Author Topic: Jokes thread  (Read 41843 times)

Amanda_George

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Re: Re: Re: Alien Movie Quiz.
« Reply #510 on: March 13, 2018, 02:38:25 PM »
After finding 5 Mars bars, 3 Snickers, a Flake and a packet of M&M's, I'm starting to think I'm not cut out to be a Bounty hunter!
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Amanda_George

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Re: Re: Re: Alien Movie Quiz.
« Reply #511 on: March 13, 2018, 02:45:54 PM »
Sorry!  lol
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Pip

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Re: Re: Re: Alien Movie Quiz.
« Reply #512 on: March 14, 2018, 09:41:17 PM »
 :ga025:

Pip

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Re: Re: Re: Alien Movie Quiz.
« Reply #513 on: March 14, 2018, 09:48:41 PM »
 :excited:

Amanda_George

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Re: Re: Re: Alien Movie Quiz.
« Reply #514 on: March 14, 2018, 10:27:45 PM »
 :lol3:
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Amanda_George

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Re: Re: Re: Alien Movie Quiz.
« Reply #515 on: March 14, 2018, 10:29:26 PM »
 :giggle:
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Pip

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Re: Re: Re: Alien Movie Quiz.
« Reply #516 on: March 20, 2018, 05:30:45 PM »
HOW TO WRITE A TERM PAPER

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, printed out, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now, that way you can concentrate.

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9. Listen to one song from your favorite album and that's it, I really mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that...

10. Listen to the rest of the album.

11. Rearrange all of your books into alphabetical order.

12. Call your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.

13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.

15. Check the guide to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.

16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot, even if he wasn't watching.

18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

19. Look through your roommate's memory book from home. Ask who everyone is.

20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.

23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.

24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

26. Leap up and write the paper.

27. Type the paper on your laptop. Spell check.

28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid term paper.

Pip

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Re: Re: Re: Alien Movie Quiz.
« Reply #517 on: March 31, 2018, 06:34:07 PM »
 Collectibles

Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles as well as pick up after their pets.  One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up and put them back on the shelf. The next week the same thing happened.  That afternoon my employer came into the parlor, her faithful canine behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase.  "Tippy," she asked the dog, "how do your bones keep getting up there?"

Pip

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Re: Re: Re: Alien Movie Quiz.
« Reply #518 on: March 31, 2018, 06:36:13 PM »
 A Texas millionaire

A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.  A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you."

"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine."

With that the physician left.  The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire.  "Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools, and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"

Pip

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Re: Re: Re: Alien Movie Quiz.
« Reply #519 on: May 20, 2018, 07:40:36 PM »
Darryl and Harold

Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution. The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.  Darryl was called into the doctor s office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. Darryl said "Yes" and the doctor proceeded.

"Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Darryl said, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"

"I d be completely blind."

The doctor stood up, shook Darryl s hand, and told him he was free to go.  On Darryl's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.  So Harold went into the doctor's office when he was called. The doctor went thru the formalities and then asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"

Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, "I'd be half blind."

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?"

"I'd be completely blind," Harold answered."

"Harold, can you explain how you'd be blind?"

"My hat would fall down over my eyes."

Pip

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Re: Re: Re: Alien Movie Quiz.
« Reply #520 on: May 20, 2018, 07:46:27 PM »
Tough Exam

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.  The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.  Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Pip

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Re: Re: Re: Alien Movie Quiz.
« Reply #521 on: May 29, 2018, 06:52:56 PM »
Rescue

There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man.  He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet.  A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, "It's alright! The Lord will save me!"

So the helicopter flew away. The water continued to rise and a boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted, "No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!" and, once again, the boat sped off.

The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated, "I don't need saving! My Lord will come"

Reluctantly, the helicopter left.  The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and the man drowned.  At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man why did my Lord not rescue me?"

St. Peter replied, "For pity sake! He sent you two helicopters and a boat!"

Pip

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Re: Re: Re: Alien Movie Quiz.
« Reply #522 on: May 29, 2018, 06:57:00 PM »
Party Entertainment

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.  The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.  The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.  She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $100!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $100, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"