Author Topic: Jokes thread  (Read 107024 times)

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #720 on: June 24, 2021, 03:30:58 PM »
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics. "How much do you weigh?" she asked.

"135," I said.

The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.  The nurse asked, "Your height?"

"5 foot 4," I said.

The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 foot 2 inches. She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.  "Of course it's high!" I screamed. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #721 on: August 18, 2021, 09:07:43 PM »
One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it.  The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. "How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?"

Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake, but not two in a row!"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #722 on: August 18, 2021, 09:08:42 PM »
After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone."

"What makes you think its mine?" the ref asked.

"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls!"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #723 on: September 03, 2021, 03:50:51 PM »
A bunch of men were sitting around the playing poker.  "I win!" said Harry.

Joe threw down his cards, "That's it! I've had it! Harry is cheating!!!"

"How can you tell?" Phillip asked.

"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #724 on: September 03, 2021, 03:52:11 PM »
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"
   
The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #725 on: September 21, 2021, 05:26:40 PM »
Years ago, when those digital signature/PIN pad gizmos were relatively new, I was in a checkout line at Walmart in Decatur, Texas. There was a sweet old lady in front of me, following the instructions the cashier patiently gave. With a bit of assistance, she'd managed to swipe her card and scrawl a signature with that awkward plastic pen.

Now the machine awaited confirmation, the typical "OK" and "Cancel" buttons displaying on its monochrome screen. "You have to tell it 'OK'," the cashier said.

The lady looked dubiously at the cashier, then at the newfangled gizmo. She gently cupped it with her hands, leaned forward, and said, "Ohhhh kaaayyyyy."

Incredibly, the cashier kept a straight face as she tapped the 'OK' button for her client and wished her a great day. The cashier and I didn't laugh until we had watched her shuffle away and I said, "I think that just changed my life."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #726 on: September 21, 2021, 05:29:32 PM »
Terry slammed his cards on the table and left the game in a huff.  "Boy," said another player disgustingly, "I really hate playing cards with a bad loser."

"He isn't very pleasant," another player said, raking in the chips, "but it's better than playing with a good winner."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #727 on: October 14, 2021, 07:48:12 PM »
Little Dewey went fishing with his dad, who had his fishing license on the back of his hat.  After a while they had caught no fish when Little Dewey offered the following suggestion: "Dad, turn your hat around so the fish can see your license."

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #728 on: October 14, 2021, 07:49:40 PM »
I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver's license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me.  I replied, "I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?"

She said, "Why didn't you get a haircut before you came here?"

I replied, "I didn't need one before I got here!"

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #729 on: October 26, 2021, 07:43:09 PM »
A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.  "Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Buffy.

So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.  "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"

"Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #730 on: October 26, 2021, 07:44:37 PM »
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.  "That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"

"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #731 on: November 04, 2021, 08:58:02 PM »
If biblical events were being covered by today's media...

On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE: Enforcement Officials Killed While Pursuing Unruly Mob

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION OF RELIEF TROOPS: Psychologist Questions Significance of Rock Used as Weapon

On the prophet Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS ACTIVIST INTO FRENZY: 400 Killed In Unprovoked Attack

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS EJECTED FROM SHELTER: Animal Rights Advocates Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:
LAY PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH: Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:
QUACK PREYS ON TERMINALLY ILL: Authorities Investigating Use of Non-traditional Medical Procedure 

On healing of the two demon-possessed men in Gadarenes:
MADMAN CAUSES STAMPEDE: Local Farmer Faces Bankruptcy After Loss of Hogs

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
ITINERANT PREACHER RAISES STINK: Will Now Being Contested by Lawyers of Heirs

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #732 on: November 12, 2021, 08:06:48 PM »
Lunching with a friend in a fast-food restaurant, I was telling her about a teenager who had rear-ended my car. The teen blamed me for the accident.  "She even called me every dirty name in the book!" I said.

Just then I looked over to the next table where two nine-year-old boys had apparently been paying close attention to my story.  One said to the other, "There's a book?"

 

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #733 on: November 12, 2021, 08:09:23 PM »
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"   

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #734 on: November 12, 2021, 08:13:41 PM »
LORD, PROP US UP

Every time I am asked to pray, I think of the old deacon who always prayed, "Lord, prop us up on our leanin' side."

After hearing him pray that prayer many times, someone asked him why he prayed that prayer so fervently.   He answered, "Well sir, you see, it's like this I got an old barn out back. It's been there a long time. It's withstood a lot of weather. It's gone through a lot of storms, and it's stood for many years. It's still standing, but one day I noticed it was leaning to one side a bit. So I went and got some pine poles and propped it up on its leaning side so it wouldn't fall.  Then I got to thinking 'bout that and how much I was like that old barn. I been around a long time, I've withstood a lot of life's storms, I've withstood a lot of bad weather in life, I've withstood a lot of hard times, and I'm still standing, too. But I find myself leaning to one side from time to time, so I like to ask the Lord to prop us up on our leanin' side, 'cause I figure a lot of us get to leaning, at times."