post a joke

[craig84]

A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.
 "For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."
 The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."
 "OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"
 The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"

[craig84]

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

[craig84]

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

"Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change."

[stewart]

guy goes into the doctor, hey doc, i feel like a bar of soap, ...doc says 'thats lifeboy/

[Pip]

Ransacked Blonde

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.  She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.  The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.  Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

"They send me a BLIND policeman."

[Pip]

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop."

The girl kept walking.  Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops."

She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.  The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!"

Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"

[craig84]

Ransacked Blonde

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.  She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.  The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.  Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

"They send me a BLIND policeman."

LMAO - love it

[Pip]

I am blonde but I also love 'blonde' jokes 

Convenience Store

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.

"Nope. Don't have that."

"My Gosh!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the darn store!"

The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."

[Pip]

A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs  were deducted from the employee's pay.  She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."
 
"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied.
 
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."

[stewart]

neighbour looks over the fence and sees the daughter of his neighbour sobbing, as she wipes tears from her golded locks, he asks whats wrong mandy?

im burrying my coldfish she says,

why thats a mighty big hole for a little goldfish he said,

mandy takes a sniffle and a breath and says, thats cos its inside your &^*@#ing cat

[craig84]

A Kerryman went to the cinema and, having bought his ticket, went in to see the film. A few minutes later he came back to the box office and bought another ticket. Five minutes later he returned and bought a third ticket.
 'Look', said the girl at the ticket office, 'what are you playing at? That's the third ticket you've bought'.
 'I know', said the Kerryman, 'but there's a crazy guy inside who keeps tearing them up'

[craig84]

i saw this on a thread in the lounge and robbed it from stewart


Daughter of a very catholic family goes home one weekend and gives her dad the keys to a brand new merc, and a 24 carrot gold and black pearl necklace for her mother, a month later she has this nice big fishing boat delivered to her parents, along with the title to their house she paid off.
When she went to see them the next month, her father asked how she had made so much money, she tells him, hearing the shouting from the father, mum comes in and asks what’s going on, the daughter says, that I told dad what I done and he thought I said id become a protestant

[stewart]

Guy walks into the doctor…
Hey doc, I feel like a pair of curtains


Doc says
Pull yourself together man

[Pip]

A man was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much.  One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of cosmetics knocked on his door and asked to see his wife. The man told her that his wife wasn't home.

"Well," replied the saleswoman, "could I please wait for her?" The man directed her to the living room and left her there for more than three hours.

The saleswoman was getting really worried, so she called out to the man and asked, "May I know where your wife is?"

"She went to the cemetery," he replied.

"And when is she returning?"

"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."

[craig84]

man walks into a bar..........  OUCH!