How do I move on and what help should I seek to do this please

[LFC4Life]

Hi all, erm never really posted anything like this but could really do with some honest 3rd party opinions regarding the subject title please. I don't know if this is the right section or the right site TBH but please bare with me.. SORRY in advance for what might be a long post!

Ok so I am a 32 yr old male from Liverpool (liverpool fan for my sins!) I have been inflicted/suffering with depression/anxiety and been told I have a personality disorder by a pyscologist (spelling??) during one of my stays in hospital (stoddart house) I am married with 2 children boy 16 months daughter 7 weeks, married 2 years but we were "first loves" 13 years ago for a few years and few things happened! which are for another thread lol.. I have 2 children from a previous relationship, all kids to 2 women only not spread all over the place!

Ok so basically my childhood consisted of me getting sexually abused by my eldest brother (ten years older) and physically abused/beaten by so called father (when he was'nt beating &$%+ out of my mother) I can recall events in my mind and dreams as if they were yesterday (half the problem)

I left home at 17 (not through choice) my mum in the previous 12 months prior to this, had gone though a acute stroke and a heart bypass along with grand parents passing away whilst mother in hospital. I held down a good few jobs in IT/call centres/stuff for a while after then things started turning worse than they had been.

All the while I tried my best to please so called brother and father, have a middle brother but not close as he is 8 years older, NO other family.. I think at that time I just blocked out all the abuse and turned to drink and later drugs (lots of them)

Brother/abuser, I dont know why but I tried to please him, or do things like best mates do, go on the piss etc even at one point we worked in the same job same shifts etc then one night in 2005 I confronted him about the abuse (after both been out drinking) cue nect 18 months not speaking then one night he turns up at my front door with bag full of cans and saying sorry "for whatever happened" and can we start over.. we did sort of.. although he knew that I knew type thing was going on..

(trying to keep this short as poss sorry)

I have had wide gaps (years) of not speaking to family because of the above, I have never told anyone about the abuse apart from my wife. I have sort of become the "black sheep" of the family, even though they are all either dirty scum peodophiles gambling addicts or wife beaters.

My kids from previous relationship I had big problems with bonding with I stupidly thought they would reject me or other things like I shouldnt bath them because its wrong?? I am now on medication and that does not happen with kids with my wife, although at first it was very hard but things are getting better.

Growing up seeing your dad beat your mother over leaving a tea bag on the kitchen sink instead of putting it straight in the bin, and never being told your loved or wanted or to come home and find all your xmas toys smashed up in the back garden due to an arguement kinda screws my head up but its took a long time for me to want help. I have spent approx 12 months all in all in various hospitals but never really helped.

I used to self harm, either stanley blades/shaving razors or broken glass kitchen knives ciggie burns, never did it to end it but to leave scars.. is it normal to enjoy the hurt? my arms and my upper legs hands  are scarred but I do wear my Liverpool shirts/short sleaved shirts now, don't care!! Not self harmed for about 6 months and not planning on it, but the other day I was putting a metal shed up in my garden and without realising picked up a sheet of metal without gloves on and gave me a sort of paper cut and it reminded me of it gave me the same sort of gratification, wife asked if I had done it on purpose!

When I was single or working 70-80 hour weeks and drinking it was easy??? to forget and fill my mind with whatever but the past 3 years I have not worked and not working means thinking too much.. I sometimes sleep till the cows never come home others toss n turn night after night.

So erm to cut this short! basically how the feck do I move on I have continual thoughts about childhood and abuse. I dont see my mum yet so called brother is the king &$%+ amongst them all.. he is the blue eyed boy so to speak, WHY is this happening?? he did what he did yet continues to have an easy life with his own kids partner and my family.. WHY do I have to suffer becuase of what he did to me?????????

I went to the police and reported the abuse gave interview and statement to "family crime unit" and was told the decision was mine as to whether I wanted to procede. The detective was actually quite good and basically explained if I said yes he would be arrested interviewed etc, but in the end because of the time frame involved the CPS would most likely NOT proceed.. Now, he has a partner and 2 kids, its not thier problem or fault and they would get involved with this.. so I left it at that.. I must say the detective was VERY good. He said whatever I decided he would run with it regardless of the most likely outcome..

So to the moving on part of the subject title, I checked brothers facebook and found a video of all my family celebrating my other brothers wife and their daughters (my neice) joint birthday party. He made the video he was in a lot of the video with MY mum my uncle my neices and nephews him showing off his "perfect kids" (his words) I see him posting on FB about how he has some sort of illness and everyone saying how sorry they are for him..  He is also one of them people who think they are sooo much better than you or I, his kids are soo more clever than ours he brags about this and that yet no matter how often he is shown to be a liar and a BS artist he continues..

How do I move on? I have the wife I always dreamed of, she is perfect to me and always was and will be, she is very supportive of me, I am blessed with 2 children I live with and my 2 kids who live with ex partner, I have a niceISH house in a decent area with a nice garden have nice things but the hatred I have for "my brother" is taking me over so much that I fantasize about him recieving the same amout of pain depression aggression agitation guilt self hatred anxiety paranoia.....

Its took me a long time to get here that I realise I am not well but am stuck I want to be rid of all this and move on with my life with my family, I am a good father but sometimes by past and my illness consumes me to the point I am totally distracted for weeks on end..

So sorry for writing all this PLEASE can you tell me how I move one past this point.. What services can I access to help, I do want help.

thankyou

James

[D 2006]

Hi LFC, I too suffer from being a Liverpool fan - there's no cure for it. It's something you're born with and it never goes away.....ever.

....on a serious note you do appear to need  professional help with this one, your GP being your first port of call.

[Munchroom]

Hi LFC and welcome to the forums....

I completely agree with D 2006 above, you need to seek professional help - you have been through so much and no-one should be expected to deal with all of that by themselves.

Seeking help though is not an easy process though and one that, as I'm sure you are aware, takes time and patience. Hang on in there though - you have battled through so much and you are still here.

And also, please do not worry that your posts are 'too long' or in the wrong place - we're all here to help each other out as best we can and sometimes just getting things that have been buzzing around in your head out can help in itself.

Take care  :)

[lightenup]

Hi James you have come through very difficult times.  Good for logging the abuse.  Reading your post you at the end posted all the great things you have in your life, like your wife etc.  You must concentrate on this good life.  Don't look at your brother's facebook,  you are the better person, and believe he will in some way have to live with his demon's at some point.  Get some help and counselling, think of it as a prop to move you on.  Concentrate you energy to your own life, I know this must be extremely difficult for you, but as I said before you are the better person.  Everyone on here will try and help.  Take care   

[smirfy21]

I think that talking about your abuse to a professional is the first thing you need to do and learning new strategies with CBT- Cognitive Behavioural therapy would be a really good idea.
I may me crossing the line hear and if I am I am sorry but it concernes me that your brother who abused you now has kids are they safe to be around him? especialy as it would seem nobody knows what he did.
this is a very hard situation but I would highly suggest talking to psychiatrist and finding ways to cope with this.
smirfy

[Cazkitten]

I agree with everyone else, you need professional psychological help. I'm aware hospital isn't always helpful, other than basically keeping people safe from themselves when they are very, very unwell and a risk to themselves or others. I've never been admitted, but have been very bad and left getting help far longer than I should have because I was scared of being. I just wondered if you might be wary of getting admitted again - don't let it put you off.
It sounds like you need a long course of psychotherapy - just my unqualified opinion. Your GP might be able to refer you, so go and see them and see what is offered. Sadly, though, on the NHS therapy is hard to get and even if you do, not for long enough. (They want to shove everyone into 10 weeks of CBT   - avoid that, you have serious issues in your family background and CBT won't touch that). There are plenty of charities who offer low-cost therapy (don't know what if anything you can afford). Your local Mind or Rethink will be able to point you in the right direction.
Don't go with just any therapist - this: http://drdeborahserani.blogspot.com/2011/03/how-to-find-good-therapist.html is a good start. Good luck, and take care of yourself. Sounds like minimising contact with your family is healthiest for you right now.