Author Topic: How are you feeling today?  (Read 221657 times)

Leo

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Re: How are you feeling today?
« Reply #6210 on: January 16, 2013, 07:51:13 PM »
Nothing in particular has triggered it.  I am really angry at CMHT though as I don't feel they are helping.

I do have a stash of various medications. I have, however sat down to write a complaint letter to CMHT, so if nothing else its a distraction. Ill be here tonight out of spite lol.

I am only me. That is all I can be.
No more, no less, don't second guess.
I love, I live, I laugh, I cry.
I've wished sometimes that I could die.
Some days I'm funny, others I'm not.
Sometimes I'm in overdrive, and I can't stop.
You may not like me, but that's ok, because this is me and how ill stay.

Catbrian

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Re: How are you feeling today?
« Reply #6211 on: January 16, 2013, 08:49:59 PM »
I took out a complaint against my CMHT.... went all official, up to the Chief Executive.  I've not been able to talk about it much because it has massively frustrated and angered me and I all but put it to the back of my mind. 

I just got their official papers of the complaint and their findings.  It's nothing I didn't expect, a load of bureaucratic baloney, covering their own backside.  It has the potential of p'ing me right off so I ripped it up and threw it.  At the end of the day, my issues came from a CMHT who were in the midst of their own drama, with 3 staff resigning and 1 being suspended, oh and the manager going on long term sick leave.  None of this has officially been admitted but it is the fundamental cause.  I can live with that.  My CPN is probably one of the best, although a bit of a pushy mare who pokes her nose in to places it shouldn't be, but I can deal with that. 

But the thing is, it's taken me the best part of a year, in fact, almost to the day, to establish myself with the Psychiatrist and a CPN who's my Care Coordinator.  She must have between 30 & 40 other live (head) cases to deal with

The bottom line is that I/we have enough on our plates trying to cope with daily depression that is relentless and despairing.  For me, I had to revert all my attention back to myself and my own recovery.

Stacey

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Re: How are you feeling today?
« Reply #6212 on: January 16, 2013, 11:56:19 PM »
Feeling really fed up with things at the moment. Citalopram has really lifted me but makes me feel tired 24/7.

I miss my boyfriend which also makes me sad. I want some comfort.xxx

Leo

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Re: How are you feeling today?
« Reply #6213 on: January 17, 2013, 08:33:47 PM »
I was irritable this morning, this afternoon and now I feel hyper.
I am only me. That is all I can be.
No more, no less, don't second guess.
I love, I live, I laugh, I cry.
I've wished sometimes that I could die.
Some days I'm funny, others I'm not.
Sometimes I'm in overdrive, and I can't stop.
You may not like me, but that's ok, because this is me and how ill stay.

Jon

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Re: How are you feeling today?
« Reply #6214 on: January 18, 2013, 01:28:34 PM »
Six weeks ago I was feeling depressed and helpless. I began practicing Mindfulness meditation on the advice of a friend. It has helped me enormously. I no longer feel besieged by negative thoughts and feelings. I'm now living a lot more comfortably in the moment.

Stacey

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Re: How are you feeling today?
« Reply #6215 on: January 18, 2013, 07:32:28 PM »
I want to die. I have never wanted it more than now.

Catbrian

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Re: How are you feeling today?
« Reply #6216 on: January 18, 2013, 08:30:32 PM »
Jon you are always an inspiration.  I have also been concentrating a lot of my thoughts on my spirituality and trying to think and view things from that perspective.  It does help and Mindfulness is definitely something I will check out.

Hi Stacey, long time since I've seen ya around.  What's been happening?   I've not been around much lately, so apologies if I've been missing something.  Why are you feeling so bad?  What's happening with the Citalopram?  Are you taking it at bedtime?

Jon

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Re: How are you feeling today?
« Reply #6217 on: January 18, 2013, 08:36:51 PM »
That you, Catb. You inspire me too. All good things, Jon

Jayfur

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Re: How are you feeling today?
« Reply #6218 on: January 18, 2013, 10:05:48 PM »
Crap, in a word.  Over something I should be ashamed of too.   Hubby has 2 boys from previous marriage, now 21 and 19.   He pays a shedload of maintanance despite the fact they both get the usual grants/loans/whatever.   They are both at Cambridge so no slackers lovely lads actually.  Meanwhile hubby and I, whilst not exactly out on the streets, are able to pay the bills and every so often have to tighten the purse strings - at the moment I am flogging various bits of stuff on ebay to try and raise money to buy us a new bed.   I know I should be grateful for what I have, I know the maintanance money is between him and his ex, I know lots of ppl are worse off, blah blah blah....but it doesn't stop me feeling the way I do.  I know I am a bad person for being so selfish, but it is so frustrating.  We have had to cut back on a lot after Xmas, we can't afford a decent hol, we go camping with our dogs, great in the wonderful British weather, got flooded out in  Wales last July. 

Sigh...I am just so frustrated.  I feel,  I KNOW I come second to his boys and I understand its a legal agreement etc, but I am angry with him for not wanting to cut down the payments a bit since they went to uni so he and I can have a little more.   God bless hubby, he totally understands my frustration and we don't argue about it, but I still feel the way I feel.   I have worked hard all my life, I just want a bit more for myself, for us now.   I'm NOT ungrateful, I   love my hubby and our home and I know we have a lot more than most ppl, but I can't help how I feel.    I got so frustrated and angry, I came upstairs with my laptop and came on here, I wanted to go self harm but came here instead.  Unsure if this will get the frustration out of my system but it's worth a try.   

It's funny, I am not usually very materialistic, but tonight I am just fed up looking round at the house and the 'tattyness' in some places.    Part of my mental health issues is difficulty in coping with 'stuff' in my space, clutter, disorganisation around me - I have to put books neatly in size order on the shelves, make sure curtains hang straight with no gaps or unevenness, lids are screwed straight on jars, pillows face a certain way, shoes lined up, can't cope with bits of rubbish lying around, as I type this I am sat on the bed in our bedroom, there are cobwebs on the ceiling, dog hair rolling like bloody tumbleweed across the floor, couple of effing huge screws in the wall where we had a picture hanging months ago and they have never been taken out of the wall and the holes filled, I feel I am living my whole life in a controlled scream, if I let rip I'll never stop.  I know it sounds  funny and it even makes me smile, but I was watching 'The Real Housewives of Orange County' this aft and craving the cleanliness and order they have in their lives, the physical stuff, I mean, spotless and tidy and perfectly equipped houses, a place for everything and everything in its place.   My house is full of chaos and crap, so am I.   I desperately try and tidy stuff, throw stuff away or give it to a charity shop, sort stuff out, hence selling stuff on ebay at the moment, but the clutter and 'stuff' creeps back like a living thing bent on breaking me.

For the last few months we have had a cleaning team come once a month for 2.5 hours and that has helped my sanity, but we are having to cut back financially now, and now that my work is quietening down (I have an online gifts and toys retail business and Oct-Dec is my busiest time), I said to hubby that I will cancel that and we can do the cleaning ourselves  between us.   I wonder if subconsciously that is what is making me mad and manic tonight.  It's £45 a month and we can't afford it, mean while hubby is paying maintanance of F*CKLOADS more than a pitiful £45 a month.   God, I am an evil person for thinking so selfishly.

I'm not typing this so everyone can sh*t on me about how evil and selfish I am, I just want to talk, I really want to try get this out of me, get it written down in case it might help me calm down.

I thought I was doing really well at the moment.   My business made a modest profit for the first time this Christmas, I had a gastric bypass last Sept and I am down 3 dress sizes and nearly 4 stone, I stopped drinking 2 years ago in March (I was an alcoholic), I have a lovely hubby and 3 adorable canine kids, I have a couple of lovely and caring friends and live in a beautiful village, all is the best it's ever been for me.   Yet tonight, inside I am screaming.   I suppose it's just part of the depression and I guess it will pass.   I'm on a high dose of antidepressants and don't want to go higher unless absolutely necessary, and I think this will pass, but it feels f*cking awful having to bear the mad and bad feelings until it does.   It's at times like this that I would have turned to drink or binge eating for smother the feelings, or self harm; I can't physically do either of the first two (am on anti-drink meds) tho I can still cut, but I am trying not to, trying to exhaust myself here so when I finally sign off I can't be bothered to go cut.

Gonna sign off now, my back is aching hunching over the keyboard so I will take a Nytol and lie down and watch something on Youtube to distract me from everything if I can.   Thanks for being here.
Success is relative: I'm still here, that makes me a success  :)

woozywoo

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Re: How are you feeling today?
« Reply #6219 on: January 19, 2013, 01:26:58 AM »
Its late, but feel like I need a friend  :-\

Catbrian

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Re: How are you feeling today?
« Reply #6220 on: January 19, 2013, 03:57:29 PM »
Jayfur....I don't think there is anyone who could think you selfish or bad. I'm not surprised you're hubby understands your feelings because you have a very balanced and understandable point of view, so please try not to be so hard on yourself. 

You sound to have good insight and should be feeling proud that you have changed so much about your situation.  You really do deserve a reward and I do hope things pick up for you.  Financial worry can totally destroy every last ounce of our fight against depression.  I think you have made the right move coming onto the Forum rather than self-harm, I hope you manage to maintain that momentum.

Woozy... sorry I didn't see your message before now.  Are you okay?

Zaf

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Re: How are you feeling today?
« Reply #6221 on: January 19, 2013, 05:19:42 PM »
Physically yukky, no idea why
Certain things catch your eye, but pursue only those that capture your heart.

Michael Frankum

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Re: How are you feeling today?
« Reply #6222 on: January 19, 2013, 07:05:56 PM »
Zaf, I'm sorry to hear that you aren't feeling good.  %^% You are always so good at giving comfort and reassurance to others. You're a very special person, and I hope that you can start feeling better soon. Michael.

Jayfur

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Re: How are you feeling today?
« Reply #6223 on: January 19, 2013, 07:49:09 PM »
Hey Catb, thank you for your nice words  :)   Yes, posting did keep me from self harming    $%$   &(*
Success is relative: I'm still here, that makes me a success  :)

stewart

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Re: How are you feeling today?
« Reply #6224 on: January 21, 2013, 08:04:37 PM »
still feeling low as normal, but do feel good that i have done my web site,
Without Love we are just a handfull of chemicals suspended in water