Hello, this is the first time I've used a forum like this.
School & College Years;
At school i was normal kid until around the age of 14. At 14 I used to get explosive out-bursts of violence which was usually aimed at people, fighting etc. The cause of something like that could of been something of a very small joke which wasn't meant to offend me, but i couldn't control it. The years went on in secondary school as it got worse and worse and eventually finding myself suspended, isolated and expelled from school.
After i left school at the age of 16 i managed to some how get into college on a course i fairly liked. The first year was shabby, my grades were "OK" as my efforts were poor. The second year i decided to work for it, broke my back working and managed to get the best grades imaginable, 8 distinctions and passing various tests. My family wasn't impressed by this, by me actually being doing something right for a change, so it quickly became a thing of the past that i actually decided to do something for me for a change. The last year of college came and it's where this whole thing begin to creep in. I felt be-little'd by the people around me in the classroom, their talks of friends and going out, their lives being perfect and how they would be spending their evenings for the next few days. This hurt me, deep down i always wanted to be a different person. I always wanted to have something to do everyday, i always wanted to go out and do the things they did but it never happened and it never worked out. My college course-work spiraled down to the point where i had missed 5 assignments out of sheer sadness, that i tried to make a difference but even at the end there was still something else blocking my way, and that was to have someone else's life and not my own.
Out of College - Jobless - Sad - Depressed - Suicidal;
After i left college that is it. I could not face the music anymore of seeing how well people were getting on and how well they were doing, so i burrowed myself in my room and played games, even now. Everyday it seems i have an emotional break down of tears and sadness that i try to hide, and have done for around 3 years nearly 4. I have never had a girlfriend, I'm fat and the snowball effect continues. It seems that i am unhappy from multiple reasons;
- Not having a girlfriend, or never having one for that matter
- Not having the life every other person seems to have, something i sit there and wish for every night.
Everyday is just a struggle now, a struggle to keep things in, but it's getting to hard now. Even when typing this sentence, i can tell you the table beneath me is not dry. I decided at one point that losing weight would be the way to be happy and to finally find a girlfriend, but i was shot down by so many uncaring faces that it failed again. My sleeping pattern, at this point i think it would be wise to say i don't have a sleeping pattern but i would go to sleep anywhere between 3:00-8:00am in the morning and sleep until 17:00 in the afternoon. Even with the hour's of sleeping i am still EXTREMELY tired. It all just seems like a mist that everyone has to go through with a torch, but i have a candle. I cry everyday now, and i feel utterly worthless, useless and a drain on everyone's resources.
Suicide;
On September 15th after crying my heart out for nearly two days i felt that it was the end. I took pills that i never even knew what they were or did, drank endlessly and staggered to a multistory car-park in the town a few miles away. Out of sheer fright i didn't go through with it and quickly came back home. I never want to feel that/this way again, but what can i do? Where can i go? How do i see things like everyone else seems them.
: Don't get me wrong, there are days when i am out with friends that i feel normal, happy and energized. I thank my friends for that, completely & with my heart. But these days after we have been out, the feelings crawl back and haunt me at night, I cannot sleep and I've been putting off my food.
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I am unsure what this actually is, general sadness that people go through every day - Depression? - I do not know. Thanks for taking the time to listen.
There are things that I have missed out with this post as i wanted to quickly get down the important things so maybe i can find some sort of answers, but i am willing to answer any questions.
