Hello my names Rebecca iv just registered

[overcastrainbow]

Hello
My names Rebecca. Iv suffered with Depression since i was 16, and im now 25.
My last real breakdown was in 2006 and lasted for three and a half years, I was in a very bad way. I was on citalpahram 60 mg, and had three real suicide attempts.
After a long battle, lots of meds, will power and CBT i thought id finally got rid of it for good.

A month and a half ago i realized this was not the case. Iv fallen, and i cant get back up again. Iv taken action by going to the doctors again which was difficult because i feel
like a failure. Im back on citalaphram on a low dose , been on it for a month and haven't noticed much difference so going back for a larger dose next week. 

This time around im in a relationship, with someone who says they will be there for me, but when iv succumbed to the illness he cant handle it, gets and angry and wont speak to me
for days.
This as you can imagine fuels the negative voices and i fall even faster. I try to hide it but i simply cant all the time as i live with him.  I suspect he may suffer from depression himself,
 but he would never admit to it.
My depression is all inwards, i don't get angry, i just get very very sad.

The logical part of my brain recognizes all this and can understand it, but when i get the "Cloud" i retreat inside totally. My boyfriend moans that im miserable, and that im not allowed to
 burden him with my emotions. But he claims hes there for me. I feel he wants to help but just cant.

Im frightened, as although im slowing the descent with my actions, im still descending. And knowing my self destructive behavior, i may well sabotage these efforts. And i cant afford to
 now. I work part time in a stressful admin job and study full time at university.

I don't really know why im posting this, i suppose im asking for help. But theres nothing anyone else can do.

Apologies for my negativity, my boyfreind is currently sleeping in another room tonight to "get away from me" When iv tried my up most all day to be positive, i only moaned at him once
for not helping me with the housework. im feeling very vulnerable tonight. I don't cut but i do burn, So im sleeping on the couch with my trusty lighter next to me

[cornish]

hey and welcome
i was dubious about asking for help on forums, but this place is a huge life saver for me, im sure you will find help, guidance and friendship like i have.

[overcastrainbow]

I cant speak about it to most people, my family would worry, and my friends although they are helpful in there own way, don't truly understand. Plus i have a lot of hangups about being a burden to people.
I feel if i don't make this physical and let some people see im suffering, il just fade away........which frankly sounds like a good idea if i could figure out how to do it

[cornish]

you can speak to us about it, we understand, i feel like a burden a lot of the time and im sure others here feel the same.
the physical thing, thats not something you really want to get into, now im not trying to give you any ideas or condone this but mine is shown physically though self harm, its really not a nice thing, if i had a choice of being able to go back and not do it then i would, yes people may notice it but you wont want them to, i used to feel extremly ashamed of it and when people see it they treat you very diffrently and not in a way that you want. 
 the only option i see for showing this illness with no bad effect might be one of those illness aware rubber bracelet thingeys or a medical bracelet, i was advised to wear one of those due to the other illness and the controlled medication im on (i dont due to a huge phobia of jewelery, i dont even own a watch  ), but i have a medical id card instead in my wallet, well i did till i lost it 

[Depina]

Welcome
A lot of what you say is familiar to me re the cloud feeling.
Your partner I can understand because it is almost impossible to help each other when you are both depressed or stressed ( i know from my own experience) hard for you though - all the extra worry.
Maybe you need a higher dose, me just up from 30 to 40 Citalopram ( some days I 'm ok  :) and others not  "£"

It is v hard for others to understand - I don't really tell people about it. You can on here though  :)

I get anxious and frightened too.

You did very well before so hoping this is just a glitch and you will be back on track soon. Wonderful that you are doing a job AND full time at uni.

Don't despair, the people on here are helpful,understanding and understand some of what you are going  through.

Take Care
D XX

[Depina]

Hows things Cornish, Night I'm off to bed now ( slept for 4 hours already today - Oh well)

DXX

[cornish]

Hows things Cornish, Night I'm off to bed now ( slept for 4 hours already today - Oh well)

DXX

not too good at the moment

im still wide away and my new alarm clock (after destroying my old one, luckily i keep a spare   ) is set for 5am and i havnet slept since well i dunno really 

[Zaf]

Hi Rebecca and welcome

My depression comes back from time to time too, its good you recognised the symptoms and went to your doctor, I am on citralopram too, my GP said I needed to start on a lower dose then increase it slowly as it can apparently make us nauseus if we go on the higher dose first.

You are not a failure, these days its recognised that on many occasions its very strong people that suffer from it ( it might be worth googling "depressive illness the curse of the strong" and you are taking on a lot with a stressful job, full time study and, presumably, doing a fair bit around your home.

This place is a lifeline for me, I can pour out my woes, share my better days and I know no one will judge me because they all understand how this horrible illness affects us.  I hope you find it as helpful xx

[overcastrainbow]

Thank you for all your kind words.

I do have a history of self harm, but for me it wasnt for the pain it was for the scar. i wanted to see each time i failed to hold myself together. I have so far avoided doing this, except once these past few months.

I do do alot, but i find if im not busy i fall apart. Unfortunately i push myself forward when i need to rest as well, And then fall apart anyway.

Im goign to the doctor on friday to get a higher dose.

This morning i feel terrible, i have to leave for work shortly. I slept for a few hours on the sofa last night and my boyfriend isn't speaking to me still.  So im trying to stop the spiral this morning.
Knowing i have to organize
work is making me feel sick. So i better be off otherwise i wont go.

Thank you again for your kind words and il be on here later

[Zaf]

Rebecca,  would it be possible for you to leave work or find a less stressful job?  I know that would be stressful in itself but in the long run it might be better for you.

I'm not sure what to advise about your boyfriend but there are others that probably can help there

xx

[Depina]

Hope you have a good day Rainbow
Spk later
D XX

[Lol]

Hello Rebecca. All your symptoms and the way your other half is reacting to them are entirely normal. It is very important that you both understand how depression manifests and what it is capable of so that you can attribute (and particularly so that your partner can) your feelings and reactions to this very real illness which can help to minimise the frustration and confusion it causes. Please education yourself and ask your partner to read the same things you do so that you both understand as much as you can.

In here, we understand that already! So we're not going to judge you, we may not know exactly how you feel but we have all been through similar things and will help you where ever we can. Don't shy away from asking any questions you might want to because 9.9/10 we have asked the same questions ourselves!!!! You will be amazed how almost identical everyones feeling are, even if their circumstances are different.

[overcastrainbow]

Hya , an update for the day - work sent me home after I received a text from my boyfriend telling me he doesn't know if he wants to be with me as the relationship is feeling as though its based on pity. I couldn't work so I wandered around aimlessly for a few hours until a friend picked me up. I'm at hers now, feel very low and drained, its the first time this time around, that iv felt it would be easier to step out in front of a car. I'm at my friends, trying to get the energy to leave. It's not the arguments with my boyfriend which has caused the depression this time. But its really not helping ... unfortunatly I have to work to afford university and not that many jobs are as flexible or pay as well as mine does.

[Depina]

Sorry your day didn't go well Rebecca,
Hopefully when your tablets start working you will feel more able to cope.
Could you see your doctor earlier than Fri?
What subject are you doing at uni?
Look after yourself &*(
D XX

[Zaf]

Rebecca, if the feelings of not wanting to go on persist please either phone the samaritans, a good friend or even 999.

Sorry to hear about your boyfriend, some people simply dont seem to be able to cope with us when we get depressed