Long term depression

[SteveW]

Had another very bad night. Heard the voice of my dead father calling out to me at intervals throughout the night. Did my best to ignore the voice but found it hard. I was his carer for 3 years before he died and I am programmed to respond. Despite my GP assuring me that it is normal I just can't see it that way. A few years ago one of my depressions got so bad that I started hearing voices telling me to kill myself. I am afraid that that is starting up again. I have some anti-psychotic drugs left over from that time and have started to take them again. I have also made an appointment with my GP to see about continuing taking them. I am getting incredibly low about the whole thing, especially about my prospects of recovery. There just seems no end to this.

[Zaf]

Definitely a good idea to see your GP if you're worried about the possiblility of other voices, Ive heard, felt and seen  things after a loss so I think he might be right about that

[Got]

Hi Steve. My condolences for your troubles, that must be a large sense of loss that you are living through. It is good you have an insight into depression. Keep on looking for good ways to get better.

I am new on this forum, but it has genuinly helped me so far.

Steve

[SteveW]

Thanks for your post Steve. I should have insight into depression after fighting it every 3-4 years throughout my adult life or I'd be a very slow learner. Depression and me are old enemies-I've fought it personally and in my work as a therapist. I only hope I can beat this episode since I'm in the most difficult circumstances I have ever found myself in. At the moment depression is winning but I haven't given up.

[Lol]

Stevewellam you are indeed fighting this in the most difficult circumstances you have ever had to. Hearing your fathers voice in the night sounds incredibly difficult. I am sorry you are going through this very harrowing experience. I hope you have an understanding GP who can help you through this with appropriate, effective therapy. Is there anything specific we can do for you?

[SteveW]

I wish there was something specific that anyone could do. Just as for depression, the answer to hearing voices is drugs-
just a different class of drugs. I am lucky that I have a residual supply of anti-psychotics that I have started taking and
will get a proper supply when I see my doctor on Friday. Maybe my situation of drug resistant depression and depression so
deep it causes you to hallucinate may be of use to other people on the forum ? It fills in the picture of relatively mild depression
that most people seem to suffer from. To be honest I could do with specific suggestions because other than swallowing pills I am
pretty much at a loss. I do find it useful to post and receive responses as it eases my isolation somewhat.If it is OK by you I'd like
to continue doing that. I hope people will respond however they respond - anything is welcome.

[Zaf]

I wish I could help more but its outside my experience of depression, do keep posting if it helps and hopefully someone will come up with some help or suggestions

[Lol]

Absolutely Stevewellam, then that's what we'll do. I don't have experience with this level of psychotic depression/disorder, I have had auditory hallucinations following a car crash when I was little, but that's as far as I go. But I understand that it is very difficult for you and am here for you if you want to talk about it.

[SteveW]

Woke up this morning to be greeted by a hallucinatory voice telling me to kill myself. Were it the first time it would have frightened me but since this is the third time I am starting to get used to it. Anti-psychotics get rid of voices and I am already taking what I had left over from the last time. I will have a good look around the house to see if I can find another packet so I can increase the dose pending my visit to the doctor on Friday.What is worrying me is the fact that it means the anti-depressants aren't working yet, but there are plenty of options for drug treatment left. May anyone reading this who suffers from normal depression never have to experience psychotic depression.

[Lol]

I'm so sorry Stevewellam that was still an awful experience for you and will continue to be so regardless of how many times it happens I'm sure. Could you bring your docs appointment forward from Friday? This sounds like an emergent problem that would warrent a change. Especially if you can't find any more meds.

[SteveW]

My search for drugs produced another nearly full strip so I have enough now to constitute an effective dose until Friday. My doctor is away until Friday and if I see a Locum it will only freak them out so I'll stick with my Friday appointment. The first time I heard voices telling me to kill myself I was frightened but as time wore on I realized I didn't have to follow their advice and they became just a pain in the ass. I'd rather not have them but it is amazing what you can get used to. Trouble is they do indicate that I'm not exactly getting better.

[Lol]

Yes, indeed. It sounds like there is more than one? Do you hear them all the time? Are there any particular triggers? Is the medication you have found affective in silencing them?

[SteveW]

I am only getting the one voice at the moment, although in the past I have had two voices arguing about me. At my worst in a previous episode I was hearing them all the time. Today I have only heard them 3 times and hopefully the anti-psychotic will stop them getting any worse. So far as I can tell they are completely random-I look on them as my brain misfiring. I use Haloperidol to get rid of them and just keep increasing the dose until they go. The first two times I experienced it it took a couple of dose increases but they went in the end.I have got in early with the Haloperidol this time so hopefully they shouldnt get too bad. I wish the depression would shift as easily.

[Zaf]

It must be a very unsettling experience, especially at first

[Lol]

Gosh yes, in a way it must feel like peeing on a blazing fire. I'm glad you know to ignore them. I have heard advice about engaging with voices if you can't get rid of them. Something about if you acknowlenge them rather than try to ignore them you can learn to block them out? I have no idea really just something I heard. Can you interract with yours? When I heard things I couldn't engange with them, only be aware of what I could hear and try to gain some perspective on it. sometimes it was voices but many many voices all at once, like in a chattering crowd. sometimes it was other environmental noises like traffic or phones ringing. Sometimes now if a have a fever I hear chattering whispering voices, phones ringing or dogs barking, but only when I have a high temperature.