How do you make decisions when you can't trust your own feelings?

[Angelina]

Hi,
I found this site during a sleepless night and I think it's great! I've had depression almost as long as I can remember, as soon as I turned 13 I was put on Prozac and have been on and off medication ever since. Right now I've been signed off work for 5 months with no end in sight. The longer I'm off work though the worse things in my life have become. I attempted suicide at the beginning of May which is why I've been signed off, and I really don't feel any better now. I guess I'm not even sure if it's the depression or situations in my life.

Since my time off work I've moved in with my boyfriend, I was living with my mother and it's not a healthy relationship so as I was not working I didn't want to have so much time at home with her. I wasn't enjoying work at all and I think it was a huge factor into my depression, I cried most days on the way to work and it got to the stage where I started crying at work. So my living situation was not great and my work situation wasn't any better. The only time I was happy was when I was with my boyfriend who lived 60 miles away, he's been amazing through all of this and I'm very lucky to have him.

So now I've been off work for 5 months and I dread every time I go to the doctor for a sick note. I feel terrible at having to get those sick notes, that I don't deserve them, that the doctor thinks I'm just wanting to not work. I'd do anything to have a job I enjoy, I want to be productive, earn my money and have a life again. In a couple of weeks my sick pay stops so no money will be coming in at all, I've started to cry every day about money and I've started to feel there's no way out. I want to quit work to find something else but there's a couple of issues with that. When I leave I will have to pay work a very large (to me at least) amount of money for a qualification I have been unable to complete due to my time off. Also my company don't do personal references, all they say pretty much is how long somebody's worked there, how many days off they've had and if they'd employ the person again. Well with my sick record now I can imagine any jobs I apply for will receive that reference and run a mile.

So I feel like I have a few choices and I don't like any of them. I go back to work, move back in with mum and try to struggle through. Work will be almost impossible as most people there know why I'm off, plus it's a tough job mentally and I'm not feeling very tough. Then I'll end up back where I was before, crying every day until I break.
Or I quit work. I hope I can get work to wait for the money I owe at least. Then I try to find a new job where my partner lives. I know I'm not ready to work, but the need for money means I have to. With my sick record and the fact he lives in a small town means that'll be difficult. I haven't been able to drive since I've been off due to side effects from medications and lack of sleep. Plus the general anxiety of being outside and having to try not to panic makes me cry.
Or I just stay at the job and stay signed off until my doctor thinks I should go back to work. I'll have no money coming in to pay bills but I won't have to find the money work will want when I leave. Though then I can't really job hunt while signed off.

Once my money runs out I have to move back in with my mum. My partner and I have argued about this but I can't deal with him working overtime to pay for me. The guilt will be too much and I'll be too scared he'll start to resent me. I haven't seen mum since I've been signed off, so I have no idea if she'd support me financially.

I feel like it's all piling up instead of getting better. I have these decisions to make and I just don't trust my brain or my feelings right now. I've just come off an anti depressant and the withdrawal is not fun at all. Today's the first day this week I've been able to leave the house and walk without running the risk of fainting.

Can someone give me a virtual hug, tell me things will get better and possible give me a million pounds? Sorry I've rambled on, I've tried to keep it to a minimum instead of telling you my whole life story! My brain just feels life a big pile of mush right now

[angel3077]

((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))


It is a very difficult decision and even more difficult making it When you are depressed. Could you go to a benefit office or citizens advice and ask about any money you can get. Or the job centre to ask advice or citizens advice maybe to give you advice about getting a job after being sick? Dunno really but sure there is help out there. Sorry don't have a thousand pounds to spare and can't be sure if everything will turn out ok for you but will be thinking of youx

[Angelina]

Thanks for replying, it's nice just to know somebody's out there! I can get some benefits while signed off once sick pay runs out, but nowhere near enough to cover food, my car etc. If i quit work I get nothing as it's my choice to leave. The job centre have been useless, I've been wondering if the citizens advice bureau are any better. Though work's written to me today and wants me to sign another consent form so they can get my records from my doctor. Then have another health management meeting. Which last time involved maybe 5 minutes of talking and me having a drugs test. I think work are trying to get rid of me, kinda wish they would within the next couple of weeks to take away the decision for me.

[Depina]

Hi Angelina
Money can be a big problem - don't I know it - won't go into details, but I understand. Not well enough to work but benefits tiny or none in my situation, every day is a worry. What stuck out to me was the idea of you moving nearer to your partner, then you would have more support/ Not easy of course as moving can be traumatic. Also having a job you enjoy doesn't seem a lot to ask, that would uplift you,not easy though is it?
Sorry I do feel for you.
SENDING  H U G S YOUR WAY  &*(
AND THINKING OF YOU
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[angel3077]

Might be worth going to citizens advice just to get some advice. I've only used them once but they were quite helpful. I think benefits assess your needs don't they? You should get enough to live on. Maybe there is someone here on benefits who would be more help than me. I think your work would have a job sacking you for illhealth.

Big hugs

[Angelina]

I want to officially move so badly. He's been my rock through all this, I lost my group of friends last year and I haven't wanted to talk to my work friends because they remind me of work too much. Family I just don't speak to, when I've had to go to my mum's house to pick up things I've done it times when I knew she'd be at work. So I've been very alone, my partner, his family and a few mutual friends have been my only contact with the world besides the mental health team I'm currently seeing.

I'm my perfect world I'd quit work, find a nice simple job here where he lives and then redo my Alevels and go back to uni doing something I enjoy. It's money though that's hanging over my head. I wish I knew somebody who owned a book shop (during this time off I've read over 100 books thanks to the library) and needed an assistant. I honestly think the only way I'm going to find a job is finding a boss who meets me and likes me enough to give me a chance. No great huge application forms and official references that'll be the make it or break it part of getting a job. But these days that's almost impossible. It's all so simple really, I need a job here that isn't too stressful. But when hugely qualified people with no sickness records are struggling to find jobs I don't stand much of a chance without luck and personal connections.

I could do with a Mum, somebody to hug me and help me sort all this out. That's the one thing I really don't have though. Thank you guys for your replies though, it's good to just talk it out and express to somebody all that I'm going through.

Just noticed the new reply, because of the nature of my job and the fact I overdosed I think work are trying to see how much of a risk I am concerning medication. Which is why I had a drugs test, when I got the health management report it noted that while there were no drugs in my system care should be taken that I don't misuse the clients medications. That made me feel great...

[Zaf]

Hi Angelina

I think my advice would be to let the people at work see your medical records as they may well be wanting to let you go, which is what you want  Secondly I agree with the others to go to the CAB and see if they can help you with advice on benefits etc and possibly try some of the other places you might also get advice, thinking of  MIND or similar.

There is a messageboard called Ouch Again (or similar) where most of the people that post are depressed and/or disabled and I have often seen threads on there discussing benefits and what help is available.  If you cant find it I think I may have it in my favourites, if so I'll send you the link.

HUGS xx

[Ezel]

 .>,

I agree that the Job Centre, CAB and/or MIND can help you with regards to benefits plus MIND can be of emotional support as well as giving practical help.  If you haven't already prioritised do that.  Would working part time help even if was working in a supermarket as an example until you get back on your feet?  If you worked part time you could look for another job and study as well.  You've made a good step forward by seeking advice.

Pip   

[Lol]

Hi Angelina. I'm in a bit of a bad place at the moment and am not able to be of much use, but let me assure you you have come to the right place. You WILL find a tremendous amount of support here, I certainly have, and I will be only too pleased to support you when I am feeling a little more able. At the moment I am possibly the lowest and most confused I have ever been. Virtual hugs right atcha, beaming one over now, keep your chin up and your heart strong, we will get through this together.

[Depina]

Lol
your posts are lovely, sorry you are feeling bad at the moment,wish I could help but I am thinking of you and sending HUGS XXXX &*(

[angel3077]

Hugs lol hope you feel better soon xx

[Zaf]

Hope things improve soon lol xxx

[Munchroom]

Hi Angelina - Your situation with work, driving and the whole stupid mixed up benefits system seem all too familiar!!

As has already been said - moving out and living with your boyfriend does seem like the most logical answer. I think you have to wait six weeks before being eligable for jobseekers - would you be able to cope for that long?? Surely, there must be some sort of policy in place for if you can't complete a qualification due to ill health? Why does your befefit stop in a couple of weeks - is it because your sick note runs out, or have they put a date on it? (Sorry, lots of questions!)

I have recently started back doing bank work in a residential home (it sounds like your line of work is similar?) This allows me to still claim ESA but also be working towards getting back to work full time... I can really only manage one night shift a week and the whole 'office politics' things just becomes too much to bear sometimes  BUT... I have the assurances that 1. I am not 'scrounging' (Which, no matter how many people tell you that you are not, point out that you are ill and unable to work etc... still niggles away. I have always worked and like you would love to be able to be working full time and bringing in a decent wage!) and 2. I am only there once a week... When the shift finishes, I can come home and crawl into bed and hide for days if I have to!! I have done the shift and I will be paid for it and it has been a step forward!

All of recovering is about tiny steps. The fact that your work are putting pressure onto you (either directly or indirectly) can't be helping and the worry and uncertainty of where to live definetly cant be! You need to focus on you - it sounds like your boyfriend is a huge support, so let him support you - if it means him working overtime and he is 'happy' to for a little while, then accept that! It will give you time to get a little bit stronger and be able to deal with one thing at a time - otherwise, what is the alternative?? You carry on getting worse and then he will either lose you or have to work overtime for so much longer because you have got yourself down so low with worry and stress that it will take an age for you to recover!

Sending big hugs lovely - it does get better! But you are not well, so focus on getting better!!  xx

[Angelina]

Thank you everybody, it makes me cry to read this thread as I have to deal with my situation and think about it but it's helping a lot.

I was paid full pay for a couple of months of sick leave, then half pay, I'm now on statutory sick pay and I've had a letter saying that runs out in a couple of weeks. Then I'll be paid nothing. I've looked into ESA and I can get it while I'm still officially at work, but I need to officially move in with my boyfriend and sort out the council tax etc. But now work's written about me having another health management meeting to sort out how to aid my coming back to work and to decide when that should be, which I don't really understand as I'm signed off and really they can't choose when that'll be happening. They can have my medical records if they want, I have nothing to hide but as they've already made me do a drugs test I feel now they're trying to find a way to get rid of me. Plus the letter mentioned that I should be in direct contact with my manager and if I want my boyfriend to talk to my manager I have to put it in writing. Despite the fact he's been the one talking to her for 5 months already, I can't do phone conversations at the moment. I panic and cry and can't speak. So they will have to deal with talking to him, he knows everything and can talk like a rational human being. With me I'll cry and put down the phone.

So I think my next step at least is to officially move here. I know somebody who knows about employment so I'm going to find out more about the money I will have to pay back, it's 600 pounds I just don't have straight away. I'm signed off and though I want a job I know I will not be able to cope going back there for a long time, by which time my qualification deadline will have run out anyway. I do work in a similar line of work Munchroom, they really do not like anything mentioned about them online so I'm trying to tread a thin line that won't get me in trouble, even my name could probably cause issues but I have to be allowed to talk about this.

As for my boyfriend, he is lovely and has helped hugely. Though in the past has cheated and abandoned me. I honestly believe he's changed and grown up (he's a little younger than me and I've seen a huge change in him during the past year) but there is doubt there that I'll quit my job and move and he'll cheat or not want to look after me anymore. Rationally I can't see it happening but of course the doubt takes a very long time to go away. So I feel like nothing is completely certain in my life.

[angel3077]

hugs angelina tell us how you get on