https://www.dailymail.co.uk/lifestyle/family-parenting/article-15296211/cut-contact-mother-relationship-toxic-reconnected-KATE-WILLS.htmlI cut all contact with my mother six years ago. Our relationship was toxic but this was why we reconnected and exactly what happened: KATE WILLS
By KATE WILLS
Published: 16:50, 16 November 2025 | Updated: 16:50, 16 November 2025
To anyone who saw us, it looked like a completely ordinary moment of multi-generational bliss. I was feeding my newborn baby in the playground, while my mother pushed my older daughter on a swing as she screamed with laughter. But for me and many people who know me it felt almost pinch-me unbelievable. For more than six years, I was completely estranged from my mother. Just a year ago we weren’t even talking. Yet now?
We’re closer than ever. The roots of our off-on relationship lie in events of more than 20 years ago. My father had a problem with alcohol, yet it was mum I blamed for my parents’ divorce when I was 11. Four years later, she sold our family home to move away with her new partner and I had to live with dad, who because of his drinking wasn’t able to look after me properly. I stayed in touch with her, though ‘in touch’ isn’t really what you want when you’re 15. She always sent birthday and Christmas presents and we met every few months, sometimes with my older sister, but I dreaded these meetings which were often strained and tense. I felt she was completely uninterested in my life and we had nothing in common. As the years went by, we saw each other less and less and in 2018 having been through my own divorce I made the painful decision to cut off all contact. Although she often tried to get in touch through letters delivered by my sister I didn’t see a way back for us and told myself I felt happier without her in my life. I thought nothing would make me reconsider. Even during the pandemic when many worried about their elderly parents I chose not to contact her. Getting pregnant with my daughter Blake in 2020 made me wish I had family around to help like my friends did, but I still didn’t feel I wanted her back in my life. But as Blake got older, I felt guilty that I was depriving her of a grandparent. My partner Guy would regularly ask me if he could take Blake to meet her without me, but I always said no. Our relationship felt toxic and all I had was bad memories of her. Then my father died. It was September last year and my mother was there at the funeral.
There was a hugely emotional reunion with many tears and afterwards we started to email each other. We tentatively went for coffee and a few faltering steps later, she met Guy and Blake, who is now five. At first it felt difficult to trust that our relationship could work and I was worried she’d let me down again. But we took things slowly and I realised it felt different this time it was like we could meet as adults and have a fresh start. When I found I was finally pregnant again earlier this year after years of trying and IVF it felt especially joyful. Not just because the baby was so longed for, but because my mum was now regularly in my life to share news with. I could see how happy she was when we told her on a cold winter’s day as we walked around our local park and I was shocked at her depth of feeling for me. I had spent so long thinking my mum was cold and unfeeling, so to see her so moved was very poignant. During my pregnancy she was an unexpected source of support on the phone and occasionally in person.
But it was when I found out Guy would have to work in another city for three weeks, just ten days after the baby was due, that she really sprang into action. Offering to book an Airbnb nearby for the entire time he was away, she suddenly became the mother my friends had always had. The one who’s there, physically, when you need her. I was nervous about it but the experience was a revelation Although of course it was amazing to have another pair of hands while suddenly dealing with the demands of two children, I realised something even better I actually enjoyed her company. No doubt helped by the fact we now had this new shared interest of a baby to look after, our relationship felt simple and natural in a way it never had before.
For the first time, I realised how much we have in common and also how hard things must have been for her when I was growing up. I found being alone with two kids for just a few weeks a struggle, but my mum had to do it regularly over the years because of my father’s drinking. During the long hours of feeding and burping the baby, we could properly talk in a way we hadn’t in years or maybe ever. Although we may not have been in each other’s lives for a while, my mother knows me on a level which few people do. I loved hearing about what I was like as a baby, and her own experiences of motherhood. Although we didn’t go into details about the past, I began to see her ‘neglectful’ parenting and ‘selfish’ behaviour in a different light. For decades, I wished my mother could have been ‘better’, but now that I’m a mum myself, I realise there is no idealised version of motherhood everyone is just trying their best. We expect women to be self-sacrificing when they have children but you still have your own wants and needs. When I was younger, I resented my mother for falling in love with someone new and moving away, but now I have experienced more of life and my own divorce I can respect her decision to follow her heart and go in search of her own happiness, even though it was very damaging for me. Five years ago, when I had my first daughter, I told myself that we didn’t need my mum as we had assembled our own ‘village’ of neighbours, friends and people we paid to support us, like a doula and a nanny. But being with my mother made me realise how special it is to have your family around you when you have a new baby. Sharing the joy with them adds another layer of meaning and contentment. It felt so effortless to be with my mum that it was actually hard to say goodbye when my partner came back. I missed her company in the day and her calm presence in the evenings. Of course, it’s also been bittersweet, as having her in my life now has made me realise how much we all missed out on when I had Blake. Some of my ‘mum friends’ I bump into at the school gates have said how nice it was to meet my mum when she was doing the school run. I feel like one of the smug women I used to envy, who take for granted that they have their mother’s support. The time after you give birth often feels like a transformation and for me and mum that’s been the case. Perhaps a baby always symbolises hope and new life, but having Harper has breathed new life into my relationship with my mother and made me hopeful about our future.
