First off, hello and it's nice to meet you all!
I am 22, in full time employment and I think i have had depression since my early teens. I’ve always thought I was different, I could never make real friends and it always seemed like school kids didn’t want to get to know me. college was the same and work is too. I’m quite quiet and I don’t always feel heard and have idea that no one wants to listen to me. Everytime I speak someone decides to speak over me.
I go from complete highs of ‘I can do this’ to lows of ‘nothing is worth it.’
In June I got fed up with a ‘friend’ who would talk about my problems to people when I’ve told her not to, said hurtful things at times and I had put trust in her. I deleted her and all our associated mates because I know, they would all follow suit with her in the end. I am sad as I liked one of them, but she would never make any effort to come to see me. and to make it worse I was fed up with seeing the ‘friend’ talk about this girl behind her back, so i don’t want that feeling of paranoia anymore. I know I should have talked things out, but what would be the point? I didn’t want arguments so I ended it all, all contact.
last night I lost yet another friend. She asked me something, which wasn’t huge, but I knew it came from that ‘friend’ and it has angered me, because I’m still hearing things that she talks about me, even when I have tried to keep everything to myself. She proceeded to tell me that I was petty and that the person who had talked about my problems to people was a good friend and that she didn’t want to get involved in my problems and that they weren’t as real as hers. I didn’t go into why the ‘friend’ wasn’t a good friend because I don’t think it’s right if I talk about someone behind their back. I said you don’t have to talk to me then if you feel like that, and that im not asking her to get involved, and never did. She then deleted me.
Yes, I am over sensitive. I know that, I do cry a lot and I do get upset, people have told me before that they are treading on egg shells, but it is not even funny things. It’s times when ive trusted people not to say things and they’ve let it out, or they’ve told people I’m crazy or that I don’t keep secrets. I can feel myself becoming withdrawn from the world and not being able to form relationships.
I know, it all sounds petty. But it’s hurting me, I can’t seem to control anything im doing and it seems like I’m always upsetting someone. I can’t do what I want as I’m scared other people will ruin it for me or ill ruin it for myself. I don’t have any real friends. I only go to work and come home and paint. Which I am happy with, but I don’t get invited to things anymore. It just feels like it’s all my fault and ill never get anywhere. It’s just this is all stopping me as I do have a mum for support. But that’s all I have. I don’t want to end up being alone or wasting my life. But I feel horrible towards myself as all I’ve done is get rid of people.
I'm sorry it's so long and it may seem like nothing bt it hurts and i jusfeel alone.
