Hello
My names Rebecca. Iv suffered with Depression since i was 16, and im now 25.
My last real breakdown was in 2006 and lasted for three and a half years, I was in a very bad way. I was on citalpahram 60 mg, and had three real suicide attempts.
After a long battle, lots of meds, will power and CBT i thought id finally got rid of it for good.
A month and a half ago i realized this was not the case. Iv fallen, and i cant get back up again. Iv taken action by going to the doctors again which was difficult because i feel
like a failure. Im back on citalaphram on a low dose , been on it for a month and haven't noticed much difference so going back for a larger dose next week.
This time around im in a relationship, with someone who says they will be there for me, but when iv succumbed to the illness he cant handle it, gets and angry and wont speak to me
for days.
This as you can imagine fuels the negative voices and i fall even faster. I try to hide it but i simply cant all the time as i live with him. I suspect he may suffer from depression himself,
but he would never admit to it.
My depression is all inwards, i don't get angry, i just get very very sad.
The logical part of my brain recognizes all this and can understand it, but when i get the "Cloud" i retreat inside totally. My boyfriend moans that im miserable, and that im not allowed to
burden him with my emotions. But he claims hes there for me. I feel he wants to help but just cant.
Im frightened, as although im slowing the descent with my actions, im still descending. And knowing my self destructive behavior, i may well sabotage these efforts. And i cant afford to
now. I work part time in a stressful admin job and study full time at university.
I don't really know why im posting this, i suppose im asking for help. But theres nothing anyone else can do.
Apologies for my negativity, my boyfreind is currently sleeping in another room tonight to "get away from me" When iv tried my up most all day to be positive, i only moaned at him once
for not helping me with the housework. im feeling very vulnerable tonight. I don't cut but i do burn, So im sleeping on the couch with my trusty lighter next to me