Sharing a BPD diagnosis

[Catbrian]

I've probably said before, having a new diagnosis of Agoraphobia and BPD has been a huge revelation.  I can see clearly, where it fits in with "MY issues”.  At first I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, I needed everyone to know that my strange preference to be alone was not some weird phase I was going through for the hell of it, and neither is its intention to disappoint or hurt anyone.  It is actually a product of an illness and has little to do with any individual.

Why do people with BPD have problems maintaining relationships?  What can I do about it?  Can it change? How can I make myself feel something that just isn't there?

It would be nice to WANT to spend time with other people again, especially my family, but the desire is not there.  Will it come back through time and with the “right therapy”?   At this stage, I highly doubt it.  Is my feelings towards family more about true experience from the past, or is it directly relating to BPD?

These are only some of the questions I have begun asking.  But, the most important of them all; the real reason for starting this post…. Is it right or wrong for me to share my diagnosis with my family?  I have to say my preference is to say nothing.  But, somehow, it seems so relevant to our on-going difficulties. Although, from their position. it may well add to their own difficulties.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) guidelines states the following,

The support from family and friends are of "critical importance" in the treatment of BPD, as many people will isolate themselves from these relationships in times of greatest need

People with BPD have difficulty controlling emotions and impulses and find it hard to keep relationships.  A rapid changing view of other people, forms a significant part of their difficulties

These are not exactly ideal traits for improving relations with close family.

[Buttercup]

I think the answer very much depends on how close you are to your family. If you're close to them, then sharing would be good idea as the support should be plentiful and aid recovery. If the relationship is strained or there is mental health stigma, then perhaps it is best to keep quiet, are negative comments or a general lack of support going to help or just fuel those underlying issues?

From what I know of your situation Cat, I would probably adopt my general approach. Not say a lot but maybe test the water & see what sort of response comes back before laying your cards on the table.

[Catbrian]

Thank you, BC

[captainkeefy]

Hard question to answer really. I personally would like to encourage you to open up to those closest to you about your diagnosis in the hope that they showed you more support. The problem is how people respond to you once you've told them.

I would get it out in the open myself but everyone's different.

[Catbrian]

My family would never show support.  It must sound terrible, but I wouldn't want support, cause it would probably mean having to be around them more often.  All I want is a little understanding and to be free from their expectations

Expectations - I've got "a thing" about people having expectations of me.  As soon as I feel the expectancy, I automatically pull in the opposite direction, often to my own detriment.  I am not sure if I can fit that trait somewhere within PD or if its root lies elsewhere

[captainkeefy]

That is your Borderline self pushing away. The fear of engulfment, I do this too. This is one of my self destructive things.

[Catbrian]

Pushing against expectation is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with, I've never been able to understand, let alone change it.

I've been a bit busy with other things this week and I've been letting the dust settle on the new PD diagnosis.  Overall, it has been a wonderful but exhausting experience.  I honestly don't know what I would have done without the opportunity to explore the disorder on the Forum and also have CaptK's knowledge and honesty, which are both informative and inspirational

[captainkeefy]

I hope this week has been productive for you. I've been doing a lot of reading on Borderline Personality disorder. The more I've read and the more I think about it, the more I move away from the idea of HPD and the more I'm thinking about BPD and Bipolar II. I wouldn't say I get mania as such but I do get times where my motivation goes right up, I'm very talkative, fidgety and other things and my view of my self is a lot more positive. Followed by the down, this is like depression but I think this is when I show traits of BPD such as trying to avoid abandonment (perceived) and I show self destructive behaviour.

I read an in depth explanation to the diagnostic criteria for BPD and I've got to admit I fit most of the criteria in detail and can give accounts of how it actually affects my behaviour, for example. Chronic feelings of emptiness. I think this is the most vague description on the list, for me this actually manifests physically in my abdomen, it feels like a hole between my stomach and my chest and is quite a strong sensation. It is like a mixture of anxiety and boredom and its when I feel lonely and I look impulsively to do things to remove the boredom. If I don't do this I end up with criteria nine paranoid ideation and disassiative behaviour, which is linked to criteria one frantic efforts to avoid imagined or real abandonment.

I'm with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm going to speak to her about these two things. Think she will be quite shocked tomorrow as I'm quite upbeat this week. As appossed to two weeks ago when I seen her. I've been doing quite a lot of positive thinking this week and I'm writing a kind of story in a journal exploring my personality modes living as a family and I'm finding this productive.

[Catbrian]

BPD and Bipolar II sounds right as I can identify with so much of your experiences/traits and this was my diagnosis.  I don't get OTT mania either.  I think they're called hypo-mania, or something.  My hyperactive modes are like being on amphetamine without the euphoria.  Sometimes the highs are more difficult than the lows because of the over active mind; jumping from one thing to another but finishing nothing, spending spree's that made little sense, talk talk talk and more talking or writing.  Before I started the medication I am on now, these highs were more common and the insomnia could be problematic. It has taken a long time for the drugs to settle, but I am sure they contribute to my current well-being, as I haven’t been this good in years

"Chronic Emptiness" as part of PD is the vaguest description.  But, if you suffer from it, that trait is one of the most powerful of them all.  It can also be one of the most destructive because anything - alcohol, drugs, sex, relationships, money, happiness, contentment..... - is never enough

 It took me a few months to read the BPD info, but I haven't even made a start on the Bipolar.

[Wallow]

I havent been on here for ages. After xmas i was given the bpd diagnosis. Since then i've been raccing around trying to keep busy. I think this is my way of aling with the emptiness & avoiding having to think about things. I was supposed to be seeing the psychiatrist at the end of feb but still havent booked an appoitment. I feel pissed off with her & i dont know why. I had to pretty much force the diagnosis out of her & she said i would be discrimnated against because of it. I think this was her way of warning me not to tell people - i already feel pretty ashamed of who i am so this has not been great. She seems to talk in riddles most of the time - i wish she would just be clear & straight forward. Do you know if there are any implications from avo iding the psychiatrist? I wthi

[captainkeefy]

Hi Wallow,

I know a lot of Pyschiatrists do not like diagnosing Borderline Personality Disorder as the sufferers can be discriminated against. In America they won't diagnose because the insurance companies will look for excuses to cancell health insurance.

I would advise that you go back to your Psychiatrist, if not could you ask for another? I know with BPD you have to feel very comfortable with health care professions. I would hate to think you where suffering with your illness with no help

[Catbrian]

Hi Wallow

Yes, I remember you from when you were on before.  It doesn’t seem right to say welcome back, but you know what I mean.

I am also delaying seeing my Psychiatrist.  It might be an idea to ask the Psychiatrist if you could have a Support Worker, usually a CPN (Community Mental Health Nurse) from the Community Mental Health Team, who you could see weekly or fortnightly.  I have a good CPN who is my “Care Coordinator”, she is also a CBT Therapist.  Other than discussing my recent BPD and Bipolar diagnosis, I have no reason to see the Psychiatrist any more. 

If you are diagnosed BPD, then there will be specialist services for people with PD in your area.  The NHS considers it a serious and complex condition and the general opinion is that people with PD need specialist services.  Find out where your local service is.  Try Google it

It’s quite common to feel P’d off with your “Therapist”.  They are often the catalyst to our facing some very painful issues.  The anger could well be displaced anger.  It might also be because you are largely feeling dissatisfied.  A significant symptom of BPD is a general mistrust and suspicion towards the services that are there to help us.  I go along with my CPN because I have too.  They in turn have made a referral to a local specialist PD service and maybe in the future, I will have no need for the CPN either.

We regularly hear unfortunate stories of people’s experience of the NHS Mental health services.  In my experience, often you need to push hard before you get anywhere.  If I can offer any advice, it would be to go see the Psychiatrist with a list of requests, ie, the Support worker and BPD services.  I am sure she will be happy to get you the support you need.  It's certainly worth a try, eh?

[Wallow]

Thanks for your advice, i guess it's just nice to know there are people out there in a similar situation. I am reading a book called "the buddha & the borderline" and its good. It's a memoir of someones recovery from bpd.

[Catbrian]

That sounds good, Wallow.  Who is the author?

[Wallow]

Kiera Van Gelder. She's American so it's a bit harder to relate to, but it's good to read about someone else's experience of discovering they have the disorder. I just don't understand how I have had this thing my whole life and yet I only saw a psychiatrist for the first time in the summer. Sometimes I wish I had stayed ignorant (was going to say, blissfully ignorant but realised there was nothing blissful about my ignorance!) so that I wouldn't have to face up to all this &$%+ about how completely and utterly broken I am. There is still a part of me that doesn't believe in "mental illness" as a concept. I just can't get my head around the fact that someone's perspective on life could be termed an illness. I understand that some of my beliefs about people and the world may not be that helpful to me living a fulfilled life but I just can't see where doctors and medicine comes in to it. And who is to question these beliefs anyway? Beliefs are so culturally and religiously biased anyway so who is to say that the way I see life is not the right way? I just don't get any of it. It's the same with self harm. If it makes me feel better to cut myself, what has it got to do with anyone else? Culturally it is such a taboo subject in this country and yet in certain Hindu denominations in India, people harm themselves to show their devotion to god and that's ok. Infact Christian Monks used to do it too. I guess I'm just feeling confused and overwhelmed by the whole thing and I just don't know who to trust.