Author Topic: Jokes thread  (Read 10857 times)

smirfy21

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Re: films and music you feel like you can relate to
« Reply #30 on: September 02, 2011, 12:46:11 AM »
Sylvia played by Gwyneth Paltrow. Amazing film!!!

Pip

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Oops
« Reply #31 on: November 25, 2017, 10:07:41 PM »
A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away."

An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, "Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"

The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.  The quick-thinking minister's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #32 on: December 08, 2017, 12:31:19 AM »
Pardon me, lady," said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, "but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?"

"You certainly did!" said the woman in the aisle seat.

"Good, then I'm in the right row," the man said as he went back to his seat.

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #33 on: December 08, 2017, 12:32:27 AM »
My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew.  After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate a cell phone?"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #34 on: December 08, 2017, 12:33:22 AM »
"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."

"Good, what are we having for breakfast," said Dewey, the new husband.

"Toast and juice," Tracy replied.

Amanda_George

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #35 on: December 21, 2017, 04:40:05 PM »
What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire?
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Frostbite!
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #36 on: March 20, 2018, 05:30:45 PM »
HOW TO WRITE A TERM PAPER

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, printed out, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now, that way you can concentrate.

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9. Listen to one song from your favorite album and that's it, I really mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that...

10. Listen to the rest of the album.

11. Rearrange all of your books into alphabetical order.

12. Call your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.

13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.

15. Check the guide to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.

16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot, even if he wasn't watching.

18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

19. Look through your roommate's memory book from home. Ask who everyone is.

20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.

23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.

24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

26. Leap up and write the paper.

27. Type the paper on your laptop. Spell check.

28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid term paper.

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #37 on: March 31, 2018, 06:34:07 PM »
 Collectibles

Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles as well as pick up after their pets.  One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up and put them back on the shelf. The next week the same thing happened.  That afternoon my employer came into the parlor, her faithful canine behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase.  "Tippy," she asked the dog, "how do your bones keep getting up there?"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #38 on: March 31, 2018, 06:36:13 PM »
 A Texas millionaire

A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.  A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you."

"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine."

With that the physician left.  The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire.  "Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools, and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"