How much more?

[GrumpyChump]

First off I want to apologize for ranting once again, I seem to pop on here every so often and complain, yet I fail to contribute when it comes to other people in similar positions. This is partly down to the fact that I don't feel as though I know what to do with anything as well as being lazy.

I've found myself at a stage of feeling completely useless to myself and to others, I can't control my mind it seems and I am very weak. I've been attempting different methods of self-harm over the past year and it has progressed onto attempting to put an end to all of this through overdosing on medication and alcohol (not attempted tonight due to lack of alcohol). I can't cope with day to day life, I can't cope with other people around me how they cope their joy or even sadness. I'm really not comfortable anywhere at all. I have attempted to keep myself busy for about a month or so, and by this I mean on a constant basis so that I have no time for my brain to work but I've become exhausted and bored of it. I am incapable and lost. I am due to see an IAPT team member in a few days and have been waiting to see a Psychologist for 18 months, but quite frankly I don't really know if I have the strength to fight. I don't know what to do any more, with anything.

[Beetzart]

Don't worry, GC, about you contributions, if it helps for you to vent then at least you know this is a good place to go.  I know what you mean, I'm depressed of being depressed.  Hardly find pleasure in anything and self-medicating.  I have been good and not drunk for months, yet the depression won't budge, so I'm having a beer tonight.  Which is depressing.  There is a raging party next door with music blaring and middle aged, upper middle lower class, males shouting while trying to chat up their mate's wife.  That bores me. 

Sorry I've gone on a bit there.  Just wanted to let you know I'm with you on this.

[craig84]

here here! its all &$%+...

cant bring myself to work because I have months of working befoire I cant pay debts off to afford to save to move out ....
working in itself is getting on my nerves working for random companies for weeks because im stuck with agencies I cant get a contract anywhere so that depresses me.

ive quit two jobs before to look after my mum and bro who between both suffer from mental illness. got so much going on I don't have the time to fix them all at once and when I pick just one thing to work on another gets worse so I have to give up something to ..... its a pain in the fekkin ass trust me...

im suicidal but have to keep going for other people even if I don't want to myself...
it sucks ...

when I was where you are I ended up getting out the house and randomly meeting people on these walks which led to me knowing all the people I do in the area I am in and im a stoner now..... everyone I know in this area I know through smoking weed...lol it don't seem to bad when im stoned but I hate smoking it cos it makes the depression worse... im my own worst enemy.

I will say this though... if you want better treatment, or don't feel you are getting the help and support you need. you have to fight for it, speak up when at the gp and if u feel u have and still haven't got anywhere then ask to change doctors... I know these type of things are easier said than done but anyone who suffers depression needs to know that given time and the right resources u will get better!! just have to take a lot of time finding the best things to help you. but u have to do the work no one really knows whats in your head but you...

[GrumpyChump]

Craig I feel for you I really do, at least I personally on the outset have stability it will change though because you're doing good for others, least thats what I believe and hope for. I have to be honest I have been slightly tempted by going down the drug route but I know I could get in a lot of bother in doing so. Beet for me its the general party atmosphere that irritates me, what is there to celebrate? Why pretend everything is hunky dory and life is perfect? And as for the chatting up bit, thats something else that irritates me, wheres the respect? Or maybe its just me, maybe I'm the weird one for having principles and morales to abide by *sigh*. Anyway, as an update as how things are I had a bit of a personal shock today as I attended my IAPT appointment I was referred straight to A&E and spent the whole day there. It was embarrassing yet disappointing as I hadn't been successful so now it looks like I'm an attention seeker to them. They want regular updates too which is a nuisance. Really struggling with all this.

[craig84]

yeah I believed and hoped for the same but feel I have fallen into the nice guys finish last category.

your not the weird one for having morals and principles, its respectable....keep hold of them.

have thought about booking myself in to mental health unit for depression but im too scared.. of what will or wont happen. . . . scared of if I did that, that I still wouldn't receive the right type of help. scared of being judged, scared of other patients...

I feel like ill keep going round in these circles of life until one day I just stop caring completely..

I remember after an overdose being in a ward and overhearing nurses talkin about me like I was taking the easy option and crying for help, .... they wanted to admit me to their mental health unit but because of what I heard with the nurses I turned it down.

I did volunteer as a befriender when I was well is that anything that interests you ? putting myself in your shoes it'd probably be more daunting than anything...

when I ask myself whats the point the most positive answer I can come up with is because I want better for myself, I get to the stage where I think enough is enough I have to change and ill get a job and start paying pack debt then get fed up of people at work or the job and then get depressed again thinkin whats the point in this.. back to square one...
if I one the lottery id create an estate for depressed people and we could have eachother to rub off to enjoy our depression... I take the piss out of how miserable I am... pretty sad but feels good at the time lol

[GrumpyChump]

I'm same with regards to joking, I just think it makes it easier for the people around me if I take the mick out of myself for how 'grumpy' I am or sarcastically declaring I'm the happiest man on earth etc etc. My reasons for not quite finishing the job is I'm too much of a wuss and I keep failing. I think the befriender thing would cause too much of a responsibility for myself, I already blame myself for other peoples mistakes so I think it would just add to the problem. As for yourself I think as long as the help given to you doesn't involve medication you have nothing to lose as you would still have some sort of control as to what is happening.

[SteveW]

Craig
Being a carer is a very hard road. I looked after my father on my own for nearly 4 years, while he died gradually from heart failure. He wouldn't go into hospital when he needed to, he wouldn't have anything to do with carers. He regarded me as quite sufficient. This resulted in me doing an 18 hour day month in month out.

Are you aware of the Carers Assessment ? Social Services are obliged to do one if they are asked, though they do have a tendency to try and get out of them.  They can arrange services if they are available. They can even spend cash on you. My local department agreed to pay my broadband charges on the grounds that my isolation might be eased.My dad died first so it never happened but it would have. I have put a link to an outline.

   http://www.nhs.uk/CarersDirect/guide/assessments/Pages/Carersassessments.aspx
   
How you are supposed to get out of depression while looking after two people beats me. One person slowly but surely ground me down.

[craig84]

i don't know how you did that stewart i do spend all of my time around my brother and mum when im not working and just coping with their problems is hard when your just coming to terms with how they're not the same people they were and those side of things. then i have my own stuff going on so i don't find it easy juggling everything which is why i struggle and i know there are some things that i could claim for but i don't have the resources for the info, until now so thanks for that. i wouldn't qualify as a carer things are pretty complicated especially with the family politics. i think everyone in my family has something wrong with them mentally in some way or another, just one side of the family are perfectly fine so i guess im the best of both, i dunno.
hats off to you for doing that with your father though, even though me and my dad are miles apart now and the relationships not what it could be i would find it hard without him ... devastating!

[SteveW]

Do you not qualify as a carer ? I know the rules can be complex. But there is Carers Allowance.There is the Community Care Assessment. There is the Care Program Approach. The Carers Assessment. DLA if it is still going.There are probably other things as well. I was a Child Protection Worker so this wasn't my field.

In your position I would think investing an hour or two in a visit to the Citizens Advice Bureau would be worthwhile,They tend to be really hot on this sort of thing. They got Attendance Allowance for my dad and quite a long back dating.

[Pip]

I can relate to so much that has written here.  Very few people know I suffer with depression and even less know that it is severe as I'm very good at hiding it.

Craig it's not easy getting carer's allowance but worth fighting for.  My husband got turned down just because I don't receive any benefits even though I need help with different things which even includes dealing with telephone calls as I'm partially deaf and we can prove I need his help.  As it is I'm battling to get DLA and am at the appeal stage which will be heard on the 30th August.  If I win then we will have a chance of him getting carer's allowance.

[craig84]

well no I do satisfy some of the requirements such as giving more than 40 hours a week care but the reason I don't or cant go for it is because I will have to work again eventually and earn more than 100 a week so you automatically lose the carers allowance if you earn that much. im always in this battle in my head, do I try and get a life for myself or live for others.... my dad tells me to move away and do well for myself... not that easy cos I do care but I do get to points where I miss working and socialising... if you've hears me say I  go round in circles this is what I mean. nothing really moves forward for long because I have juggle so much.

I used to hide it but I don't anymore, the stigma is still there regardless of the awarenesss that has been made for mental illness, I can tell with the way some people look at me and act that there judging me. but that's life I guess people judge...

even if I did try and get carers allowance my sister would cause problems for that because she is down as the carer for my brother although she has very little if any input. my sister would cause problems if I tried because although my family know I suffer with depression none of them actually know what it is because they haven't studied or just don't care...

i'll have to look into going to the citizens advice bureau because I do feel kind of trapped in my situation.

red tape scares me I have to admit, theres so much of it these days

[SteveW]

You are very tolerant about your sister. She is screwing the DWP out of cash that rightfully should be heading for you. Mind you £60 a week isn't the Great Train Robbery. Does the cash find its way to your brother in some part, or does she just treat it as income. Don't bother answering. It is just that I am especially sensitive to lies. I hope that if DLA is involved, it goes to the correct place.

I really don't think I could begin to tell how good the Citizens Advice Bureau were with me. I am disabled and couldn't use their stairs. They completely rearrangedtwo downstairs rooms, purely to accommodate me. Every time I visited they did the same thing again. The general feel of the place and the actual worker I saw were spot on. They did the bulk of the form filling and letter writing for me. I had to tell them the medical details but they actually put it into words for the form. If you find red tape difficult then the CAB are for you.

I am more interested in you all getting proper assessments and the possibility of services as a result.In my world you would receive 4. 3 Community Care Assessments and a Carers Assessment for yourself. You have never mentioned that you under the wing of the Community Mental Health Team. That might be something to think of.

I tend to see families as systems rather than a single individual who happens to be unwell and the rest of the group. An intervention at the level of your mother and brother might alleviate your depression somewhat. It is perfectly possible.

[craig84]

see heres the thing, my sister is a carer due to her trying to be in control, she works full time has a mortgage.... cant be a carer because she is too controlling and the way she speaks to and judges my brother is wrong. ive told her this but she is ignorant that she goes about things the wrong way. she doesn't receive any money for him as she works full time she isn't entitled. the DLA all goes ot my brother which I make sure gets spent on bills and shopping, luckily he has a bus pass so that helps with travel for him but I pay out of my own pocket...

hopefully I can get to see someone who is actually helpful at the CAB...I know it can all depend on the person helping as to how much help you can get but I need to look more into it because like ive said I do feel trapped.... another thing I need to look into is the CMHT.. im not sure if I can get any help with that because im always in and out of taking medication and ina and out of therapy .... have only received the depression diagnosis because of a suicide attempt years ago but there hasn't been ay further diagnosis... apart from me thinking I may have bi-polar as well as a severe case of depression at times.

[Pip]

We've been to the CAB for a couple of issues including DLA.  They told us to ring Welfare Rights who haven't bothered coming out after telling my hubby they would  Hope you have more joy with the CAB.

[SteveW]

That is more a matter of a Welfare Rights Team problem than a CAB one. You learn very quickly that telling clients that you will refer them on and that they will be contacted is a very dodgy thing to do. Another team will have its own practices and procedures and these might include ignoring your referral altogether. I wouldn't even imply that someone in my own agency would contact someone, except for a   worker I had management responsibility for. Reality is that you cannot commit another agency or worker to doing anything. It is a matter of finding a way of conveying this reality without the client feeling they are being treated dismissively.

I would have thought the average Welfare Rights Team would at least write you a letter explaining why they are doing nothing.