Hello
I have looked at this forum for a while and have finally plucked up the courage to join.
I have been in a relationship with my partner for 15 years and we have two children. About 4 years ago we went through a terrible time, worrying about money, getting stressed about it and arguing all the time. The relationship turned violent with him hitting, verbally and mentally abusing me. It got to the point where I had no self-esteem or self-worth and had no confidence. I met someone and we had an affair for about 5 months, my partner had his suspicions and the abuse got worse. The affair ended and it took awhile to get over it but I did. One morning I hit rock bottom. I woke up and felt so low, I felt myself getting smaller and smaller and that frightened the life out of me. I felt that I was just going to disappear. I felt out of control and I cut my wrist. I went to the hospital and was told to go to my doctor who prescribed fluoxetine. He mentioned counselling but thought I wasn’t ready for it yet. I was on and off the tablets for a few years. The relationship with my partner got better and we both started to talk to each other more.
Then a few weeks ago I woke up and felt exactly the same as I did the day I cut my wrist, but so much worse. I felt myself getting smaller and smaller and I felt out of control and hundreds of thoughts were going through my mind. I was sweating and my heart was pounding so hard. All I wanted to do was go and hide somewhere. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone and the thought of going into work made me panic. I phoned work and a man I don’t like answered the phone and instead of saying I was sick, I said my mum was poorly. I could hear myself saying it but I couldn’t stop. Looking back on it, I barely remember the phone conversation; it seems blurred and not real. I was so scared that I was going to do something to myself and I didn’t want to go there again. I was mentally writing goodbye letters to my children because I really wanted to end it. I went to the doctor and he prescribed citalopram and put my name down for CBT. I was told to stay off work for a month. No one at work got in touch with me. I texted a friend but she called me a lowlife and said that I was milking it and people feel down all the time but they get on with it. That has made me feel so much worse. I’m a decent person and trying to explain to them how I felt is like hitting your head against a brick wall. But they didn’t understand. The only person who did is a friend who also suffers from depression and she knew that the way I acted was not me. I left work because I couldn’t face people, the thought of seeing anyone makes me feel sick. I feel happy at home and safe. Things got worse when I started to scratch my head and I wouldn’t stop until I bled. I would sit there for hours and couldn’t stop. I can’t concentrate, I love reading but forget the words as soon as I read them. I went back to the doctors and was told I had anxiety, which was brought on by depression.
I had an assessment with a counsellor who said it was severe depression and I had high levels of anxiety.
Is this normal for someone with depression and anxiety to walk around almost trancelike and do or say things you wouldn’t normally do (like the phone call)? I have no energy and can’t be bothered to do housework some days and other days my house is spotless. My so-called workmates, who I have known for 12 years, have made me start to question myself and I just want to cry all the time (I am now). I wouldn’t do anything to myself again because I think of my children growing up without me, but I still think about it and how everyone would be better off. Some days I feel happy and enjoy doing things with the children, decorating the house and the next minute I couldn’t care less. At the moment everything seems very dark.
Sorry for the long post and am looking forward to hearing from anyone.
