Hi Chocsrus
Sorry for the long post. Everything you say sounds so familiar, in fact I am certain it is, the despondency, the tiredness, the sheer effort involved in even simple tasks. I am not going to say "don't worry you will feel better soon" because you probably don't want to hear it. When I am in my dark moods I often find that one negative though leads to another in a downward spiral.
I am not your doctor, whom you might want to go and see, but I have a logical brain, so lets perhaps look your situation logically:
You are obviously seriously depressed right now, otherwise you would not be on tablets and waiting for CBT.
Depression is a SERIOUS illness
If you are SERIOUSLY ill you will take time to get better.
Whilst waiting to get better you may not be able to function like you want, somedays a wash or walking around the garden is a major achievement. Try to do something simple each day, but go with the flow and if it doesnt happen dont beat yourself up. Be realistic.
If you are SERIOUSLY ill then going to work is not only impossible right now but bloody stupid. Would someone with cancer be expected to sit at a desk, no.
Dwelling on thoughts of work or other problems is not good. Your brain is depressed, it likes bad thoughts and searches them out. One bad thought will lead to another. You are worrying over things that may or may not happen, or might be different six months from now. Sometimes to relieve the pressure the brain does odd things, like make us scrub or selves or think that we smell. Try to focus on what is happening at the present, immediate time, for example whilst making tea think only of making tea. When walking think only of walking. This will give your brain a rest from worrying. And teach it to relax. This might sound dumb, but over time it works. Remember your brain is ill and not working properly, your thoughts are not real or at times even true.
Thoughts of suicide, even if you do not intend to take action should always be taken seriously. They are a sign of how ill you are.
Suffering is hard, tiring and lonely. Contacting a blog is great but often human contact is best. Sometimes contact with someone, who does not know you,who will not judge and is able to take time to chat is the best contact, especiallly when we are so low we don't know where to turn. In my experience the Samaritans are the best people to talk to. Before I became ill, I would never have dreamt I would be the "type" of person who needed their help. However, like me you are seriously ill and need as much help as you can get. If seeing your doctor right now is not possible or getting CBT will take a number of weeks or months, why not ring them. Whats the worst that could happen..you spend a few minutes talking to someone who doesn't know you anyway.
You may be saying "thats ok for him to say, he doesn't know, everyone is different". Fair enough, but if that is the case take time to look through the forum at different posts. Look at the evidence for yourself. You will see a theme through many of them. What is happening to you are symptoms of an illness and not unique. What has worked for others may work for you. In time your mood will change and you will have better times. You just have to be patient and take small steps to get there.
Good luck
