Jokes

[Pip]

A little three-year-old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.  His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."

Billy says: "I'm fine, mommy just haven't gone 'doody' yet."

Mother says: "OK, you can stay here a few more minutes. But Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says: "Works for ketchup!"

[Pip]

A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up.  Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement:  "Time for service."

[Pip]

While shopping at the mall, my husband and I became separated. I went out to the car, but realized I didn't have the keys. I went back into the store where we'd been to look for him.  The woman in charge of the carts smiled knowingly. "Finished before your husband I see," she said. "Well, I have three men waiting over there on the bench take one. It should all work out even at the end of the day."

[Pip]

"I'm going fishing."
Really means: "I'm going to stand by a stream with a stick in my hand all day, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
 Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear."
 Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."

"We're going to be late."
 Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
 Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

[Pip]

One day at home the phone rings and Joe answers it. On the other end is a confused woman who asks, "Who is this?"

"This is Joe. With whom did you wish to speak with?"

After a pause the woman says, "Did you just say whom?"

"Yes, I did."

"Then you're definitely not my son!"

[The Rani]

 it's good to have jokes here.

[Pip]

TEN REASONS FARM TRUCKS ARE NEVER STOLEN

10. They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.

9. Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.

8. It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.

7. It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.

6. The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.

5. They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.

4. The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.

3. Top speed is only about 45 mph.

2. Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield.

1. It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

[In the shadows]

Very funny