Long term depression

[swizzy92]

Hi all.

I have just realised that from a young age I have suffered with depression. In essence I feel that I gave up on life and completely lost myself. I didn't see the point in anything. I started hanging out with the wrong croud at 16 and started smoking cannabis for 4 years and just generally staring into space without a care in the world. I did absolutely nothing productive. I became a horrible stupid individual that stole and was just generally a waste of space. I feel that my brain became accustomed to this tho and I now realise that I wasn't brought up like this and completely hate myself for all of it. Being so young I didn't realise the impact it had on my life. After this I then got myself a job but I feel that money had taken over my life and I was just trying to get money and not spending it. I am now 22 and have realised I am completely stupid and I am now at the peak of my depression. I am also an unsocial person so I didn't really have any guidance. Not that I am using this as an excuse for my behaviour. I have now realised that I don't know anything useful and have spent my time on this earth being an out and out loser. Is there any way of creating a new me. One that is not stupid, enjoys things and gets important things done and actually has a life. I hate the way my life has turned out but I don't know which way to turn now. I am currently speaking with a psychiatrist and mental health team as I am at the peak of my depression now. I really want to change but I just do not know where to start. Any feedback would be extremely welcome.

Thanks.

[roger.s]

Welcome to the forum swizzy. Things will get better for you, and your psychiatrist and mental health team will help you to get through this. I know it's tough at the minute for you and that it's perhaps easier said than done, but look to a better future and not the past.

[SteveW]

Hi Swizzy. I thought I'd post because my early life was very like yours except the weed came first not the depression. I started with speed when I was 13 and not long after took up smoking weed. After that if it was available I took it for the next 7 years or so. At the time nobody was aware of just how unwise that was. It must have been 20 years later that medicine established that too much weed at any early age can trigger major psychiatric problems,especially schizophrenia.

I was lucky, as I hope you will be. When I was 21 I was hit with a very bad depression. My GP gave me antidepressants and inside about 8 weeks I recovered. But over the years I kept getting new episodes, about every 4 years or so. Not everybody gets that pattern. Of people who get a first depression about half never have another one.

But I managed to have a good life. I met my first wife and we had two daughters together. I decided what I wanted to do in the line of work and got myself qualified. I had a great working life as well. I had an awful lot of fun along the way too.

You're only 22 and have years to do whatever you choose. Because you have been depressed since you were quite young it might take a while to get out of it. Don't hate the way your life has turned out. It hasn't even started yet.

[swizzy92]

Everyone tells me the same thing. But I feel completely stupid. I have lived my life like nothing else matters. I don't know how to do anything properly I just feel so lost.

[SteveW]

Your teenage years are for doing all kinds of daft stuff. Very few people go from child to mature adult without a fair amount of craziness along the way. You sound pretty low and your CMHT are probably going to recommend drugs and therapy. I am sure you'll start to feel better soon on that on that combination.

I am sure you'll formulate some life plan. That is one of the things therapists are for.

[Pip]

Depression can be used to excuse for our behaviour but I know, from personal experience, that depression has caused me to behave in a way that I wouldn't be like normally.  I have suffered with depression since I was 12 or 13 which became severe when I was 19 ~ won't bore you with all the details    - and it did affect me and my behaviour.  Due to stuff that happened when I was 19 I lost my trust in my family so couldn't trust anybody.  If I couldn't trust my family how could I trust anybody?

I was shy anyway but became more introverted, kept everybody at arm's distance and put on a happy front.  It took me many years to admit to myself that I was suffering with severe depression which was worse at certain times of the year.  When I did I was able to be honest with myself I was able to come to terms with behaving badly at my worst.  I'm not excusing it I am simply saying I needed to come to terms with it.  Since then I have learned ways to deal with my low moods ~ constantly severely depressed now ~ which includes doing voluntary work, writing, trying to get fitter and so on.

Of course what works for one person doesn't for another.  Understanding and accepting you suffer with depression is half the problem.   

[Amanda_George]

I'm with Pip on this.  What is currently working for me is taking Mitzi out for her walk every morning - it's only 15 minutes but it sets me up for the rest of the day!

Also, ask for your vitamin B12 levels to be tested - mine were low and after only 1 injection I was happier than I'd ever been in my life!  If you don't fancy the idea of blood tests and injections, invest in a vitamin B12 supplement to see if it works for you like that?  You can't take too much B12 because you wee out any that you don't need but don't expect miracles if you don't have the B12 injections (set of 6) but if you are low, then the supplements and spray will make a noticeable effect within minutes, it just won't be as intense as the injections    

[stewart]

Hi swizzy, a little late, but welcome to the forums.
have you had a chat to your doc about how you feel?
one good place to start is to see if there is a MIND office close to you
they have some very good support workers.

if you are given some meds from your doc, they could take a while to kick in
and if they don't work, tell your doc, try another med, there are lots out there