my story

[discreet]

I dropped out of university at 19 following if i look back on it a familiar pattern of insomnia/depression and cannabis use. Then spent the next few years doing various jobs and clubbing doing drugs at weekends. I slowly started to rebuild my life, I gave up smoking cannabis and started an open university law course.

I studied towards a law degree with open university for two years while doing a variety of pointless temp jobs eventually getting a perm post in the courts and then onto a full time law degree in a good university at 28 and left my full time job. Everything on the up and three years money.

I’m now finishing my degree but with little work I feel qualified for little and really back to where I was 5+ years ago but this time with no temp work. I’m 31 now my GF wants children and married in maybe 5 yrs. I just feel like im holding myself together by the fingernails. The reality is im probably looking at being on benefits in short term, even a masters degree seems to be for nothing if it qualifies me for little and its 2 more years. I just cant face doing delivering post or a pointless job at 30, at 23-24, that was ok, but not now. all i wanted was a decent job to get a house and some kind of life.


Life just seems a shambles and sleeping pattern is all over the place and I just feel so without hope if im honest my degree work is suffering and my only motivation seems to be dread. Everyone seems to expect this glittering career when the reality is very different. As a man we are expected to be the strong one and a provider, I’m scared to be honest ill end up alone on benefits in some dingy flat.

Just feel constantly like im barely holding it together, and very alone, inside I just feel like screaming. im sure to a lot of people this sounds spoilt but at least its on a page somewhere.

starting crying after I wrote this, ive class at 11, will have to shower and put the face back on, but feels good to at least be honest somewhere.

[tilly]

Kudos for writing it all down and putting it out there, it's not easy I know. You don't sound in the least bit spoilt, you've worked damn hard for what you have. I totally know what you mean about having a cry then washing it away and putting on your face for the rest of the world. I sometimes think I should get an Oscar for my performances!

I'm not very big on words of wisdom at the moment (having a bit of a crappy time myself) but I find it does help a little bit just knowing you're not the only one feeling down. We're all expected to cope with life through the good and bad, and maybe it is worse for men, but I don't think there's one person on this earth who can honestly say that they never struggle to cope. And you can multiply that feeling by a billion or so if you suffer with depression.

Can I ask if your girlfriend knows how you're feeling? I ask because some days my other half is the only thing that keeps me going. If she doesn't maybe you could think about letting her in and giving her the chance to support you. You don't have to be the strong one you know!

There are lots of trite quotes out there but one which struck a chord with me was...
"Depression doesn't mean you're weak; it means you've been strong for too long."
Ring any bells?

Anyway, I wish I had the right words to say to help you but at least I'm listening, and I do understand. Take it easy.

[discreet]

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I appreciate it.

My GF is currently standing for city council election and works full time too as well as doing a course at university, shes pretty stressed and whilst not wishing to  seem horrible tends to unload a bit of her stresses onto me as well. she sees the by products of my depression, with insomnia etc seems little point talking to her as she only either freaks out with " I dont know what to do" or just as many people do presume its just my nerves and that i'll resolve everything as I always do.

I dont think anyone really knows what point my head is really at though. If anything I maybe need to just focus on smaller tasks and put the bigger picture to one side and try and focus on smaller tasks. it felt good though just to say here that I felt on the verge of falling apart.

[Friartuck]

Hi

The great news is you are trying, trying to sort out stuff and get it together. You should look at what you have achieved and take comfort in it. It's hard to get perspective when the depression kicks in and you feel like nothing is working. I bought my wife a book called Living with Depression so she could start to get insights into what is going on. I have found that by reading about the medical side of the condition a relief to know that it is as much about physical brain stuff as it is abut the stresses in my life that bought the depression on.

The thing that helps me is when i break the day down into little chunks..I Write a list of each little work task that i need to do. or say to myself ok..just need to get up dressed and showered...great...now get some breakfast..done, now up and out commute to work..or shoppiung..good now reward...cup of tea and sit down..
Ok..next step..sort out an email to..x...good..stop..breathe..

And to be honest i look back at each bit of the day and go..see not so hard..keep at it..and then when i really need rest...I stop I give myself permission to stop and rest.

So be kind to yourself..take it one day and one step at a time..hope it helps..

Hope you are some medication as well. I'm on Citalopram 20 MG and it does help.

Take care.

Friar Tuck