Crap, in a word. Over something I should be ashamed of too. Hubby has 2 boys from previous marriage, now 21 and 19. He pays a shedload of maintanance despite the fact they both get the usual grants/loans/whatever. They are both at Cambridge so no slackers lovely lads actually. Meanwhile hubby and I, whilst not exactly out on the streets, are able to pay the bills and every so often have to tighten the purse strings - at the moment I am flogging various bits of stuff on ebay to try and raise money to buy us a new bed. I know I should be grateful for what I have, I know the maintanance money is between him and his ex, I know lots of ppl are worse off, blah blah blah....but it doesn't stop me feeling the way I do. I know I am a bad person for being so selfish, but it is so frustrating. We have had to cut back on a lot after Xmas, we can't afford a decent hol, we go camping with our dogs, great in the wonderful British weather, got flooded out in Wales last July.
Sigh...I am just so frustrated. I feel, I KNOW I come second to his boys and I understand its a legal agreement etc, but I am angry with him for not wanting to cut down the payments a bit since they went to uni so he and I can have a little more. God bless hubby, he totally understands my frustration and we don't argue about it, but I still feel the way I feel. I have worked hard all my life, I just want a bit more for myself, for us now. I'm NOT ungrateful, I love my hubby and our home and I know we have a lot more than most ppl, but I can't help how I feel. I got so frustrated and angry, I came upstairs with my laptop and came on here, I wanted to go self harm but came here instead. Unsure if this will get the frustration out of my system but it's worth a try.
It's funny, I am not usually very materialistic, but tonight I am just fed up looking round at the house and the 'tattyness' in some places. Part of my mental health issues is difficulty in coping with 'stuff' in my space, clutter, disorganisation around me - I have to put books neatly in size order on the shelves, make sure curtains hang straight with no gaps or unevenness, lids are screwed straight on jars, pillows face a certain way, shoes lined up, can't cope with bits of rubbish lying around, as I type this I am sat on the bed in our bedroom, there are cobwebs on the ceiling, dog hair rolling like bloody tumbleweed across the floor, couple of effing huge screws in the wall where we had a picture hanging months ago and they have never been taken out of the wall and the holes filled, I feel I am living my whole life in a controlled scream, if I let rip I'll never stop. I know it sounds funny and it even makes me smile, but I was watching 'The Real Housewives of Orange County' this aft and craving the cleanliness and order they have in their lives, the physical stuff, I mean, spotless and tidy and perfectly equipped houses, a place for everything and everything in its place. My house is full of chaos and crap, so am I. I desperately try and tidy stuff, throw stuff away or give it to a charity shop, sort stuff out, hence selling stuff on ebay at the moment, but the clutter and 'stuff' creeps back like a living thing bent on breaking me.
For the last few months we have had a cleaning team come once a month for 2.5 hours and that has helped my sanity, but we are having to cut back financially now, and now that my work is quietening down (I have an online gifts and toys retail business and Oct-Dec is my busiest time), I said to hubby that I will cancel that and we can do the cleaning ourselves between us. I wonder if subconsciously that is what is making me mad and manic tonight. It's £45 a month and we can't afford it, mean while hubby is paying maintanance of F*CKLOADS more than a pitiful £45 a month. God, I am an evil person for thinking so selfishly.
I'm not typing this so everyone can sh*t on me about how evil and selfish I am, I just want to talk, I really want to try get this out of me, get it written down in case it might help me calm down.
I thought I was doing really well at the moment. My business made a modest profit for the first time this Christmas, I had a gastric bypass last Sept and I am down 3 dress sizes and nearly 4 stone, I stopped drinking 2 years ago in March (I was an alcoholic), I have a lovely hubby and 3 adorable canine kids, I have a couple of lovely and caring friends and live in a beautiful village, all is the best it's ever been for me. Yet tonight, inside I am screaming. I suppose it's just part of the depression and I guess it will pass. I'm on a high dose of antidepressants and don't want to go higher unless absolutely necessary, and I think this will pass, but it feels f*cking awful having to bear the mad and bad feelings until it does. It's at times like this that I would have turned to drink or binge eating for smother the feelings, or self harm; I can't physically do either of the first two (am on anti-drink meds) tho I can still cut, but I am trying not to, trying to exhaust myself here so when I finally sign off I can't be bothered to go cut.
Gonna sign off now, my back is aching hunching over the keyboard so I will take a Nytol and lie down and watch something on Youtube to distract me from everything if I can. Thanks for being here.
