Other Depression & Anxiety Related Illneses > Personality Disorders

Sound familiar?



I've been diagnosed with depression, but for a while I've had a feeling there is something else going on.

I've had episodes of low mood/depression since being a teenager, but a few years ago I started to develop other symptoms too. At the time I put it down to being physically unwell (I was very ill for a year before being diagnosed with coeliac disease). I've in the past been a shy but quite independent person, but suddenly I wanted reassurance for absolutely everything. My moods would cycle really rapidly from euphoria to absolute despair (and I'm talking within an hour). My self-esteem was at absolute rock bottom, and I wanted people to tell me how brilliant I was all the time, and didn't make any decisions without asking other people.

My relationship suffered as a result too. Before these symptoms started, I had been with my boyfriend for over 4 years, but I suddenly began to feel angry with him all the time. Why wasn't he making more time for me? Why wasn't he replying instantly to my texts. I would shout and scream at him and tell him I hated him, then regret it instantly and be desperate at the thought that he might leave me. Once when I thought he might, I fell to the floor crying and had a panic attack so intense that I passed out. I began to self harm, only telling him because I wanted him to know how much I was hurting and I wanted his attention. I began to exaggerate my symptoms, telling him I was suicidal even when I wasn't, because I knew he would come and see me then. This sounds really selfish, but I just felt like things were only OK when he was with me. Afterwards I would have huge pangs of guilt for the way I'd behaved and what I put him through, I'd tell him to leave me and self harm at those times.

This summer, we moved in together, and for the few weeks we managed to be in the house together, things were at their most extreme. I was facing a lot of pressure at work too, and I think that mixed in with anxiety about the move just pushed things to a new level. I was angry with him, would tell him I was going to kill myself whilst he wasn't there and that it was too late to get back to me, only then to burst into tears and apologise for everything. After two weeks, he moved out asking me to get help.

I have, and was diagnosed with depression. I'm taking medication and attending counselling, but I feel that they don't really understand me. My symptoms are improving, and I've been much more open with my family about everything, so they are now my main source of support. I feel like I've ruined all chances of a relationship now. He says he needs time to consider things, and we are still talking, and I can't work out if that's better than cutting all ties or not at the moment. The thought of being alone totally is something I find terrifying.

Anyway, I know that you aren't qualified psychologists, but from the research I've done I'm not sure all my symptoms fit with a diagnosis of depression. I certainly do have trouble sleeping, hopelessness, weeping over silly thing, lack of interest in things, but I suppose I wanted to ask if how I am/have been feeling sounds familiar to any of you, and if so what has helped you.

Hi Alice,

I can relate to  some of what you've been through.

Like you I have to deal with cycles of low mood / depression since being a teenager.  Mine started due to emotional / verbal abuse from my mother.  She constantly compared me to my sister who could do no and I couldn't do anything right in her eyes.  Subsequently I have suffered with low self esteem and confidence.  Intellectually  I know I 'm not the bad person my mother made me out to be but emotionally I can't get to grips with it.  All I ever wanted her to do was acknowledge that she had been hurtful towards me but she never did.  I knew she wouldn't but I lived with the hope that one day she would.  My mum died in 2011 so I wont get that acknowledgement now.

Like you I have always been shy yet independent although I have come out of myself over the past 18 months.  What has helped me was getting more involved with our local Methodist church first with their Friday lunch club then other events.  It has helped me with my low self esteem and confidence as well.   It has been great to be accepted for who I am rather than tying to live up to expectations.  These days I find it easier to accept compliments and accepting thank yous from people because I have helped.  I have been though cycles really rapidly from being happy to absolute despair quickly as well. I hate that happening.

I have been quite fortunate with relationships.  One ended badly many years ago and I suffered with trust issues rally badly for years afterwards.  I'm still not very trusting but I am better than I used to be.  My husband and I have been married for 20 years now as we worked through the rocky times.  My trust issues are also to do with adoption.  I was pregnant from the rocky relationship but we had split by the time I knew.  Despite that I knew I wanted to be a mother so abortion wasn't an option and adoption never crossed my mind.  When my parents found out they coerced into surrendering with help from the adoption agency. It completely devastated me and it took me a long time to forgive them.  They destroyed my trust in them which in turn stopped me trusting anybody else.

I've had counselling as well but that was adoption related.  It didn't help though as the woman was clueless despite having six weeks training through After Adoption.  I have had far better support from mothers who were coerced, adoptees and adoptive parents.

I'm not amused as my laptop started playing up  :bash: so I had to restart it to be able to finish my post  >:(

The combination of trouble sleeping, hopelessness, weeping over silly thing, lack of interest in things are typical symptoms of depression and I can relate to that.

Thanks Pip,

Sounds like getting involved with the church has really helped you. In the new year I'm hoping that I'll be able to find a local club or group to join where I can meet some new people and be the person I want to be.

It sounds like you've had some really tough times, I'm glad that you've got a network of people you've found to support you, even if the counselling didn't help.


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