Jokes thread

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A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dressed up, set the lights, and put the cat put out.  Their Uber arrives, and as the couple opened the front door, the cat zips back in between their legs and disappears up the stairs.  They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the car while the husband goes upstairs to find the cat and put it out.  The wife, worried abut some recent break-ins in their neighborhood and not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the Uber driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab apologetically, "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger and grab her by the scruff of the neck to get her to come out! Then she slipped away and ran into the closet, but I quickly trapped her in the corner and got a good hold on her."

[Pip]

THINGS WE WOULDN'T KNOW WITHOUT SUNDAY SCHOOL

~ With your eyes closed for prayer, anything can happen in a room full of preschoolers.

~ Prayer requests reveal a lot about parents.

~ A fire extinguisher is a handy device.

~ Helium tanks should be chained down tightly.

~ Cheap glue adheres to skin.

~ Kool Aid and song motions do not mix.

~ Grand pianos are not as durable as you might think.

~ Church maintenance people do not have a sense of humor.

~ Offering money always rolls to the other side of the room when dropped.

~ Hand-me-down sound systems can get loud when the adult service is taking communion.

~ Ushers do not have a sense of humor.

~ Parachute games should not be used in a room with a chandelier.

~ Animal crackers can be sneezed out the nose.

~ There are good reasons why pastor's kids have a bad reputation.

~ Helium intoxication does not render respect in a staff meeting.

[Pip]

Blanche: Herb, if you don't stop snoring, I'm going to toss you out on your ear!

Herb: Does it upset you that much?

Blanche: Not just me, the entire congregation.

[Pip]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts."One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.  Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

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During his wedding rehearsal, the groom approached his pastor with an unusual offer. "I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows, and leave out the 'love, honor, obey, and forsake all others' part."

He pressed a $100 bill in the pastor's hand and walked away with a satisfied smile.  On the day of the wedding, the groom was feeling pretty pleased when the pastor got to the part where the vows are exchanged.  The pastor looked him in the eye and asked, "Will you promise to bow before her, obey whatever command she gives, fulfill her every wish, serve her breakfast each morning, and swear before God that you'll not look at another woman as long as you both shall life?"

The groom gulped and looked astonished, but he finally said "Yes" in a tiny voice. He then leaned in toward the pastor and whispered, "I thought we had a deal!"

The pastor pressed the $100 bill back into his hand and whispered in return, "She made me a much better offer."

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A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.  The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.  Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!"

[Pip]

Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them.  One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get me up in one of those things."

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After leaving the racetrack, Joe bumped into his old friend Jon on the bus.  "Say," Jon said, "How's it going?"

"Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me, what's today's date?"

"July seventh."

"Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue."

"Let me guess," Jon interrupted. "You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race."

"Right."

"And he won!" Jon sighed.

"No. He came in seventh."

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While walking down the street one day, a Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.  "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.  In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.  Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.  They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.  "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.  Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.  "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.  Today, you voted.”

[Pip]

Alan asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Steve. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"

Steve says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, 'Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember I don't mind going back to prison.'"

[Pip]

My mother is a cleaning fanatic.  One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up.  We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess.  As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it.  Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, "Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?"

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The teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots. He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.  He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

And once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.  No sooner than they got the boots off he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.  Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

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A man was returning from a pilgrimage to France. As he was in line at the customs gate, an agent suspiciously eyed a bottle hidden in the man's luggage.  "And what's this, sir?" he asked.

"Oh, it's a bottle of holy water from Lourdes," said the man.

The agent uncorked the bottle, took one whiff and said, "This is wine!"

"Wine?!" cried the man. "Praise the Lord, another miracle!!!"

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The man's wife had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet he stayed by her bedside every single day.  One day, when she came to, she motioned him to come closer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. After my car accident, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" he asked gently smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

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Thanksgiving Day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church.  Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."

"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "So why is their dad carrying that rifle?"