I don't know if this is depression or not

[Debs]

Hello!

Well I'm not really sure what I'm doing here and I'm not entirely sure what to say but I know there's something going on in my head and I don't think it's right.

Just looking through some of the other posts on this site, I don't think my problems are anywhere near as bad as some people so I almost feel a bit of a fraud being here, but here goes.

Long story short, but I know I have had some sort of depression for most of my life, never formally diagnosed, never been on tablets, and never seen a doctor.  I have pushed everyone away from me, but if I'm honest I don't want anyone around me, I'm more than happy being by myself, people are awful so why would I want to spend time with them?  I cannot see the point in being alive, all I do is work, sleep, eat, there's no fun whatsoever in my life, but I haven't even got the energy to go out and try and find fun, change things and make life better.  I just haven't got the strength to go and look what's out there.  I'm married, but we live like flatmates, not husband and wife, but I just can't be bothered with changing things in my marriage either.  I run my own business, (a bridal shop so I have to have a painted smile on my face all day!), and it has absolutely taken over my life, but I'm trapped now, I can't get out of it. 

But here's the strange thing, I absolutely will never admit to this, I will never go and see a doctor, I will never go onto medication.  My solution is to keep plugging away, force myself to keep going, out of sheer bloody mindedness, sheer dogged determination.  I don't really know why I'm even writing this, because I suspect no one has a solution to this except go and talk to my doctor, which I won't do, so I don't know why I'm wasting your time, just venting I suppose!  I think I'm quite a strong person and I think I'd see it as a failing if I admitted I'm struggling with life, so it's just a case of keeping walking through this treacle that I feel I'm in, putting one foot in front of the other, and doggedly carrying on.  Anyway, thanks for listening, hope I haven't wasted too much of your time.

[lightenup]

Hi Debs a warm  !"£ to the forum, I'm no expert but I can see the signs within your post that your depressed.  You just don't find this forum, it is more a forum for confirmation of your thoughts, people have all different form and severity of depression.  Don't be afraid to ask for help sooner than later, I suspect I was unwell for too long before getting help.  My answer was before admission of being unwell was burning the candle at both ends and the middle, so seems to be taking me longer getting better.  eg today felt good  (slept to 10am) morning) upshot is I cleaned as much as I could trying to make up for when I was well.  Hubby came home and I'm snappy and exhausted, and he says to me why I am putting myself through all this, and making my self worse.

If I am honest I hate to admit I have depression and only my sons and a few friends know I'm unwell and I feel like a fraud. It was actually a relief, when the Doctor told me I was depressed.........sure I was just trying to look calm on the outside and paddling like hell underneath just like a duck in water.  Take care

[bel]

Hi Debs and  !"£
I could have written some of your post. For a long time I wouldn't seek help or admit I had a problem; I was keeping it all together while dying from the inside.
What can I say? It sounds to me like you are depressed, even though you are obviously functioning well in the world, from an outsiders point of view. But you deserve more than this. I don't believe doctors, drugs, or therapy are the only ways to get rid of depression, but I do think you should try to find something that works for you. Being also a person who likes to try and sort things out myself, I found reading and self-help books to be helpful, particularly Dorothy Rowe, also just writing things down about how I was feeling, my childhood and where I thought the depression was coming from helped. I did take medication and have some therapy but I feel they were just aids, not what really got me well again. Self understanding and self acceptance are what you (I,we) really need. I know that sounds like a cliche, but it's what I believe, from my own experience.
I really hope you find a way out of this. Keep posting if it helps, you have as much right to be here as anyone, and you are not wasting anyone's time. People on here really want to help.
Best wishes, bel.

[Nissa]

Hello Debs.
I have made and cancelled a number of appts at the docs under duress from well a meaning friend. So I know well where you are coming from. I have a docs appt tomorrow which I made myself and dont mind admitting that I am pretty scared of going to. I have been told to go for over a year but the last month I have been at my lowest. I am scared of myself. Although the thought of trying to talk and explain yourself to someone might be awful, please go.
If you like I will come back and tell you what was said if it makes you feel better?
I too slap on the fake smile at people who stop to talk to me in the street when I take my children to school. I try to time it so I miss the rush, last to school and last to pick up too. Does that make me a bad mum? I just dont want to see people and get caught in pretend conversation.
Anyway, i'll come back to tellyou what they said. I hope it will help. X

[earthangel]

 *()
Hi Debs
The fact that you are strong has helped you through what appears to be signs of depression.  I wish I was even just a little bit as brave as most of the people on this forum.  I scare myself silly when I'm very low, and still haven't found a way to control that part of my depression.

I can understand that you don't want to see a doctor and be prescribed pills, but for some people taking them for a short while can be a solution.  I still find shame in it when I'm low like now, but when I'm well it doesn't bother me in the slightest.  I still haven't found the ultimate cure and peace I desire.

Keeping busy and the strength you show is obviously working for you, so keep at it!  Good docs. are difficult to find.