Wasn't sure where to put this....
Hi,
This might be a long post, so apologies, but PLEASE, read and reply to me.
So, in the past I have received treatment for an eating disorder, and was on Fluoxetine (40mg) during that time, as well as receiving CBT.
I met my wonderful, amazing, incredible boyfriend 3 years ago. Throughout these three years we have never argued, and I have never felt anything but love for him. He is the most wonderful and precious thing in my life, and he has supported me more than anybody since this all started. He is fully aware of everything I am about to write.
In about June this year I started feeling very strange. I started feeling unwell, finding activities I once enjoyed tiring and unenjoyable, to the point where I could hardly bear to do any exercise or listen to any music, two of my favourite things.
I started getting major depersonalisation a lot of the time, crying a lot, and was generally just withdrawing. I started getting a lot of strange thoughts too - I was convinced that my boyfriend had cancer, for example.
Then, out the blue, I suddenly got the thought that I didn't love my boyfriend any more. This caused a major panic attack, and for weeks I was completely unable to do anything - I couldn't wash or dress myself, didn't consider eating unless food was put in front of me, and even then, it was a struggle to eat anything. I cried, screamed and was constantly bombarded with these thoughts, and could barely sleep, and couldn't leave the house at all.
I would say things have got gradually worse over time. I went through periods of feeling happy (always with my boyfriend), now I can't even rememeber if I have been happy or not - I just seem to be in a constant state of depersonalisation and numbness. Even though the panic attacks have greatly reduced, I am still troubled by these thoughts, which seem to change every day. One day I will be continually given the thought that I shouldn't be with my boyfriend, I should be with an ex (who all treated me badly)/an old friend (who I have no attraction to!)/a woman(!). Then the next day it will be a random stranger who I will suddenly decide is attractive. Then the next day it won't be anyone; it will just be the constant thought that I don't love my boyfriend and should break up with him.
I spend all day thinking about this. I haven't been to work in months, on the days I don't see my boyfriend I can't bring myself to wash or dress. All I want to eat is junk, I have put on weight , but find it hard to care, and I constantly feel ugly. When I am with my boyfriend (when I at least have flashes of happiness) I am able to read, when I am at home I spend all my time half-watching TV (with no interest) or playing computer games which are aimed at children. I can't bear to do anything more.
I feel like someone is stirring the contents of my head, and I constantly feel like my vision is affected. I am distracted, introverted, can't remember faces when I am away from them (like when I am with my boyfriend I can't remember my Mum, when with my Mum I can't remember my boyfriend) and I couldn't tell you what I did yesterday, and I struggle to think of the right word or the right name. I was cutting myself, but stopped because my boyfriend begged me to, and I can't bear to see him unhappy. I don't see my friends and I have very little inclination to see them, and I am near-silent at home, and can't bear to have physical contact with my Mum..
The thing is, my head doesn't match with ME, the person who is living. When I am with my boyfriend I will tell him I love him, kiss and cuddle him as an instinct. Nothing has changed in our relationship - he is still the same wonderful person, he makes me laugh and really the only time I am happy is when I am with him or thinking positively about him. When either of these instances occur, they are quickly taken over by more negative thoughts.
I was so happy with my life before this happened - amazing boyfriend, I was going to uni (I have since dropped out), I had good friends, happy in my job, getting on better with my family, but that's all gone now, and I don't know why. I WANT to live in reality, because I was finally happy there, but I can't live outside my head.
I can't get these thoughts out my head, and as usual, it is worse now I am nearing my period. Splitting with my boyfriend terrifies me, and would never make things better, because he is my only source of happiness and I am only holding on for him - if he was gone, I would be dead. But the thoughts tell me that I can't get better unless I let him go, and if I take medication, I will realise the thoughts are real. I'm just living in terror.
I am waiting to see a psychiatrist at the end of the month, but I would love to hear from someone now. Please, can you relate/advise/reassure me?
