Ok so as the title suggests the first time i can remember being depressed was 6 years ago in 2007 (I was in Year 8 at the time and am now about to finish my first year in University) at that point in time it didn't really affect me too much, it was just me crying myself to sleep a few times. Slowly over the years, however, and it is slowly becoming worse and worse to the point where i'm so close to rock bottom now and the unthinkable will happen. I am constantly researching on depression to see how others cope and what i can do and also the different types of depression there are. I'm suffering from a severe depression now and i can pin-point the time my depression changed to this, so here's where my venting actually starts :s
A few months before my 18th things were looking up for me, i recently experienced my first kiss with a beautiful girl (late i know) and had a girlfriend (a different girl), as well as receiving a job offer, learning how to drive and finishing my exams at the time (this was AS-Level exams) this is where things get bad, i got rejected from the job offer, i fail my driving theory exam and results day loomed where i learnt no matter how hard i worked, it clearly doesn't show (I passed onto the next year taking 2 a-Levels and resat an AS i had failed) i learnt which people really were my "friends" and my own family started losing faith in me doing well in the future. But the thing that hurt me the most was my girlfriend breaking up with me on my 18th birthday. It was bad enough the day she decided to do this (I don't think she even remembered) but she broke up with me by text and she even lied in the text as i found out she was cheating on me. To make matters worse nobody outside my family knew it was my birthday and when i mentioned to my "friends" that me and my girlfriend split up they just made fun of me, this made my 18th birthday perhaps the worst day of my life and ironically the day i wished i was never born. I have never felt so lonely and got to a point where i started crying every time i looked at a card written by my dad or my sister (my dad wrote me a lovely message while my mum just signed it at the bottom). After this i was so depressed to the point people did start to notice but not do anything about it. In my opinion i felt that my condition didn't improve until around April the following year (7 months later) however i say improved this whole event still haunts my mind a bit and has definitely changed me for the worse as in this space of time i failed my driving test, and started losing confidence with myself in regards to talking to girls and general life to be honest. Things didn't get better, failed more exams became distant from some of my actual friends and events at school didn't help such as my own teacher telling me to go away from my own prom or another teacher telling me to go get arrested while on a school trip abroad. Anyway results day came and this decided my future. Again, as mentioned before, no matter how hard i worked, it didn't show even after hours of countless exam papers and multiple (expensive) tutors. I failed my A-Levels badly and yet no one seemed to care, people just said which uni's they were going to, UCAS told me to ring someone else and the uni i was hoping to get accepted to told me to go away as they didn't have time to check. Only one teacher of mine was supportive while others just ignored me. I chose to go through clearing after weighing up my options (I will never go back to my school nor will i ever associate myself with it unless mandatory) and after countless nights of crying and feeling like i let my parents down (my mum did call me a disgrace to the family a few years back which did not help matters) i had one last choice and decided to pursue an HND in computing in one of two uni's, Glamorgan in Wales or De Montford in Leicester, as sad as this may sound, one reason i did choose to go Glamorgan was due to it's distance from where i live, it felt to me like i was finally running away from everyone back home.
A few weeks in uni i felt OK, no depressive episodes then suddenly just before Christmas, i suffer a depressive episode. Episodes for me are random, it happens at least once a month and can range from lasting a few days (2 minimum) to a few weeks (longest was 2 weeks and a bit) i have noticed its getting worse now as it is affecting my social life and my social anxiety is becoming much worse now as i now talk to myself in full conversation mode more often, this is getting a bit worrying now and self harm isn't off the cards as i have now started cutting and burning myself every episode that occurs as well as strong suicidal thoughts. I also talk to myself saying that one day things will be OK just one day but i'm now losing hope (being saying this to myself ever since my 18th). I'm worried that i'm just going to give up and and go i, make myself believe that no one will miss me and have even had recurring dreams (or nightmares) involving depression where i dream i've been in a terrible accident and end up in hospital. I get put in a ward with others and i see a stream of people coming to visit them but no one for me, even the nurses forget about me. I notice on the machine i am hooked up to has an "end" button presumably this ends me and just as i reach out for it my dad comes in and holds my hand and i start to cry in the dream and then i wake up crying with tears in my eyes.
I have asked for help, my mum and my sister both dismissed it and though i was being "over dramatic" and that its all in m head. My friends either mocked me or didn't believe me with some stating i was an attention seeker. At uni i don't think any of my flatmates have noticed and they just think i'm quiet but i have told my closest friend very recently after she was feeling depressed one day and we sort have "bonded" over these moments and another friend who did actually listen and at one point managed to bring my own confidence up a bit. I've told my dad who is supportive and while at first he did say "lets see how it goes, if it gets worst tell me" i do rely on him now. I've attempted to see my GP however me being over 100 miles away from home means it's very difficult at the moment plus he's very busy and has a 3 week waiting list and this is how i've ended up here, I know most of this is just rambling on my life (believe i can go on and on) and i don't like/want to use the word "desperate" but this is how i'm feeling i need to talk to people who can understand me and help me have a brighter look on life.
