disgustingly, "I really hate playing cards with a bad loser."
"He isn't very pleasant," another player said, raking in the chips, "but it's better than playing with a good winner."
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Little Dewey went fishing with his dad, who had his fishing license on the back of his hat. After a while they had caught no fish when Little Dewey offered the following suggestion: "Dad, turn your hat around so the fish can see your license."
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I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver's license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me. I replied, "I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?"
She said, "Why didn't you get a haircut before you came here?"
I replied, "I didn't need one before I got here!"
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A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size. "Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."
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A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River. "That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"
"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."
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If biblical events were being covered by today's media...
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE: Enforcement Officials Killed While Pursuing Unruly Mob
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION OF RELIEF TROOPS: Psychologist Questions Significance of Rock Used as Weapon
On the prophet Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS ACTIVIST INTO FRENZY: 400 Killed In Unprovoked Attack
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS EJECTED FROM SHELTER: Animal Rights Advocates Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
LAY PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH: Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
QUACK PREYS ON TERMINALLY ILL: Authorities Investigating Use of Non-traditional Medical Procedure
On healing of the two demon-possessed men in Gadarenes:
MADMAN CAUSES STAMPEDE: Local Farmer Faces Bankruptcy After Loss of Hogs
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
ITINERANT PREACHER RAISES STINK: Will Now Being Contested by Lawyers of Heirs
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Lunching with a friend in a fast-food restaurant, I was telling her about a teenager who had rear-ended my car. The teen blamed me for the accident. "She even called me every dirty name in the book!" I said.
Just then I looked over to the next table where two nine-year-old boys had apparently been paying close attention to my story. One said to the other, "There's a book?"
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A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
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LORD, PROP US UP
Every time I am asked to pray, I think of the old deacon who always prayed, "Lord, prop us up on our leanin' side."
After hearing him pray that prayer many times, someone asked him why he prayed that prayer so fervently. He answered, "Well sir, you see, it's like this I got an old barn out back. It's been there a long time. It's withstood a lot of weather. It's gone through a lot of storms, and it's stood for many years. It's still standing, but one day I noticed it was leaning to one side a bit. So I went and got some pine poles and propped it up on its leaning side so it wouldn't fall. Then I got to thinking 'bout that and how much I was like that old barn. I been around a long time, I've withstood a lot of life's storms, I've withstood a lot of bad weather in life, I've withstood a lot of hard times, and I'm still standing, too. But I find myself leaning to one side from time to time, so I like to ask the Lord to prop us up on our leanin' side, 'cause I figure a lot of us get to leaning, at times."
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Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good. So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
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A man suffered a heart attack while shopping in a store. The store manager called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital, where he had emergency open-heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital . A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard, a pen, and a collection of forms. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, "Do you have health insurance?"
He replied in a weak raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The irritated nun continued, “Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?"
He replied, "I have only a spinster sister and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!"
The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.â€Â
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Grandpa wonders how much 6-year-old Tommy knows about money. Just for fun, he pulls two bills from his wallet a ten and a twenty and asks Tommy which one he'd rather have. Tommy grins and takes the ten dollar bill. "Thanks, Grandpa!"
Grandpa thinks it's kinda funny, so he does it again. Again Tommy chooses the ten-dollar bill. Grandpa calls over Uncle Joe and says, "Watch this."
He again offers Tommy a ten and a twenty, and again Tommy chooses the ten. Both men chuckle, and then call over Tommy's dad. Grandpa again offers a ten and a twenty, and Tommy gleefully takes the ten. Dad takes Tommy aside. "Son, don't you know twenty is more than ten?"
"Sure," says Tommy. "But if I took the twenty, Grandpa wouldn't keep playing the game. Now I have forty dollars."
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Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
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When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear my mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her. "You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."
"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"
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Arnold had just received his new driver's license. The family heads out to the driveway, and climbs in the car. Arnold is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat and sits directly behind the newly-minted driver.
"Hey Dad, I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all the months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. Dad replies, "Nope, just start driving. I'm gonna do like you've been doing to me all these years. I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat."
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Mother decided that 7-year-old Kathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested.
Kathy was delighted. "It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Kathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
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The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand-new business much like his own opened up next door to his left and erected a huge sign which read ... BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ... LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read ... MAIN ENTRANCE.
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I was teaching pre-school, and we were discussing family during carpet time, and a 4-yr-old boy asked me, "Miss Laura, do you have a Grandpa?"
I replied, "I used to have 2 Grandpas, but they went to Heaven to be with Jesus."
He thought, shook his head sadly, and said, "My Grandpa didn't go to Heaven."
(Long pause while I tried to figure out how to proceed.)
"He went to Iowa!"
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A preacher was riding his bicycle down the street when he noticed a little boy standing in a yard next to the curb with a lawn mower. He asked the little fellow what he was doing, to which the little fellow replied, "I want to sell this mower so I can buy a bicycle."
The preacher said, "Well son I need a lawn mower and I have this bicycle. Maybe we can work out a trade. Why don't you ride my bicycle around the block and see what you think about it?"
The little boy went around the block and when he returned the preacher was sitting on the curb red faced and out of breath. The preacher said, "I have pulled on this rope since you left and I can't get this thing to start."
The little boy softly said, "You have to cuss."
The preacher replied, "I haven't cussed in so long I have forgotten how."
The little boy replied, "if you pull on that rope long enough you will remember."
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A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting."
"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."
The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting."
The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off."
When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.
"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting."
"What on earth is she expecting?" cried the Officer.
"Me," said the soldier simply.
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Farmers Brown & Jones had adjoining farms for years and didn't get along at all. One night after supper, Farmer Brown knocked on Farmer Jones's door. When Farmer Jones answered the door, Farmer Brown said, "I know we don't talk often, but I wanted you to know that our mule just died today."
Farmer Jones replied, "I'm certainly sorry to hear that, but I am wondering why you came over here to tell me?"
"Because," Farmer Brown said, "you're always supposed to notify the next of kin."