My alcoholic mum infuriates me and makes me cry all the time

[bex8844]

I think my mum is the main cause of my depression. She's drank ALL her life, and has cirrhosis and is still drinking. She's abusive, manipulative, deceitful, a lier, neglectful, dismissal, uninterested, rejects me all the time and doesn't acknowledge anything about herself or anything i say. She emotionally blackmails me so that i feel guilty all the time about being there for her, yet she's not been there for some of the most important things in my life. She told the family things i told her in confidence, she always tells me i'm on my own now, and that she's done with me, she even had me arrested on boxing day a few years ago for 'damaging her door' (all i did was bang on it) the police man said he had to follow it through even though he could tell what kind of a woman she was, he even rang her again while he was at my house asking if he could issue me a ticket, and that i would still receive a caution but it would save a lot of paper work. She said 'no, i want her taken into the cells'....
she later admitted in an indirect way that she wanted to get me back for not spending x mas with her. Didn't stop the fact i had a record for criminal damage up to the value of thousands of pounds, arsonists get the same thing.
This is just the tip of the iceburg BUT she's my mum and weirdly, i love her.
I have now moved over 300 miles away from her, but she still holds some of my stuff in her car and keeps using it as a control weapon. She said she was ill with the flu and that the doctor had taken blood & she didn't know why??! so i started panicking and crying & rang the doctors, then i texted my cousin, but my mum will make out as if it's me over-exaggerating  & that she's fine, so the family just think it's me. But mum always says things for sympathy and i fall for it everytime.
Thanks for reading this, i just feel so lost.

[Allan_T]

Hey Bex,

I'm sorry that this has happened to you, its obvious you love her just by seeing you stuck with her for so long, and i think its safe to say that she loves you to. Otherwise she wouldn't be using things against you to try and control you still. Its obvious she wants you there to help, but also, a mother will never stop loving her child, ever (I know she has a weird way of showing it, but its true).

Alcohol is bad, it clouds judgement and brings out emotions and feelings which shouldn't be there, but what she needs to do is realise what she is doing, it may be hard but disconnecting yourself from her is probably the mist safest option you have right now. She needs to wake up and realise what it is she has done to you, and how YOU feel as well as realising what it is she's doing to herself. Have you ever tried talking to her about it? (I know its difficult because you never know how they're going to react or what they would do to you) the best thing you can do is help her realise.

I will be here to talk to you, I'm pretty much sure every member on this forum will help you, even if its just to talk about the weather. Well help you and theoretically hold your hand whilst you go through this. You may be down about this, but we can all chip together and help you find some ease with yourself, no matter what choice you make next.

pm me if you need me,
Allan T

[bex8844]

thanks Alan for your support it means a lot to me. I have tried talking to her for a long time now, i don't know why i still try because each time i do she dismisses me, ignores me or, like the last time i texted her, she texted back saying 'she couldn't be arsed with my texted messages as they were too deep'.
She makes out like it's me that has the problem by me trying to talk, she even told me to f off and get a life yesterday and get an f ing job..
Everytime i do try to concentrate on me she will take over again by offering money usually (because she lacks in emotional support) when i'm struggling or have no money, which is kind of her.
I just want to be able to focus on myself, I've put a phone blocker on my phone now, which took me ages, but i can still see when people texted me, but the message only goes through to the blocker application and not to my sms box.
It's so hard to not texed her back, like even though her last texted was about how she couldn't be arsed with my messages, today she's asked me for my new address again as she's lost it, so she obviously wants to give it to someone so they can send me a Christmas card or something, so she's being nice again but still hasn't acknowledge anything i've tried to talk to her about. I've tried talking on the phone too at times but she will just say 'oh not this again', even if i haven't mentioned anything for weeks or months even..
She just won't stop drinking, this is most of the reason why i've moved away because i don't want to watch her drink herself into her grave.
I don't want to spend x mas with her as she's been horrible to me for so many x mas's, for some of them she's deserted me and left me on my own, so i hate x mas. But there will be consequences if i don't spend x mas with her like there were when she had me arrested.
I'm in constant fear of her and her illness all the time i feel like i've just had enough of all the drama and chaos..

[Allan_T]

I will give you all the support I can Bex, don't like to see others suffer, because I know how it feels

Well, I'm going to give advice here, but know that I am not a qualified psych, or qualified in any way apart from being able to relate to you.

Now, I was an addict, not to alcohol, but to cannabis (for 11 year).. and no matter how many times I got told by people to stop doing it, that I'm damaging myself and those around me, I refused to listen. I blanked it out because my addiction was too great, to powerful to listen. Then guess what happened? I lost those around me, my health declined, and I lost my family (there were other contributing factors also). This was a wake up call, I had lost everything through an addiction, and I only realised when everyone around me disowned me..

Now I'm clean, I've been clean for about 2 months, and slowly but surely, those people are coming back to my life, I suppose in a way "you never know what you had, until it's gone" couldn't be a more accurate saying, I learnt from my mistakes, and as cruel as it sounds, maybe your mum could too?

She still sends you money, so there is still thought for you in there, she still knows that there is a bond there, and maybe she just doesn't know how to appreciate you? maybe she needs to realise what she is missing out on? (now remember, this is a suggestion, and I'm sure there are many other alternatives, I'm just speaking about what worked for me to open my eyes).

I know you've tried these steps, but you must have just a little bit more push with it, it'll hurt the pair of you, but maybe something better will come from this, maybe your mother will come to you for support for you to guide her through this. Just let her know, that you are there for her if she decides to go clean, because she will need you.

Like I said, always try to find different methods, but as a previous addict, I know how hard it is to just give up, I ran my life into the ground because of it. No matter what course you take, I'll still be here to talk if you need me Bex, and I hope your Xmas is going to be a good one this year =]

[Pip]

Bex,

I thought I had it bad with my mum as she was emotionally and verbally abusive but I never suffered as much as you have.  It is hard because your mum is still your mum no matter how badly she behaves.  I have friends who can't understand why I loved my mum or why I forgave her time and time again but she was my mum at the end of day.  I don't it really ever registered with her how horrible she was.

On another forum I belonged to (nothing to do with depression) a friend started a thread on co-dependency which really got me thinking.  All of us who posted on the thread came to understand that we were co dependent.  I'm not saying that's what's happened to you and your mum but it could be part of the problem.  It's okay to put yourself first and take a step back.  If that means taking a break from your mum then that's fine, I had to with my mum.

[fighting_the_tide]

Rather like Allan_T suggested (but in a shorter phrase) - "You don't know what you've got til it's gone" is the one that rings most true here.

However - I do have a question if you would be possibly able to answer it. Has your mother ever been diagnosed with depression herself? The reason I ask, is that my partner's ex has been GP diagnosed as having bi-polar disorder, yet is one of those manipulative/selfish people with how he acts and thinks - and it also seems to be a running theme between those I know who say they are.

Alcoholism is not to be taken lightly. But even when it's someone as close in terms of family tiers as a parent/sibling or child, if you are not able to handle it then you don't have to. Your life is for you to live - and regardless of how things should be - while she's got the alcoholism and the cirrhosis, she's not likely to ever recover and minimise the effects that the cirrhosis would have.

It's not easy - not in that position - but unless you distance yourself from her - you are likely to stay in this vicious cycle. My advice would be to not make the choice to contact her - and see what her having nothing from you does. Maybe as Allan_T said - she needs to lose everything to realise what she had prior to that too.