Hello Deb,
Sorry that you're going through such a rough time.
As I've learned to my cost, the classic 'mistake' when dealing with depression is to fight it in a desperate attempt to return to 'normal'. I'm going through it for the nth time myself. However I do find being on medication helps to support the recovery. It sounds like it might do you some good, just to help you to get back on track.
I understand what you mean about being off work. I don't like it either, especially as I genuinely like my job. However after some time I've started to recognise that I sometimes have to stop. You have to be kind to yourself; it's the only way 'normality' will ever come.
Even though I've had depression for some years, compared to where I was I'm doing so much better (though I have to remind myself of that periodically). By learning when I need to stop and when perhaps I need extra support (either people or medication) I can 'manage' it. When I have low points, I do find myself wishing I could just be 'normal'. But when I'm having good periods, boy does it feel good. And maybe I appreciate it more because of the low points?
Basically what I'm saying is, don't be afraid to allow yourself recovery time and be kind to yourself. Don't see medication as a weakness (if that's what you're thinking). I empathise a lot with what you're saying, and it's hard to accept that you need to, just for a bit, slow down.
I hope it works out for you - there is a light there, and some way you'll get to it :)
Ses
