Author Topic: Jokes thread  (Read 107025 times)

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #735 on: November 16, 2021, 05:16:41 PM »
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.  Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.  Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.  So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #736 on: November 16, 2021, 05:21:25 PM »
A man suffered a heart attack while shopping in a store. The store manager called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.  The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital, where he had emergency open-heart bypass surgery.  He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital . A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard, a pen, and a collection of forms. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.  She asked, "Do you have health insurance?" 

He replied in a weak raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The irritated nun continued, “Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" 

He replied, "I have only a spinster sister and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!"

The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #737 on: November 20, 2021, 04:31:47 PM »
Grandpa wonders how much 6-year-old Tommy knows about money. Just for fun, he pulls two bills from his wallet a ten and a twenty and asks Tommy which one he'd rather have. Tommy grins and takes the ten dollar bill.  "Thanks, Grandpa!"
 
Grandpa thinks it's kinda funny, so he does it again. Again Tommy chooses the ten-dollar bill.  Grandpa calls over Uncle Joe and says, "Watch this."

He again offers Tommy a ten and a twenty, and again Tommy chooses the ten.  Both men chuckle, and then call over Tommy's dad. Grandpa again offers a ten and a twenty, and Tommy gleefully takes the ten.  Dad takes Tommy aside. "Son, don't you know twenty is more than ten?"

"Sure," says Tommy. "But if I took the twenty, Grandpa wouldn't keep playing the game. Now I have forty dollars."

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #738 on: November 20, 2021, 04:34:39 PM »
Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears.  "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.  "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.  Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.  "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.  The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.  "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #739 on: December 11, 2021, 12:45:05 PM »
When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear my mother's wedding dress.  The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.  "You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."

"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #740 on: December 11, 2021, 12:46:55 PM »
Arnold had just received his new driver's license. The family heads out to the driveway, and climbs in the car.  Arnold is going to take them for a ride for the first time.  Dad immediately heads for the back seat and sits directly behind the newly-minted driver.

"Hey Dad, I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all the months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.  Dad replies, "Nope, just start driving.  I'm gonna do like you've been doing to me all these years.  I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat."

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #741 on: December 16, 2021, 07:29:22 PM »
Mother decided that 7-year-old Kathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.  "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested.

Kathy was delighted.  "It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Kathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #742 on: December 16, 2021, 07:30:15 PM »
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand-new business much like his own opened up next door to his left and erected a huge sign which read ... BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ... LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read ... MAIN ENTRANCE.

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #743 on: December 16, 2021, 07:31:30 PM »
I was teaching pre-school, and we were discussing family during carpet time, and a 4-yr-old boy asked me, "Miss Laura, do you have a Grandpa?"

I replied, "I used to have 2 Grandpas, but they went to Heaven to be with Jesus."

He thought, shook his head sadly, and said, "My Grandpa didn't go to Heaven."

(Long pause while I tried to figure out how to proceed.)

"He went to Iowa!"

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #744 on: December 21, 2021, 07:15:59 PM »
A preacher was riding his bicycle down the street when he noticed a little boy standing in a yard next to the curb with a lawn mower. He asked the little fellow what he was doing, to which the little fellow replied, "I want to sell this mower so I can buy a bicycle."

The preacher said, "Well son I need a lawn mower and I have this bicycle. Maybe we can work out a trade. Why don't you ride my bicycle around the block and see what you think about it?"

The little boy went around the block and when he returned the preacher was sitting on the curb red faced and out of breath. The preacher said, "I have pulled on this rope since you left and I can't get this thing to start."

The little boy softly said, "You have to cuss."

The preacher replied, "I haven't cussed in so long I have forgotten how."

The little boy replied, "if you pull on that rope long enough you will remember."