Hi everyone, I'm new on here so still finding my way around... I joined after coming across some other people's posts on this forum and it seemed to be a really supportive atmosphere. So, if I may, I'd like to share my situation with you and would really like to hear what people think... and if anyone can shed any light on why I might be feeling the way I'm feeling, if anyone else feels similar and if there is something I can do to feel better? I'd really appreciate it.
Ok, so, a bit of background about me. I'm 23 years old, 24 in October. When I was 18 I moved out to live in Egypt, and I got married there at 21 to an Egyptian man. I came back to the UK last year as I decided I wanted to study and, being unhappy in Egypt, I thought maybe being out there was part of the problem.
Wow, this is really hard to write! Ok, so this is how I've been feeling. I can't remember ever being 'happy', but for a period of at least 3 years, I have been feeling worse and worse mentally. I wake up in cold sweats in the morning, have extreme trouble getting to sleep and feel lethargic and exhausted most of the day. I have the most horrific mood swings, and feel completely overwhelmed by everything at times. I cry an abnormal amount of the time, often over the smallest things, or over nothing. I have changes in the way I see things, which is really hard to explain... I mean, I have shifts in the my viewpoint that are quite dramatic... in the way I view myself, my gender, my sexual orientation, my social status, my ideals, my opinions... etc etc... fluctuate erratically. More recently I've been feeling extreme anger and irritibality.... people around me annoy me; I can't bear to hear people eating, breathing, talking- and even though I know it's irrational and illogical, small things infuriate me and I feel myself becoming enraged! I hate feeling like this! I find myself becoming offended or annoyed by what other people say so, so easily, even when I know it's unreasonable to feel that way. I'm so oversensitive all the time it's exhausting and tiring, for me and, I imagine, for the people around me, too. I also have periods where I have feelings of extreme guilt or shame- either in general or over minor things, which I know are minor but I'll feel guilty about them anyway. One such period of guilt, a few years ago as a teenager, (over something ridiculous) nearly led to me being driven to suicide as I was that desperate to escape the feeling, even though I knew the guilt was exaggerated.
Over the past couple of weeks especially I've had an intense sense of 'unreality'... that everything is fabricated, fake, and- most of all- pointless. Even the little enjoyments I used to have seem to have disappeared and now seem empty to me. I have very little motivation to do anything, but also feel frustrated that I do nothing.Recently, I got a job in London but couldn't cope with it. I had to hold back bursting into tears several times during the few days that I was there and in the end I had to come back home. I had a similar reaction to my last job in Egypt before I came back here. I'm now anxious about doing anything or getting any sort of job as I worry I'll be the same. I'm supposed to start University in September and worry that I won't be able to cope. Academically I do very well and got top marks on my Access to Higher Education course. This is because I could do the essays etc at my own pace and work around my low moods, but in a real job I would have to be able to cope 8 hours a day and I don't think I could do that.
I don't know what the problem is any more. I have been searching and searching for the root cause of the way I am feeling. Sometimes I think I can identify the problem and then think that maybe that is more of a consequence! For example, My relationship with my husband (who is now in the UK with me) has been an extremely rocky one. Sometimes I feel this is one of the major factors in the way I'm feeling, and other times I recognise that a lot of the problems in my relationship are at least partly to do with my erratic emotions, insecurity and moodiness. It's a vicious circle- I'm desperate for the support and a connection in my relationship but I push him away. The same applies in other areas of my life, such as work and friends.... I get miserable because I have no friends but can't seem to make or keep any because I'm so anxious and moody. I have no self esteem because I haven't got a job but at the same time I'm unable to maintain one.
Sometimes I feel better and get excited about things but only in my head- and it's only ever short-lived. I feel so disconnected from the world, so confused, lost and desperate. I have such a deep, penetrating sense of sadness and despair I feel if I were ever to really let loose I would fall apart. I feel so different from everyone else in the world, as if they all get a joke that I don't. I've always felt like that, ever since childhood. And whilst I don't wish I were dead, as I know the misery it would inflict on those around me, I do wish my mother had spared me the trauma of being born into this world, and I can't say I'll be sorry to leave it eventually. When I look around me I can't imagine how other people can even function and be happy, how they can see the point in anything or how they can not be overwhelmed by it all.
Sorry for the long post, is there anyone who can help me? I have been meaning to go to the doctors for years about the way I am feeling but there have been several things holding me back. First of all, the fear that the doctor will think I'm just another woman moaning about life when really I 'have it all'. Secondly, that I don't really believe that any means of treatment they could give me would be effective. I've also been to a few counsellors but didn't go again after the first session. I wanted to come here first, I just needed to write it all down and get it out even if no-one comments! If you've gotten this far thanks for taking the time to read it and please, please if anyone has any advice or thoughts I would really appreciate it.
