Author Topic: Jokes thread  (Read 81294 times)

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #660 on: October 15, 2019, 07:50:39 PM »
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper:

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...    
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...    
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...    
An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...    
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...    
This is the prettiest graph.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...    
Once

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...    
Twice

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...    
Thrice

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...    
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...    
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"...    
Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...    
Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...    
A wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...    
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of soda.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...    
I don't understand it.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...    
They don't understand it either.

"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"...    
Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...    
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...    
I quit.

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #661 on: October 24, 2019, 07:38:28 PM »
A middle-aged man dies, and soon finds himself with both St. Peter and the devil. St. Peter asks his name. And he says, "Bower, Johnny Bower."

And St. Peter says, "Johnny Bower? Oh, I’m so sorry, you’re not supposed to die for another 5 years. We'll have to send you back down."

Mr. Bower is overjoyed, but he notices the two doors leading to Heaven and Hell, and hears what sounds like a party behind the door to Hell. He asks if he can go over and just look around. The devil says, "Of course, but just for a few minutes."

So he goes over and finds an incredible party going on, with wonderful food and drinks, and everyone obviously having a great time. He says to himself, "If this is Hell, I want to be part of it!"

So when he gets back to earth, he sins his brains out for the next 5 years, doing every immoral thing imaginable to be sure he winds up in Hell. And sure enough, 5 years to the day later, he’s facing the devil again in front of the door to Hell. As the door opens, he hears no music, and there is no food or a party. There are just these flames leaping out from the door. In disbelief, he asks, "Where’s the party? Where are all the people having fun?"

The devil grins and says, "Oh, you fell for that? Well, 5 years ago you were a prospect. Now you’re a customer."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #662 on: October 26, 2019, 06:57:57 PM »
Before they slid into a booth, one guy brushed crumbs off the seat and the other took a napkin and swiped at a spill on the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.  "No thanks," said the first guy. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

"I'll have black coffee too," said the second. "And please make sure the cup is clean."

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen.  Two minutes later, she was back. "Two cups of black coffee," she announced.

"Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #663 on: October 28, 2019, 07:36:55 PM »
A man was driving down the highway late one night when his minivan broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamborghini Countach pulls up.  "Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the minivan driver.
 
"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countach replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."
 
They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Ferrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev its engine to get the Countach to race. The Countach revs its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.  The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countach were driving down the road doing about 120 with a minivan honking its horn and flashing its lights trying to pass them!"

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #664 on: November 08, 2019, 06:37:46 PM »
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requests shelter there.  Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.  After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.  The first one says, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turned to the other Brother and says  "then you must be...?"

"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #665 on: November 08, 2019, 06:41:28 PM »
My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." 

He then taped it to his office door.  Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #666 on: November 13, 2019, 05:57:02 PM »
A lawyer phoned the governor's mansion shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the governor it's an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer.

After some cajoling, the governor's assistant agreed to wake him up.  "So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place," begged the attorney.

"Well, it's okay with me if it's okay with the funeral home."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #667 on: November 13, 2019, 05:58:12 PM »
One Sunday a minister preached about shepherds.  He explained that sheep need lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job is to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals, and keep them from wandering off.  He said that the people of the church were God's sheep.  Then he asked, "If you are the sheep, who is the shepherd?"  (He was pretty obviously indicating himself.)

After a few seconds, a young boy piped up: "Jesus! Jesus is the shepherd."

The minister, caught by surprise, asked, "Well, then, who am I?"

The boy frowned thoughtfully.  "I guess you must be a sheep dog."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #668 on: November 16, 2019, 03:57:19 PM »
Cop: You know how fast you were going?

Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.

Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.

Guy: Yea, that's how far behind I am.

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #669 on: November 21, 2019, 06:48:22 PM »
About a week ago, I saw an Internet column about eliminating paperwork clutter.  Great!  So I printed out the instructions and put them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk.  Now I can't find them.

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #670 on: November 24, 2019, 05:09:26 PM »
I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.  Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.  Sure enough, after only a short time of searching, he found a gas cap. He carefully wiped it off and slipped it into place with a satisfying click.  "Great," he told his wife as he climbed back into the car, "I may have lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits and it's even a better cap than the one I had it locks..."

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #671 on: December 21, 2019, 03:35:09 PM »
Q: What is a Snowman's favorite aunt?
A: Aunt Arctica 

Q: Who was the meanest Reindeer?
A: RUDEolf 

Q: What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A: A Holly Davison 

Q: What is Papa Smurf's favorite phrase at Christmastime?
A:  I'll be blue just thinking of you.

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #672 on: December 21, 2019, 03:41:52 PM »
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
For Moms
 
Twas the night before Christmas
When all thru the abode
Only one creature was stirring
And she was cleaning the commode.

The children were finally sleeping
All snug in their beds,
While visions of Nintendo and Barbie
flipped through their heads.

The dad was snoring in front of the TV
with a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter Which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"

With toilet bowl brush
Still clutched in her hand
She descended the stairs and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
"Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."

"Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."

"A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."

The mother's twin,
Same hair, same eyes,
Same double chin.
"She'll cook, she'll dust," she'll mop every mess.
You'll relax, take it easy,
Watch The Young & the Restless."

"Fantastic!" the mom cheered.
"My dream come true! "
I'll shop. I'll read.
I'll sleep a whole night through!"

From the room above the youngest began to fret.
"Mommy?! I scared... and I wet."
The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part."

The clone changed the small one and hummed a tune As she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
"You're the best mommy ever. I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too."

The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal."
That's my child's love she's trying to steal."
Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear.
Only one loving mother is needed here."

The mom kissed her child and tucked her into bed.
"Thank you, Santa," for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget it won't be very long when they'll be too old for my cradle-song."

The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone,
"It works every time."
With the clone by his side, Santa said, "Goodnight Merry Christmas, dear Mom. You'll be just fine!"

Amanda_George

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #673 on: January 11, 2020, 07:58:37 PM »
"Old MacDonald had a terrible Scrabble hand ... E-I-E-I-O."
Money talks, chocolate sings!  :-D

May your life be as pleasant as you are.

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #674 on: January 12, 2020, 05:01:19 PM »
:rofl: