Cornish - the fact that you can recognise that you are 'going downhill' AND the fact that you have a hill to go down are both positives!! Ok, I know that sounds super cheesy and they definitley dont feel like postives right now, but you are a fighter!! you have got this far and you have opened up and made some fantastic friends on here over the last few months who all care deeply about you. Wednesday will be a big day for you - but we will all be here to support you when its over and I, for one, am really really hoping that they manage to pull some more sessions out of the bag somehow!!
Holykimura - Your job sounds incredibly stresfull. As Zaf said, it is hard to tell whether you are doing the right thing or not and even more so for you because right now you probably just want someone to say 'Right, do X, Y and Z and it will be the best thing for you and your family!' All I can tell you is that I did stay doing a job when I really shouldnt have and got myself so ill. At first, it was feeling a little bit nervous the night before work but putting on a brave face and dealing with it but very quickly it turned into... hell, I'm not gonna lie! I was anxious all the time, on the drive home from work, I was already dreading the next day. I couldn't enjoy doing things at home, I couldn't even enjoy my weekends because the anxiety was ever present (I think the depression had been slowly building for months before this and all of it was just the final straw...) I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat... I spent my lunchtimes in tears not knowing how I was going to cope with the afternoon... I was looking for any way out and could only come up with suicide as an answer - I came very very close to it. To this day, 15 months on, I cannot drive my car because it brings back all the feelings of anxiety... I don't mean to scare you, not at all - and I'm not saying that it will all happen exactly the same way!! But it is not normal to feel as anxious about work as you are describing, you are not being 'picky' at all, its your mind and body going 'Hang on, we're not coping with this... HELP!!'
One thing i would suggest is applying for jobs in areas which you enjoy - or in areas that test you physically. I never really did anything in my garden before all of this - but I have found gardening to be a fantastic form of therapy! You can lose yourself for hours... Whatever you do, don't apply for any old job just to get yourself out of this one, you may be jumping out of the preverbial frying pan!
Alstare, you have had a really good evening by the sounds of it and its wonderful that you can have evenings like that. You are bound to be feeling a little down and tearful because that is what the depression does! It is so cruel like that.... but, as hard as it may be, try and focus on the positives :) You have had what sounds like a great evening, eaten something and have probably been great company, you are tired now but that is to be expected. I hope you'll sleep well tonight.
Zaf - Are you back from your few days away? How was it??
Lol - Thinking of you - just keep focusing on that holiday and all the mischief that you will be getting upto!!
I've been ok today... I've managed to dye my hair and make my christmas cake, which is what I set out to do, so thats good. Am very very tired now though - looking forward to my bed and hoping I still feel like I'm either just above the water or leaping out of it tomorrow morning!! Fingers crossed!!
